Is this all my fault?

No. This is not your fault. We promise. It’s not because you are a bad parent. It’s not because you fed her too much sugar, or let her stay up to eat with her father. It is not because you don’t have firm limits in your home or you’re not taking enough deep breaths or you’re not doing self care (although, we know you’re probably not). It’s not because you haven’t prayed hard enough for things to be easier for your child. 

It’s not because you sometimes fight with your partner or you don’t have a partner or you have multiple partners or you have a same sex partner or there’s “no mother/father in the picture” or you’re not his “real” parent.

It’s not because you sometimes lose it and yell at him. Or at anyone.

It’s not that you know too much about children or don’t know enough about children or your older kid had a lot of plastic toys and the chemicals seeped into your pregnant belly, along with that glass of wine you had at your sister’s wedding. It’s not whatever else your mother/in-laws/mosque friend/book club/the lady in the grocery store line hit you with in the middle of that epic meltdown.

It’s not because you work outside the home or in the home or you gave up work to stay home or “you know this is because you’re working nights, right?”

Not right. None of it is right. All over the world, hundreds of thousands of families – millions of families – are doing all of those things, screwing up and eating gluten under truly not-perfect conditions and still not having meltdowns on the bus.

This Is Not. Your. Fault. Blame is the game of people who need to believe that good things and privilege happen to them because of the good things they do. And that therefore, there’s nothing they can do to help your child. Blame believes that if we were just “good” parents, short-order cook parents, devout, positive, gentle parents who also set firm limits and breathed mindfully, who spent any extra cash on private services or had a better “system” at home, if we just tried harder, it would all be okay.

It is not all okay. Your child is miserable. We know. It’s exhausting and heart-breaking and relentless. And also: it is still not your fault. 

This can be hard to accept. Because if it’s our fault, at least that means there is SOMETHING we could be doing differently, something that would make it all easier for them. Honestly, that quick fix is a myth. We’re sorry. 

This doesn’t mean it can’t get better, and it doesn’t mean there’s nothing you can do. But first, for you to have the energy and capacity to be the fierce warrior your child needs (because trust us, this is super hard on them most of all), you need ALL your capacity. You can’t be wasting time and brain space blaming yourself. So try to stop, okay?

Also, you can’t do this alone. You need a team. Friends, family who get it. Other parents who have been there, people who have realistic, informed advice and ideas, and a safe, non-judgmental community where you can let it all hang out.

Welcome to The Huddle, for Families. We are here to help. Come on in.

* Everything on this list is something someone suggested to us at some point. Sigh.

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