“My child doesn’t listen.”

It’s finally bedtime, thank goodness. You tell your daughter three times to go get ready. This routine happens EVERY DAY. She's standing right there. She clearly could hear you. And yet... it doesn’ t happen.

You're exhausted. You desperately need her in bed so you can have five minutes to yourself. It feels like she's ignoring you, like she doesn't respect you, like she is being defiant when you need her to please, for the love of everything, just go brush her teeth.

Why won’t she just LISTEN?!

“My child doesn’t listen” is one of the most common concerns that bring parents to The Huddle for Families. Sometimes they mean their child truly doesn’t seem to be able to listen or hear. Most of the time, what they mean is “she doesn’t do what I say.” *

As with everything, when kids seem to be ignoring us, it's usually because something is getting in their way. Super frustrating, yes. But our job is to figure out what, so we can address the real problem, help her do the thing, and finally get to bed. 

One thing to remember: Power struggles never help. Sometimes, when our kids aren’t doing the thing, our reflex is to turn up the volume. We use firmer voices, add consequences, make threats. Trust me: I have been there. But us getting less regulated rarely helps.

If something is getting in her way, whether it’s processing, anxiety, distraction, or depletion, adding pressure doesn’t remove the obstacle. It just adds another one. Instead of coming over the top, step sideways. Assume something is hard. Your job is to figure out what’s jamming the gears so she can actually move.

I realize the advice below requires MORE energy from you, and if we are talking about bedtime, it’s more energy when you yourself are depleted. Knowing that energy is better spent on strategies than on power struggles doesn't magically refill your tank. You do not need to do ALL of this. And you won’t have to do it forever. Choose 1-2 things and experiment for a week.

Scroll down to what sounds familiar (see the "You might notice" notes).

What might really be happening

Her brain hasn’t switched tracks yet.

You might notice:

• The hardest part is getting her to stop what she was doing before the new directions. 

• Any transition is hard, even to something she loves. 

• She says, “You didn’t tell me” or “I didn’t hear you”

• She seems to “come to” a few seconds after you speak.

Some kids’ brains struggle with shifting their attention or focus. You’re asking her to brush her teeth, but her whole brain is still in Lego world, so she genuinely doesn’t register what you’ve said. Or she registers it, but then it disappears because her focus on what she’s doing is so strong. Or she only registers it once your voice hits a certain volume or pitch.

What to try:

• Make sure she’s with you before giving the directions. Put yourself in front of her (no yelling directions from the kitchen), make sure the game is paused or her hands are not still building Lego. You don’t need to force eye contact if that’s uncomfortable for her, but make sure you have her attention.

• Ask her to confirm the directions, by repeating what you’ve said or looking at you or tapping on a visual cue.

• Give the transition some time. Start with a 2 minute warning. When it’s time to transition, give her a little more time to make the switch.

• Give her a nonverbal reminder. Use music or a visual timer to signal it’s time to transition (remember the clean up song from preschool?).

• More ideas: Why are transitions so hard?

There’s a communication break down.

You might notice:

• She seems to listen but never gets started.

• She says, “What?” even though she clearly heard you.

• Multi-step directions fall apart after she does the first step.

• She goes upstairs, you hear nothing, you come up ten minutes later and she's standing in the bathroom holding her toothbrush but not sure what to do next 

Your child’s brain has to figure out what each word you say means, what they mean together in that context, and then figure out what she’s supposed to do or say. Sometimes there’s a breakdown in the process. 

Maybe she genuinely didn’t hear you clearly (a hearing check is always a good idea if you haven’t done one). Some kids genuinely struggle to orient to a voice calling their name. Maybe “get ready” isn’t specific enough for her to translate into separate steps. Or there are too many steps to process, so she just does the first one and hopes for the best.

Maybe she’s still processing what you’ve said. By the time she’s worked through it, you’re understandably frustrated and repeat the directions, or rephrase them. Now she has more information to process.

There are a lot of things that can make processing language hard enough that it looks like a child isn't listening: exhaustion, stress, ADHD, autism, auditory processing differences. But these kids usually are listening. They're just working much harder than it looks to figure out what you said and what they're supposed to do about it.

What to try:

• Time. Most kids could do with more time to process our questions or directions. Give the direction, then wait. Count to ten sloooowly in your head. Then, if you feel you need to repeat, say the exact same words. Don’t stack more language on top of what she’s already processing.

• Use fewer words and give one specific direction at a time. “Pajamas on” not “Okay, it’s bedtime, so go get yourself ready – don’t forget to bring up your water bottle – and I’ll be there in ten.”

• Give her other ways to access the information. Visual routines are great for this. Hang the “bedtime list” with pictures on her wall and point to the steps as you say each one. 

• Read more: Understanding Communication

The thing really is too hard.

You might notice:

• She does parts of the task, but gets stuck on (or protests about) the same step every time. 

• She follows directions just fine in other contexts.

• She falls apart, gets frustrated, or says, “I need help!”

• She goes to do the thing, and you find her ten minutes later putting hair clips on the dog

Maybe her body genuinely can't do this on its own right now, even if that seems impossible given that she's done it a hundred times. Her fingers don’t work well enough to get the toothpaste on the brush. 

Or maybe her brain simply cannot, or cannot right now when she’s exhausted or depleted from doing things the whole day. School was really hard, and she has zero capacity left for multi-step directions. Maybe the planning involved is too complicated; she knows she has to tidy the toys, but the path to get from this mess to tidy is impossible to imagine (we’ve all been there). 

Maybe it’s the focus that’s hard: She has the skills, but the world is full of distractions (the dog is RIGHT THERE!). Her executive function can’t stick with the less fascinating goal of getting ready for bed. 

What to try:

• Lower the bar. Make the task easier. Give her one direction at a time. Be flexible about what’s essential for her to do (or to do independently) and what can be shelved for now

• Start the task. Hand her the pajamas, put the toothpaste on for her.

• Step in right before she usually gets stuck, to get her over the hump, or finish tasks she usually can’t finish.

• Help it stay in her head. Make up a chant with the sequence of tasks or things she needs to remember, and put the fun part last (“Toothbrush, pajamas, story! Toothbrush, pajamas, story!”). 

• Read more: Lower the bar.

Her anxiety is louder than the directions.

You might notice:

• Clinginess, tears, sudden desire to tell you you’re the best mom in the world

• She’s fine when doing the things sometimes, but falls apart when she has to do them in certain contexts or at bedtime

• She becomes a master procrastinator or distractor: you give the directions, she starts negotiating, and somehow it’s you putting hairclips on dog to get her to go to bed

• She yells or screams (signs of fight mode)

When we get anxious or overwhelmed, our thinking brains go offline. If she’s fighting, escaping, or simply not doing the thing, it’s worth pondering if something has her stressed out.

Maybe it’s something specific to the task: she’s anxious about going upstairs alone or the sound of the bath. Or maybe she’s as stressed as you are about the fight that always happens around pajamas.

Maybe it's what comes after that has her worried: being left alone in her room, nightmares, the loss of control during sleep. Her nervous system is responding to that future threat right now, ramping her up and flooding her with "do something!" signals. Delaying bedtime might feel like self-protection.

What to try:

• Help her system settle. Her nervous system is loud right now, and it needs something to bring it down before she can do much of anything. Go with her if you can. You don't have to do everything for her; just be there. Stand in the bathroom while she brushes her teeth. Your presence might be the thing that makes it possible, and you won't have to do this forever. If you can't be there (other kids!), find her a substitute: a lovey, a flashlight, an audiobook, a favorite song. Anything to help anxiety loosen its grip a bit.

• Find out what specifically is worrying her, if you can. Is it being alone upstairs? A noise? What happens after you leave? Ask her about it at a calm moment. Not in the middle of the struggle, not right before bed. "I've noticed bedtime feels hard lately. Is something bugging you about it?" Sometimes kids know exactly what's worrying them and just need an opening. Sometimes the fear is something you can address: a nightlight, a check-in promise ("I'll come back in five minutes"), leaving the door open. You can't fix the worry, but sometimes you can remove the specific obstacle it's latched onto.

• Read more: Understanding Anxiety.

Her nervous system perceives directions as threats.

You might notice:

• It seems like ANY directions or demands immediately escalate into power struggles.

• The resistance feels disproportionate to the request. Even simple asks trigger huge reactions.

• You ask her to do something that has to happen EVERY day, and it’s still a battle.

• She does the same task fine when she chooses to do it.

Some kids (especially autistic kids, but others too) have nervous systems that interpret demands as threats, even reasonable demands that they WANT to comply with. It’s not conscious or defiant. Their fight-or-flight response misfires, so you say, “please,” and her system floods with “DANGER, RESIST.” The more you push, even gently, the more her system locks up.

The really unfair part for everyone: the standard toolkit (clear expectations, consistent consequences, reward charts, a firm voice) tends to pour gasoline on this particular fire. The more "correct" you are, the harder she resists. Which is maddening, and also leaves parents convinced they’ve broken something, or are broken themselves.

What to try:

• Step out of the power struggle. You might be able to overpower her – carry her upstairs, threaten something big enough that she complies. But that won’t calm her nervous system. It teaches it "escalate faster next time." The road to authority isn't overpowering. It's reducing what her system has to fight against, so you get her where she needs to be.

• Reduce demands as much as you can. This doesn’t mean letting your child run the house. It means deciding in advance what is essential and what you can let go. Do this BEFORE the power struggle: you are not “giving in;” you are proactively lowering the demands her system has to deal with.

• Give her control where you can. "What should we do first?" Offer choices instead of directions if possible. “I see it’s pretty cold. I’m bringing gloves. Do you want some?”

• Make it a “we.” Race her upstairs, do your teeth alongside hers, use "we" and "let's" constantly. The demand fades when you're doing it together.

• Narrate instead of direct. "I'm heading upstairs" instead of "go upstairs." Or just start doing it with her ("I'm putting my toothpaste on, I'll do yours too") without making it a request at all.

Remember

This isn't about making her listen. It's about figuring out what's making it hard. When you shift from "she won't" to "she can't (yet)," your very valid frustration has somewhere useful to go: toward the problem, instead of at each other.

Still not sure what’s getting in the way?

Let’s talk about it one-on-one. It’s free, confidential, and online.

Find another article.

*If your child genuinely doesn't seem to register your voice at all (i.e., it’s not a following-directions issue, more like you don't seem to exist), that's a different puzzle that I’ll explore separately soon (or, let’s talk one-on-one).

How to “be strong”

An ad on my block says "Be strong." I have no idea what it’s for, but I don’t know anyone stronger than parents of struggling kids, who never have time for the gym, and who are strong ALL THE TIME, in big and small ways, and some ways that never get counted.

Yes, strength is the fierce mama advocate, marching 20 feet ahead of your children into schools and systems, fighting for what they need. Sometimes it's that while also balancing your words and mood to navigate a room primed to label you "hysterical" or "angry" or "that mom" in ways it wouldn't a parent who looked or sounded different.

But sometimes strength means stepping back: sitting on your hands, biting your tongue, itching to jump in, but trusting your child to make his way independently through a less than ideal situation, or to self-advocate for what he needs. He has to learn to manage his own dragons, and clearing the path or slaying them for him is like telling him: I don’t believe you can do this on your own.

Someone once pointed out I only did the normal restrictions DURING pregnancy, not for TWO FULL YEARS BEFOREHAND, like they did, which is why their kids were, "not learning disabled or whatever." And oh holy hell, it takes SO MUCH STRENGTH sometimes not to punch someone or say "Are your kids self-righteous bozos, too? Because my kids might have 'whatever,' but they are KIND and they value diversity.”

Sometimes strength means staying firm in your values, your understanding of your kid, your trust they are trying as hard as they can, even when the world shouts otherwise. Strength means sticking to what you know is best even when progress takes A LONG TIME, even if maybe it looks like nothing is happening.

You are strong when you hold limits even though you know it will result in a tantrum and you already have a migraine and yeah, EVERYONE wishes the kids could watch one more episode, because that's sit down and scroll time. But you are heeding the plan and the wishes of future you, so you get off the sofa to play Pokémon and sit and be present while they beat you again, because you will never understand the rules. And that is strength.

It is strength to ask for help when you need it. To have enough faith in yourself as a parent that you don't have to do everything yourself. It's strength to trust that some things can be imperfect, because grandpa is going to play Pokémon today instead, and yeah, maybe you wouldn't feed them doughnuts and milk ("it's calcium!") after school, but grandpa has the energy to wave Charmander around and roar even though he definitely doesn’t know the rules. It is strength to give your children the gift of adults who aren't you who love them.

When I think about all of us, giving our whole hearts to these little creatures in a world on fire, I believe we are all being strong, in more ways than we're counting.

Whatever strength looks like today for you: it counts.

“He just wants his own way.”

Some days it feels like you’re raising a tyrant. He wants a certain seat, the monkey cup, the same routine, to play with the same friend every day at recess, and if you deviate: meltdown. It's exhausting. 

Teachers call him "rigid" or "inflexible" or "spoiled" or "stubborn." Sometimes he’s "obsessed" or "fixated" on having a certain object, partner, or space. Sometimes he’s "just being difficult."

Except: we ALL want our own way. I want my own way right now. Many of us learn to be flexible or to effectively explain our needs and advocate for ourselves. Most of us still stand in line being annoyed at anyone who’s ahead of us.

When a child insists on something so fiercely that they'll melt down without it, there's a reason. To explore what might be going on behind this kind of rigidity, let's take one example: a child who insists, every day, loudly and sometimes to the point of tears or aggression, on sitting in the blue chair.

Adults think, "What's so important about a blue chair?"

Actually, I can think of a ton of reasons.

What might really be going on

There are a million reasons a child might feel they need the blue chair, and none of them is because they're spoiled or trying to be difficult:

1. Anxiety and lack of control. They're really anxious about something, even if they aren't sure what, and keeping the blue chair the same every day grounds them. Sometimes we eat the same thing or shower in the same order. They might be taking control of what they can, trying to limit how much change or unknown is in their life. They might just really need not to "give" on this one thing after coping and masking all day long.

2. OCD or panic. They might believe that sitting in this chair daily is what's holding everything together or keeping something awful from happening. They're facing the door, which is keeping any bad guys from storming through it. When we try to get them to move, they panic (naturally, since now something terrible will happen) and in their panic they can't explain. Or maybe they worry explaining will ruin the magic of the chair.

3. It worked last time. Always having the same partner, being first, or getting the blue chair might be an effort to replicate something that worked in the past. Your child might not understand themselves well enough to know what makes things harder or easier. But that one day they did great and got to bring home an "I was good!" sticker, they sat in the blue chair, so yes, please, let's do that every day. They're going to insist on that friend or that seat because it works for them, and other options have failed spectacularly or at least used up a lot of coping capacity. If in the past, this activity has ended with them overwhelmed and panicked or in big fat trouble, they're desperate to avoid that and may not be thinking rationally or generously.

4. Practical considerations. The blue seat is away from the door so there isn't hallway noise or a draft or they can hear the teacher better. It's the only chair where their feet land firmly on the ground, or there's a bookshelf to lean on, so they don't need as much core strength to stay upright. They can see the whiteboard. They can see the clock, so they know how long they have left to sit still. They're lefty, and there's more room in this spot to write left-handed. They're further from the supplies so other kids disrupt them less. They're closer to the supplies or faster to be first in line when math ends, which makes transitioning to lunch much easier.

5. Sensory issues. This chair has a place to put your feet that maybe they can rub their shoe on or it wobbles a little bit and offers some sensory input. It's away from the terrible buzz of the heater or closer to the fan that's keeping them from overheating. They can't hear the noise in the hallway, or they can hear the grounding whirr of the air system. There are tons more sensory possibilities.

6. Social stuff. The coolest kid in the class sat in this chair, and, not understanding at all what makes some of us cool and some of us shunned, it makes sense to keep trying the chair. From the blue chair, they can't see the kids who whisper about them, or they can see everyone, so they know nobody's pointing or laughing behind their back. It's close to the teacher, so they get a little extra attention or social input. It's far away, so they're much less likely to get called on. It's next to a friend or someone the child thinks is safe (and nobody has noticed that friend always sits there because they don't fall apart when they can't). They're across the circle from someone who's friendly. There is a really good reason that it seems like injustice to have to move, but they're the only ones who know it.

It's not just the blue chair. The same principle applies whether your child is insisting on the same breakfast, the same route to school, wearing the same outfit, or always being first in line. Behind the rigidity is always a reason.

Now, yes, sometimes a toddler wants the purple cup because they're learning about consistency and preferences. That's normal development. But if rigidity is causing daily battles, meltdowns, or seems out of proportion to the situation, there's usually something deeper underneath.

Where to start

You might recognize your child immediately in one of these descriptions, or you might be thinking "could be any of them" or "sounds like three of these at once." That's normal; these things often overlap, and kids themselves don't always know what's making something hard. That's where detective work comes in.

Ask your child. Now, a child maybe can't explain what's going on, especially if they have communication challenges or they're already overwhelmed. It took me several drafts and years of life experience to write that list. What they can say is "I need the blue chair."

But when they're calm, you can try: "Hey buddy, I notice you really like that blue chair. What makes it work for you?" Or make some guesses: "Some kids like chairs where their feet touch the ground, or some kids like to sit away from the door because it's quieter. Does any of that sound like you?"

[Link to: Figuring out what might be behind the behaviour]

Let them have it while you figure it out. Remember, they really feel they need it, like maybe terrible things are going to happen if they don't get it. It's super frustrating and scary to be told, "No, you had it last time." They think, "Yes, I know, and it worked, that's why I want it now," but they can't say that (because of panic and overwhelm and maybe communication difficulties). Panic ensues. Things escalate, and now they're in tears in the office, frustrated because they were trying to do the right thing and ask for the option that would have helped them "be good," and instead they're terrified and embarrassed and feeling horridly alone and misunderstood, and everyone else is saying, "Gee whiz, all this over a chair?!"

So let them have the blue chair. Not forever, necessarily, but while you investigate. You're not "giving in" to a tyrant. You're giving your child what they need while you figure out how to teach them to understand and articulate what makes certain seats work and what makes others hard. You're teaching them that telling their teachers and caregivers about something they need, even imperfectly, is worth the effort. You're making sure they don't feel alone or suffer in silence.

What if you can't let them have it? There aren't enough blue chairs, it's not your choice to make, or another child needs it too? Start with believing your child needs it for a reason, even if you can't give them the exact thing right now. Can you offer something that might meet the same need? If you're stuck, focus on the detective work first: understanding why they need it helps you advocate for accommodations or find workarounds, even when the blue chair itself isn't available.

What to remember

Once you understand what's driving the rigidity, you have options. Sometimes the answer is simple accommodations: let them have the thing, create more "blue chair equivalents," modify the environment to remove the stressor. Sometimes you need to build skills gradually: teach them to understand their needs, find language for them, and advocate for themselves. Sometimes you realize the demand itself needs to change. Every situation is different, and there's no rush. Start with understanding, then problem-solve from there.

If you want help figuring out what might be going on with your individual child or what to do about it, that’s what we do.

Schedule a one-on-one behaviour consultation.

Join a group event.

Find another article.

“Why can’t they just sit still?”

My whole family jiggles. Our dinner table registers on seismographs. Sit one of them down to accomplish something and you've got maybe three minutes before they're vertical again. It’s like whack-a-mole.

Your child can't sit through family dinner. Or homework time. Or the car ride to grandma's. Or school. Anywhere you need them to stay in one spot, they're wiggling, complaining, melting down, or finding reasons to escape.

You're not asking for perfection. You just want them to make it through without everyone ending up frustrated and exhausted.

Here's the thing: sitting still is harder than it looks, and if your child could do it, they would. Something is making it hard. Let's use family dinner as an example to understand what might really be going on, but whether it's dinner, homework, waiting rooms, or school, these same reasons apply.

What might really be happening

1. They need to move.

Without movement, some kids lose track of where they are in space or where the chair ends and they begin. Or they simply aren't getting enough sensory input to feel grounded. Maybe they already sat still all day at school, then during their brother's swim practice, then in the car, then for homework. It's just too much. The chair might not be right for their size (do their legs reach the ground?), or they might not have the core strength to stay upright in it for so long without serious effort. For some kids, their meds have worn off by the time you need them to sit, and they're full of jumping beans and agitation. Their body is demanding they move; it’s not optional.

2. The sensory environment is overwhelming (or not enough).

At dinner, maybe they can't stand the sound of chewing or silverware clinking. In the car, it's the hum of the engine or the feel of the seatbelt. At school, it's the echo and the heat and the lights. Something about the environment (temperature, sounds, smells, textures, visual input…) is making this space unbearable. Or it's the opposite: the environment doesn't offer enough sensory input, and sitting quietly makes them feel disconnected or itchy inside. They might not even know what's making them so uncomfortable. Sometimes people don't notice what's agitating them (you can get hangry without realizing you're hungry), so they may not be able to tell you what's wrong. They just know they need to get out or get more input. [link to Sensory]

3. The social or emotional demands are too much.

At dinner, maybe the conversation is too hard to follow or nobody’s including them or by the time they have something to contribute, the right moment has always passed. Or maybe they’ve messed up in conversation so much that participation is nerve-wracking. Maybe other people's gaze or expectations feel like pressure. During homework, sitting next to you while you're clearly frustrated or wanting desperately for them to get it might be overwhelming. Maybe they're getting too much emotional information from the people around them; some kids take in every bit of social info but can’t process it. Maybe they can sense the family tension you think they can't sense, and it roils their insides. Maybe “let’s go around and tell something about our day” is awful because their day was awful and maybe they dod something awful and you’re about to get a call from school, so they are jumpy or they have to get out of there NOW. Or maybe they simply do not have the energy left to be around people after a long day of trying. Sitting still often means sitting with others, and that's its own demand.

4. The task itself is difficult or boring.

At dinner, cutting and scooping require fine motor skills they haven’t mastered, or there's nothing they can eat, given their sensory challenges with food. They’ve eaten everything they feel is safe or easy to eat and now they’re sitting there while their sister sporks one pea at a time before they can “be excused.” Nobody wants to hear about their special interest. Homework might be too hard or they might not have any idea where to start, so they feel stuck, or it’s all too easy or seems irrelevant, and their brain can’t motivate to do it (this can happen especially with ADHD [link]). In the car, there's literally nothing to do. At school, the circle time length is indefinite and unpredictable. They're done, or stuck, or bored, or frustrated, and sitting there anyway feels pointless or impossible. When the activity itself isn't working, sitting through it feels like torture.

5. They're confused, anxious, or overwhelmed by expectations.

They don't understand the rules. At dinner, mom jumps up constantly, so why can't they? There are different rules when Grandma’s there. They always sit in the brown chair, which they really believe is important for everyone’s safety, or at least for routines, so any other chair feels dangerous. You said "just a few more minutes" twenty minutes ago. Or they're worried: about what happened at school today, about the state of the world, about whether they'll mess up or get in trouble. There is so much to be confused, anxious or overwhelmed about at school. Sometimes, sitting still becomes one more thing they're probably doing wrong.

Where to start

Ask them, when things are calm.

Not in the moment. Not right after a meltdown. Find them when things are calm. Pick one specific context and say something gentle and non-judgmental like, "Hey, it seems like [dinnertime/homework/circle time] has been really hard lately. What's going on?" Then listen. Take seriously whatever they say, even if it seems unlikely or small to you. [link to figuring it out]

They might have an idea you never considered. They might have no idea at all, or no way to articulate what's happening. If they say "I don't know," try some guesses: "Some kids find it hard to sit for a long time because their bodies need to move. Some kids don't like certain sounds or feelings. Some kids get bored or worried. Does any of that sound right?" You're investigating together, not interrogating.

Make one thing easier right now.

Pick the most obvious pain point and address it. If their body needs to move, can they stand instead of sit? Fidget with something? Take movement breaks? If the sensory environment is too much, can they wear headphones, face a different direction, adjust the temperature? If the task is boring or too hard, can you break it into smaller chunks, or give them something to do with their hands while they wait?

You're not "giving in." You're lowering the bar [link] so they can actually do the thing you're asking them to do. Let them eat dinner standing up or on an exercise ball. Let them do homework on the floor or while pacing the kitchen. The goal isn't perfect stillness; it's getting through the activity.

Remember what you're actually trying to achieve.

Sometimes we get so focused on the "right" way to do something that we forget what we're actually trying to accomplish. Family dinner isn't really about everyone sitting in the same chairs at the same time: it's about connection.

Your child might not sit down to study the way other kids do. They might need to stand at dinner, or bounce during homework, or fidget through circle time. And that's okay. Sitting still was never actually the goal. The goal is that they can participate, learn, connect, and be part of things in a way that works for their body and brain.

If you can figure out how to make that accessible for your child, they'll learn that when something is hard for them, the answer isn't to try harder or hide it better. It's to figure out what's making it hard and change what needs changing. They'll learn that their needs aren't character flaws. And they'll learn that you're on their side, even when it means doing things differently than everyone else.

If you want help figuring out what might be going on with your individual child or what to do about it, that’s what we do.

Schedule a one-on-one behaviour consultation.

Join a group event.

Find another article.

“He just goes zero to sixty!”

Sometimes everything is fine. Great, even. Then one little thing happens and BAM! Your child explodes, seemingly out of nowhere. It's terrifying. They escalate so fast, you don’t have time to keep up. Things are being screamed, thrown, or punched before you’ve fully processed the first seconds. There’s no time to do any of the advice parenting books recommend. 

So you start being REALLY careful, to try to make sure it doesn’t happen. You probably give in a lot more than your instinct knows is wise (I’ve been there), just to keep things calm. You never expected to be walking on eggshells around a 6 year-old, trying not to set them off. 

School calls all the time, but they have no answers. They say, “He just goes 0-60.”

Here's the thing: kids almost never actually go 0-60. It’s our job to figure out what’s happening from 0-59.

What might really be going on

1. Panic

Kids (especially kids with something like OCD or a history of trauma) can have triggers that are hard for people around to understand or recognize. Some kids also have a consistently high baseline level of anxiety. When triggered, kids may truly believe that something awful is about to happen. So they panic.

If your house is on fire, what do you do? You focus on getting everyone out, not explaining politely. You go 0-60.

2. Nobody helped them the first 0-59 times they tried

This is my most common guess. "She just goes 0-60" usually means nobody helped her when she was at 0-59. Maybe nobody was paying attention. Maybe the child articulately and politely asked for a break or for help, or they mentioned that something was bothering them, but they got told no or that they should "ignore it." Maybe it was a failure of communication; they asked in ways that didn’t work or that made sense to them but not to adults around them. 

Remember: your child does not know their calls for help are incomprehensible to grown-ups. To them, it feels like they are asking, but being ignored. So they aren't going 0-60, they are escalating to get something they need in the face of nobody listening.

3. Nothing but 60 has worked in the past

Maybe a child has tried and tried to express that they are overwhelmed, day after day, but we keep sending them back into the same situation. They know by now: levels 0-59 don't work. Level 60, though? That gets them kicked out of the room for sure every time, which means they escape whatever it is that was too much for them to handle. So now they skip to 60 to get what they need.

This can be true in lots of situations: if we aren't showing kids we hear them when they ask for help no matter how they ask for it, they may learn to start at 60, just to be heard.

4. They simply can't hold it together another second

Maybe they've been doing a really good job coping in the face of a million hard things. They've rolled with schedule changes. They’ve white-knuckled it through sensory overload: the fluorescent lights buzzing, the too-tight waistband, the cafeteria noise that feels like it's drilling into their ears (remember, often with sensory, kids don’t even realize what’s upsetting their systems). They’ve ignored the kids whispering. They have taken their breaths and used their strategies. All this time, it's been building, like a tidal wave. And then one more thing happens, something small or dumb that in any other situation would barely register. But it is the last straw.

They aren't going 0-60. They're just keeping 0-59 inside.

5. Physical considerations

Maybe they have low blood sugar, either in a typical way or due to a medical issue. Some kids fly into "rages" just from this. Some kids' bodies fail to recognize physical pain or discomfort until it's overwhelming and needs immediate attention (this can be anything from the need to use the washroom to a migraine). When we label kids with things like "they just go 0-60," we can miss physical or medical reasons it makes perfect sense that they seem to explode.

Where to start figuring it out

Ask your child. Wait until things are calm (maybe hours later, maybe the next day). Say something curious-not-judgmental like, "Hey buddy, it seems like things got really hard for you earlier. What was going on?" Then listen. Take seriously whatever they say, even if it seems unlikely. If they say "I don't know," try some guesses: "Sometimes kids get really frustrated when..." You're looking for patterns, triggers, warning signs you might have missed. [Read: Figuring out what might be behind the behaviour]

Look for 0-59. Start paying attention before things escalate. What's happening in the minutes or hours before? What does your child look like at 30? At 45? Maybe they get quieter. Maybe they start moving more. Maybe their jaw tightens or they start making mistakes they don't usually make. Maybe their voice changes. Once you know what 0-59 looks like for your child, you can step in earlier with the help they need.

When you see them in the 0-59 place. Once you know what your child's warning signs look like, try to interrupt the cycle before they hit 60. This might mean offering a break before they ask for one, reducing demands immediately ("Actually, you know what? Let's skip the rest of those math problems"), offering connection ("Want to sit with me for a minute?"), or distracting them with something calming that helps them be in their logical mind, like a puzzle or story. Sometimes kids don't even know they're escalating, and your calm intervention can help them recognize "Oh, I'm getting overwhelmed" before it becomes a crisis.

During the next meltdown. Prioritize safety and regulation. Your job right now isn't to teach or fix or explain; it's to keep everyone safe and help them calm their nervous system. Use minimal words: "I'm here," "You're safe." Remove dangerous objects, get other kids somewhere else, if possible. Some kids do really well with space (if they don’t have someone to yell AT, they calm more easily). Other kids need presence (but that doesn’t mean you have to ENGAGE with yelling or meanness; you can be nearby without engaging). Don't try to problem-solve, reason with them, or ask what's wrong. Their thinking brain isn't available right now. You'll circle back later when they've regulated.

What to remember

Behind anything kids do that seems unexpected, frustrating, disruptive, or aggressive, there's an unmet need that, for whatever reason, they can't express in other, more sympathetic, or more effective ways. Instead of focusing on scolding or punishing kids for the things they say or do when they're at 60, it’s important to understand WHY they’re ramping up so quickly, so we can figure out how to help them.

If you want help figuring out what might be going on with your individual child or what to do about it, that’s what we do.

Schedule a one-on-one behaviour consultation.

Join a group event.

Want to read more about what might be behind the behaviour? Start here.

Real life sensory strategies

You do not have to try ALL of these. Please don’t try all of these!

If you need something to try TODAY: Jump to our Sensory Quick Guide for immediate strategies.

If you have 5 minutes: Read "The Process" and "How to use sensory strategies" below, then pick ONE specific strategy to try.

If you just need ideas for school: Read “School support and advocacy,” towards the end of the article.

If you're ready to explore your child’s specific needs: Read the whole article. Or start with Part 1: Understanding sensory challenges.

The Process (before you try anything)

Before buying anything or changing routines, it helps to slow down and notice patterns. An OT can help you figure this out for your specific child.

Three things to ask yourself (and/or your child, if they can answer):

1. When/where are things hard?

In Music? During transitions? Before bed? In busy places? Setting can give clues to what input is problematic and when to offer support.

2. What is your child already doing? 

Jumping, chewing, hiding, pacing, refusing clothes/food? The things your child does when they have an unmet need are our best clues to what that need is. The goal is to understand what the behaviour is doing for them. If your child is running around every night at bedtime, they might need more movement beforehand.

3. Are they seeking input or trying to escape it?

Are they reaching out, running around, crashing, making noise, or craving interaction? Or, are they holing up, curling in, running away, acting annoyed or tuning others out?

Sometimes it seems backwards. A child making loud noises might be seeking sound OR trying to block out other sounds. This is why it takes some close observation across settings.

The goal: Make a best guess. Choose something that offers similar input in a safer/easier way. See below for ideas.

Sensory support comes first. Skills like coping, reflection, and communication are much easier to learn once a child’s nervous system feels safer.

How to use sensory strategies

Introducing a new strategy or tool

Pick one thing. Offer it neutrally. Prioritize autonomy, no pressure. Model using it yourself. Say: “This is something that helps some kids’ bodies feel calmer. Want to try it or not today?”

Put the tool within reach and let your child explore how to use it. Avoid hovering, coaching, or asking for immediate feedback. 

A tool is helping if your child seems more comfortable, engaged, or able to recover, not just if they look quieter or more compliant.

This is trial and error. Try tools a few different times, watch patterns over days, and check in with your child when they’re calm.

If your child hates something, don’t force it. If it increases agitation, shutdown, or the behaviours you’re trying to help in the first place, stop and reassess.

If your child needs a tool, it's a need, like eyeglasses for vision. 

You would never:

• Only let a child wear glasses as a reward for good behavior

• Take glasses away as punishment

• Shame them for needing glasses

• Force them to try to cope without them because “they have to learn”

• Give them what works for someone else without figuring out their own prescription

• Worry that if they have glasses, everyone will want them

Please don’t let anyone do those things with your child’s sensory supports either.

Be proactive and predictable

Many sensory strategies work best before a child is overwhelmed. Waiting until a meltdown or shutdown fails because the nervous system is already flooded.

A proactive approach (sometimes called a “sensory diet”) means offering predictable sensory support throughout the day, especially before known hard moments.

This doesn’t need to be rigid or complicated. Start by offering one predictable support at one predictable time (movement before school, scheduled breaks in a quiet space during the day). Offer them the strategy even if they feel regulated. Make it part of the routine, not something that’s being shoved at them once they’re struggling.

Once they’re regulated: Help kids express sensory experiences

Putting words to sensory experiences can reduce panic and confusion. When kids understand what is happening in their bodies, sensations feel less threatening and more tolerable. It also helps them solve the real problem (e.g., the heat) instead of the story they made up to explain the discomfort (“I hate math”). Naming sensations is the first step toward asking for what they need.

This only works when a child is calm enough to think. During meltdowns or shutdowns, focus on support, not language. 

Ways parents can model and teach sensory language:

• Speak out loud descriptively about your own sensory discomfort (“This light feels harsh on my eyes.” “This shirt has a rough texture.”)

• Borrow language from people with sensory differences you think might be similar to your child’s. Adults with autism and ADHD share clear, usable descriptions of sensory experiences you can find online. Tell your child, “Some people find this kind of light really hard to look at because it kind of flickers. Do you see that?”

• Validate your child’s experience with language first (“you feel hungry”), even if it is unexpected or hard to understand; problem-solve later.

A simple advocacy pattern to teach:

• I have a sensory thing (or a “noise thing”).

• X feels/is really hard for me.

• I need ___.

Specific ideas to try

These are organized by general need. You do not need to read them ALL! Choose ONE category that sounds most like your child. Try ONE thing from that section. Come back later for others.

Again, I am not an Occupational Therapist. A real OT is your best bet for finding solutions for your individual child. But I know that’s not accessible for everyone.

Scroll to read about:

• Kids who are intense, crashy, rough, or "too much"

• Kids who are restless, “space out,” or can't get started

• Kids who are anxious, exhausted, or "just done" after busy environments

• Kids who chew, suck, mouth objects, or bite

• Kids with clothing battles, food refusal, or shutdown around textures

• Kids who don’t notice hunger, thirst, fatigue, or bathroom needs until it’s urgent

• Kids overwhelmed by visual input

For kids who are intense, crashy, rough, or "too much"

Try: Proprioceptive input

Some kids need more proprioceptive input to organize and calm the nervous system, to know where their body is, and feel more grounded and secure. This means input to muscles and joints that tells the body where it is in space: basically, heavy work and deep pressure.

• Before school: carrying a heavy backpack, pushing against a wall, biking uphill, pushing a loaded stroller (if safe)

• After school: rough housing (with consent), pulling/pushing heavy furniture, carrying groceries, giving “horse” rides to a sibling

• During homework: sitting on a wobble cushion, using a resistance band on chair legs, frequent heavy movement breaks

• Before bed: tight wrap in blankets (burrito roll), “squish” with couch cushions, heavy work like push-ups against the wall or squats, 

Tools:

• Weighted lap pad or vest (these are more portable and less “trapping” than blankets)

• Big chewable jewelry or pencil toppers

• Therapy putty or stress balls with real resistance

• Compression clothing

Note: Weighted items aren't meant for all-day use, and more isn't always better.

For kids who are restless, “space out,” or can't get started

Try: Movement (vestibular input)

• Before seated work: big jumps or jumping jacks, burpees, dancing, swinging

• During focus work: bouncing on yoga ball, rocking chair, standing desk, wobble seat, lots of movement breaks

Tools:

• Yoga ball as desk chair

• Trampoline

• Swinging (linear back-and-forth, not spinning)

Note: Fast movement and spinning can be dysregulating for some kids. Start with slow, predictable, linear movement. Watch your child's response.

For kids who are anxious, exhausted, or "just done" after busy environments

Try: Less or muted sensory input 

• Headphones or earplugs in busy places

• Quiet space to decompress (no questions, no demands)

• Dim lighting, less visual clutter, 

• Avoid crowds when possible, or create a secluded space within them

• Predictable routines and a simple “It’s too much” signal to allow escape

Tools to try:

• Noise-cancelling or noise-reducing headphones

• White noise machine for sleep

• Sunglasses, hat, hoodie, umbrella

• 3-fold presentation board for privacy, corner seat or a spot facing away from the crowd

• Mesh “tent” so they can feel like they are hiding but remain visible

For kids who chew, suck, mouth objects, or bite

Some kids seek oral input because they crave that sensation. Others need stronger input to their jaw and mouth to feel grounded (this overlaps with proprioceptive needs). Either way, giving them safe ways to meet this need can prevent unsafe chewing and biting.

Try: Oral sensory input

• Chewable jewelry, pencil toppers, or dedicated chew tools

• Crunchy/chewy snacks during homework or transitions

• Drinking through straws (especially thick smoothies)

• Gum (if it’s age-appropriate and safe)

Safety note: Monitor for choking risks. Replace worn chew tools.

For kids with clothing battles, food refusal, or shutdown around textures

Try: Give them control over tactile input

• Clothing: Let them choose based on feel, not looks. Buy triplicates. Look for seamless (especially socks!), elastic waists, soft cottons. Cut out tags. Try cotton boxer briefs for the war on undies, regardless of gender.

• Food: Remember sensory-based food refusal is not about “pickiness” or control. Support means preserving predictability and safety: separate foods, avoid surprise mixing (no “hidden veggies”), respect “safe foods,” and offer new foods alongside familiar ones without pressure. Exposure without consent often increases fear and restriction.

• Touch: Again, reduce surprise and increase control. Make hugging optional. Always warn them/ask consent before touching. Respect that they experience light touch as painful, but help them understand others may not intend to hurt them. For haircuts and nail-clipping, narrate each step, allow your child to explore the tools (if safe), and use distractions if they help. Use firm, predictable pressure (e.g., on the toe itself before cutting the nail).

• Let them carry textures they DO like: fidgets, favorite blanket, specific stuffed animal (again: buy triplicates), silky handkerchief…

What NOT to do: Force exposure. "They need to get used to it" often backfires.

For kids who don’t notice hunger, thirst, fatigue, or bathroom needs until it’s urgent

Some kids genuinely don't receive clear signals from their bodies about internal states (called interoception). It's not that they're ignoring their body's needs; their nervous system isn't sending reliable messages about those needs in the first place. Many “sudden meltdowns” spring from this. 

Try:

• Scheduled body check-ins (Ask them: “food, water, bathroom, rest?”) rather than waiting for cues.  Offer snacks, washroom, water, a break on a similar schedule. Don’t force them to take what you offer though, or say “last time you had an accident, remember?”

• Visual reminders (timers, charts, routine-based prompts)

• Neutral language (“Your body might need fuel”) instead of waiting for self-report

For kids overwhelmed by visual input

Try:

• Reduced visual clutter in work areas: clear bins with lids instead of open toy boxes, solid-color folders, minimal decorations on walls. In the bedroom, rotate toys in/out of storage so fewer are visible at once.

• Solid-color backgrounds for homework and focused tasks

• Seating facing a wall, not the room, or a tri-fold presentation board to create a visual boundary at their workspace

• Lower lighting, avoid fluorescent lights when possible (they flicker imperceptibly but can be very bothersome)

• Sunglasses, hats, or hoodies when outside or in bright spaces

• Paper copies instead of screens when possible

Note: Visual schedules and charts can help some kids but overwhelm others. Watch your child's response, or bring them out only when needed.

School Support & Advocacy

Many sensory supports are low-effort, high-impact, and easy to implement at school. Here are my top five to try:

• Seating changes or sensory-friendly seating add-ons like wobble cushions or resistance bands

• Proactive/scheduled and in-the-moment big movement breaks 

• Access to a quiet space with low visual stimulation

• Flexibility on clothing expectations and rules (wearing a hat or hood, sunglasses, short sleeves in winter, elastic waist pants)

• Tools: Headphones, fidgets, compression clothing

Write strategies into formal plans. Specify when tools can be used, not just whether they’re allowed (e.g., “during independent work,” “before transitions,” “as needed without asking”). Make sure ALL the adults around your child know the tools are ACCESS SUPPORTS, not rewards.

Teach your child clear, simple language like, “I have a sensory thing. Noise is very hard for me. I need a break.” OR, give them a visual card, so they can ask for what they need even if speech fails them.

If your immediate reaction is “there’s no way the school will agree to this.” 

Read: How to project manage your school meeting for more advice on advocating and collaboration with educators.

Re-frame: Sensory supports are access tools, and your child is struggling, not “bad.”

Frame it as a general accessibility question: “What does the school do for children who are unable to participate in the music due to sensory disabilities?”

Start small: Ask for one predictable movement break, a seating change, or access to a quieter space during independent work.”  

If the school says they "tried it and it didn't work.”

Ask for data: how often was it offered, for how long, under what conditions? Can you see the observation record? What did your child report? Most sensory strategies need consistent implementation over time, not a one-day trial.

“But if your child has headphones, everyone in the class will want them.” 

This is simply untrue. Kids use tools if they need them. If every child in the class is really asking for a certain sensory tool, there’s something in the environment making it hard for every child.

Please seek professional help if:

• Sensory distress is escalating

• Daily routines (school, sleep, eating) are completely breaking down

• Tools are making things worse

• You have safety concerns (self-injury, aggression, risky behaviours)

• You're constantly firefighting

An occupational therapist looks at how sensory processing, nervous system regulation, and environment interact. The goal isn’t to force kids to tolerate discomfort, but to reduce distress and build skills for recognizing and advocating for needs.

Look for pediatric OTs with experience in sensory integration and neurodiversity-affirming practice. You want someone who asks "how can we support this?" not "how do we make them act normal?"

This is detective work. Your child is already trying to tell you what they need through what they seek, what they avoid, and what they do when they’re overwhelmed. You're learning to listen in a new way.

And if you need help figuring it out, let's talk. Schedule a one-on-one consultation.

Start at the beginning: Understanding Sensory.

Find another article.

Understanding Sensory Challenges

TL;DR? Check out our Sensory Quick Guide.

A story

My kid loves math. They’re really good at it. Then, in grade 11, they suddenly hated physics.

“The teacher hates me.” “It’s too hard.”

It was not too hard, and this teacher adored my kid.

So I go for a parent–teacher conference in the physics room. I walk in and the heat hits me like a wall of bricks.

“Oh yeah,” the teacher says. “It’s warm all winter because we’re above the boiler room.”

In that hot second, I knew my kid’s struggles had nothing to do with physics.

“Oh,” my kid said when I brought up the heat later. “That’s probably it.”

We got them a seat just outside in the hall, with the classroom door open so the teacher could be heard and keep an eye on them. They got an A in physics.

This kind of thing happens all the time with sensory challenges.

In some ways, sensory needs are low-hanging fruit. Not because they’re simple, but because sometimes moving the seat, adding headphones, or offering a swing makes more difference than years of behavior or regulation programs ever could.

When kids are struggling, especially in ways that seem “weird,” unexpected, or out of proportion, it’s worth looking at sensory factors first. Even more so if your child has autism, ADHD, anxiety, trauma history, or other things that often come with sensory differences.

Things to understand about sensory challenges

Sensory struggles are real.

This isn't just discomfort. For some kids, what seem like “normal” levels of sensory input can cause actual physical pain, panic, nausea, and/or a full-body stress response, flooding kids' systems with “do something!” signals that feel like anger or panic. Having too little sensory input can be terrifying: imagine not being able to tell where your body ends and the chair begins, or feeling disconnected from your own limbs. 

Kids aren’t being dramatic, picky, manipulative, or deliberately difficult. They are dealing with very real differences in how their nervous systems take in, filter, and make sense of the world around them, the world inside them, and the relationship between the two.

Sensory challenges don't announce themselves clearly. 

Your child isn’t going to say, “I’m overwhelmed by proprioceptive input.” Sometimes they can say, “It’s too hot in here.” Often they can’t.

They may not even realize what it is. They feel agitation, discomfort, or a sense that something is wrong, and they do their best to explain it. That explanation might sound like: “Everyone is staring at me,” or “I’m bad at math now.”

Misattribution has real consequences: the things they do to address or in response to this story they’ve made up to explain the discomfort not only won’t help but also can quietly erode confidence, learning, and willingness to try.

Sometimes kids don’t have language for what they’re feeling. Sometimes the language doesn’t exist. And sometimes kids do recognize what’s happening, only to hear adults respond with: “It’s not that hot,” “You just ate,” or “You’re fine.”

Most parents aren’t dismissive on purpose. They’re using their own bodies as reference points. But when kids repeatedly hear that their experience doesn’t match reality, they may stop trusting their own signals, or stop trying to explain them at all.

Sensory challenges are differences in how the nervous system detects, filters, and prioritizes information. 

Note: I am not an occupational therapist. Your OT might explain this differently.

They often show up as hypersensitivity (input registers as “too much” quickly) or hyposensitivity (needing more input to register). Many kids have spiky sensory profiles, with needs that vary by sense, situation, stress level, illness, fatigue, or stage of development.

You may hear the terms sensory processing differences or Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD). SPD isn’t a formal DSM diagnosis, but it’s widely used by occupational therapists and families.

Many “behaviours” are kids’ attempts to cope with these differences.

Some kids avoid overwhelming input; others seek it out intensely through movement, pressure, or repetition.

A child hiding under a table and a child who can’t stop crashing into things may both be trying to get their nervous system to a tolerable place. Behaviors like chewing, rhythmic rocking, or hitting their own legs often provide strong proprioceptive input that helps a child feel grounded.

This is different from intentional self harm. That said, if a behavior is leaving marks, escalating, or paired with emotional distress, get support. An occupational therapist can help identify what your child needs and safer ways to meet that need.

Pushing through sensory distress takes enormous energy, if it’s even possible. 

That energy then isn’t available for learning, emotional regulation, or social interaction. Ignoring sensory needs also means kids never learn to recognize what they’re feeling or how to advocate for themselves.

Sensory struggles across 5 senses…

How kids might experience them, and what to look for.

Visual

Lights that feel painfully bright, flickering or buzzing fluorescent lights, visual clutter. Kids might squint constantly, avoid looking at screens or books, complain about headaches, or prefer dimly lit spaces. On the flip side, some kids crave high contrast, movement, or bright colors; they might stare at spinning objects or lights.

Sound

Everyday noises that hurt, feel startling, or flood the system. Your child might cover their ears, complain that places are "too loud" when they seem fine to you, or have meltdowns in busy restaurants or assemblies. They might hear the buzz of fluorescent lights that you can't hear, or startle at sounds other people don't notice (our oven fan is awful!). Some kids seek out loud noises, humming, or music constantly for that strong auditory input.

Taste

“Pickiness,” strong preferences for crunchy or predictable foods, avoidance of slimy textures. Kids may be diagnosed with Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID). Your child might gag at the sight or smell of certain foods, refuse anything "mixed together," or eat the same five foods on repeat. They might prefer very hot or very cold foods for strong temperature input, or crave intense flavors while finding bland foods unbearable. This is not defiance or faking. Their sensory system is genuinely responding to textures and tastes differently than yours.

Smell

Perfume, smoke, cleaning products, or food smells that feel nauseating or overwhelming. Your child might refuse to go into certain stores, gag at food smells, or complain about smells nobody else notices. They might get headaches, avoid hugging people who wear perfume, or have seemingly random meltdowns that turn out to be smell-triggered. Alternatively, some kids seek out strong, "stinky" smells: sniffing markers, their own socks, or getting close to smell things intensely.

Touch

The classic war with underwear. Tags, seams, tight waists, or clothes that are too loose and unpredictable. “My socks are yelling at me.” Kids might refuse to change clothes (or wear them), hate certain fabrics, or have ongoing battles about haircuts and hair washing. Or they might crave deep pressure: squeezing, hugging hard, hitting, biting, not to hurt, but for that strong input.

…And three more senses many of us never learned about

Proprioception

The sense of where your body is in space. It supports balance, coordinated movement, force control, and personal space. Kids who need more proprioceptive input might crash into people, hug too hard, stomp when they walk, or constantly seek "heavy work" like pushing, pulling, climbing. They might love weighted blankets, tight bear hugs, or resistance activities. Others might seem clumsy, have difficulty with personal space, or struggle to judge how much force to use.

Interoception

The sense of what's happening inside your body: Hunger, thirst, fullness, needing to use the bathroom, temperature, feeling sick, emotional cues, and early signs of sleepiness. Kids with interoceptive differences might not realize they're hungry until they melt down, have frequent accidents because they don't notice the signal until it's urgent, or say "I'm fine" when they're actually exhausted or in pain. They might struggle with potty training long past when you'd expect, forget to eat or drink, or have difficulty recognizing when they're getting sick.

So much of our self-regulation curriculum asks “what’s happening in your body?” For kids with interoceptive differences, the answer may genuinely be divergent or “I don’t know,” making these approaches confusing or ineffective without sensory support.

Pain perception (nociception)

Some kids notice pain late, struggle to locate it, or react very strongly once they do notice it. Your child might not cry when genuinely hurt, fail to notice injuries until later, or have an extremely high pain threshold that worries you. Or the opposite: they might react intensely to minor bumps, have very low pain tolerance, or struggle to distinguish between "this actually hurts" and "this feels uncomfortable." Nociceptive differences are often connected to chronic pain, migraines, and confusing injury patterns.

If any of this feels familiar, or explains things that haven’t made sense before, don’t panic. The good news is sensory strategies can be super helpful, and one tool often supports many challenges. 

Read more in Real life sensory strategies, or go to the Sensory Quick Guide.

Find another article.

Sensory Quick Guide: 5 things to know, look for, and try

No time for even the Quick Guide? Skip straight to our top tools list at the end.

Have more time to explore? Read Understanding sensory challenges or Real life sensory strategies for deeper info and more ideas.

5 Things to Understand About Sensory Challenges

1. This is about how nervous systems process input, not behaviour.

Sensory challenges are real differences in how kids take in, filter, and make sense of the world around them, inside them, and the relationship between those two. “Behaviour" is often a nervous system doing its best to cope.

2. Sensory distress can cause real pain, panic, or disconnection.

This isn't just discomfort. For some kids, sound hurts. Clothing feels unbearable. Not getting enough sensory input can be terrifying. Kids aren't being dramatic or picky. Their bodies are giving them urgent stress signals.

3. Kids don’t always express sensory struggles in clear ways.

Many kids don’t say, "my ears hurt." Instead, they get irritable, shut down, or act out. If you don't experience sensory input the way your child does, it's hard to recognize what's happening: the world feels fine to you, so it's easy to miss the sensory struggle.

4. Kids might not even realize it's sensory.

Kids make sense of discomfort the best way they can, but they can easily misattribute their stress. Instead of "this noise hurts," they decide, "Everyone here hates me." If the real cause isn't addressed, those misattributions can spill into confidence, relationships, and motivation.

5. Simple sensory supports can make an outsized difference.

Sometimes moving a seat, changing lighting, adding movement, or offering headphones helps more than years of behaviour or regulation programs, not because those are bad, but because they require a regulated nervous system.

[Read the full article: Understanding sensory challenges]

5 Ways Sensory Challenges Might Show Up in Your Child

1. Big reactions to "normal" or "small" things.

Screaming "it's too loud!" when it’s not. Absolutely hating sunscreen. Outsized reactions to minor bumps or scrapes. Gagging on certain food textures. Total refusal to participate in activities that seem fine to everyone else.

2. Constant movement or crashing.

Jumping, hugging too hard, bumping into people, chewing things. Some kids slap their own skin to get input (this is different from self-harm). Movement and pressure can help kids feel where their bodies are.

3. Eating and clothing battles.

Very “picky” eating, gagging on textures, strong preferences for crunchy or spicy foods. Wearing only one outfit. A war on underwear or socks. 

4. Mysterious physical complaints.

Headaches, stomachaches, itching, motion sickness, seeming like a "hypochondriac." Internal sensations and pain processing can be part of sensory differences, or kids may not have other ways to describe what they’re experiencing.

5. Behaviour that escalates fast, is "weird," or seems out of nowhere.

0–60 reactions, irritability, spacing out, meltdowns after school. Behaviours that don't make sense to adults like smelling everything or making repetitive noises. 

[Read more: Understanding sensory challenges]

5 Things to Try Right Now

(you don’t have to do all 5!)

1. Help them regulate first.

When your child is overwhelmed, their nervous system is flooded. Your first priority is helping them get regulated, not teaching coping skills or addressing any imperfect communication or behaviour. 

2. Watch what they are doing for clues to what they need. 

If your child jumps on the bed every night, maybe they need more movement. If they’re hiding, maybe they need a sensory break. Behaviour is information. 

3. Offer sensory strategies before things fall apart

A “sensory diet” offers movement, pressure, or quiet input regularly throughout the day, especially before known hard moments. Make it routine, not something you pull out during meltdowns. Schedule a movement break before homework every day, a heavy work task before bedtime, or a quiet decompression period after school that happens whether they're struggling or not.

4. Use tools thoughtfully.

A few guidelines:

• Try one new thing at a time so you can see what actually helps

• Prioritize agency: ask your child what helps, let them explore how to use tools

• Give tools a chance: try them multiple times, in different contexts, over several days

• Tools are needs, not rewards or something to take away as a consequence

• Expect trial and error. Relief, comfort, and engagement mean it's helping. More agitation, shutdown, or escalation mean stop immediately and try something else. Check in with your child when they're calm.

5. Get support (if you can)

Occupational therapists are amazing and can help decode patterns and reduce distress. I know not everyone has access.

BONUS: Top 3 things to try

1. Reduce the input

Headphones, sunglasses. A workspace with less visual clutter or away from crowds. Regular breaks in quiet spaces with no demands. Dim the lights, turn down the music, let them escape the chaos.

2. Increase the input

Big, heavy movements: jumping, pushing against a wall, carrying heavy things. Swinging. Compression clothing, tight hugs, "burrito rolls" in blankets. Lots of big movement breaks throughout the day.

3. Once they're regulated: help them express the need

When kids understand what's happening in their bodies, sensations feel less threatening. They can solve the real problem (the noise or heat) instead of the explanation they make up ("I hate math"). Model descriptive language for physical sensations: "This sweater feels ROUGH on my skin." Teach a simple advocacy pattern: "I have a sensory thing. [X] is really hard for me. I need [break/headphones/movement]."

This is just the Quick Guide.

Want more?

Read Understanding sensory challenges or Real life sensory strategies.

Or, talk to me one-on-one.

Find another article.

How to choose a school

[looking for Transition to Kindergarten, or for info about the kinds of options school districts offer? Start here]

Sometimes it feels like there is a world of school options out there (and sometimes it seems there are none). Picking a school – kindergarten through university – is high stakes, and it can be hard to know where to start. Here are some ideas.

Before we dive in: this decision probably feels huge and terrifying. Maybe you're grieving the classroom you imagined your child would be in, the one where everything would just work without all this agonizing. Maybe you're wrestling with guilt about "giving up" on inclusion. Maybe you're exhausted from fighting and just want someone to tell you what to do.

There is no perfect choice. There's only the choice that works best for your child and your family, right now, and only for now. You're not locked in forever. So take a breath. You're going to figure this out.

Things to answer first

What does your child need?

What are the hard parts of school? Where do they need support? Schools can be amazing in general, but if they can’t accommodate your child’s specific needs, they aren’t right for you. If your child needs small classes, a 29-kid class will not work, no matter how “great” the school is.

Make a list of school skills that are hard for your child (sitting still, focusing on work, expressive and receptive communication, academic requirements, emotional regulation, self-care & hygiene, play skills…). Add what supports you’ve put in place at home or preschool, and you’ll have an idea where their “hard parts” are going to be and what they might need.

What are your priorities?

Some priorities come from your list above. Others come from your family’s values and goals. For me, class size was a priority, but so were diversity, understanding kids are trying as hard as they can, and excitement about learning. Sometimes your priorities clash with what your child needs (I insisted on Montessori preschool for my eldest, and it was great, but then her kindergarten teacher ran a military-tight teacher-directed ship, and my kid loved it). Be sure to ponder why something is a priority. Many parents say, e.g., “I want my child to be with typical kids.” Okay, what’s behind that? Is it so they have role models because they are a great imitator, or because *you* aren’t ready to have them in special education?

You might not realize what your real priorities are until you start looking around and your instinct says, “YES! That,” or “Oof. No.” That’s okay.

What does your child say?

This depends entirely on your child's age and self-awareness. A four-year-old can't meaningfully answer "what kind of classroom do you need?" But a nine-year-old might have real insights about what helps them focus or which teachers make them feel safe.

For younger kids, try: "What parts of your day are the easiest?" or "When do you feel happy at school?" Listen for clues about what's working. For older kids, you can be more direct: "What parts of your class really help you?" or "If you could change one thing about school, what would it be?"

Take their input with a grain of salt. Your child might be terrified of switching schools even from one that isn't working, or they might just want to be with that girl they're crushing on. But asking sends an important message: your struggles aren't your fault, you deserve support, and we're figuring this out together.

Don't let them make the decision entirely unless you've narrowed it to several options you can live with. You're the adult here. But their perspective matters, especially about what makes things harder or easier for them.

Put the answers to these first three questions in a list. Choose 3-4. You can’t have ten priorities. I’m sorry. You are going to have compromise, even at the best school.  

[a metaphor: this is like dating. People *say* they want a creative partner who loves hiking at sunset, or who is smart, athletic, and handsome, but in reality, they are drawn to someone who exudes competence and makes them laugh. You can’t wait for a gorgeous, hilarious, confident, creative genius who hikes mountains and isn’t allergic to your cat. You have to prioritize. Unless you’re my husband, who won the lottery. Obviously.]

Does the school get it?

Do they understand that behaviour is communication, and that kids are trying as hard as they can? Do they see “problem” behaviour as a sign kids are drowning and need some floaties? Do they have ideas for responding to challenges, or will they ask you for strategies daily? Teachers come and go, so you want school-wide understanding and competence.

Questions that reveal the truth

Schools always say the right things in brochures and on tours. Here are questions that bypass the buzzwords:

Instead of asking general things like "Do you support kids with ADHD?", ask specific scenarios:

• "What systems does the school have in place for children who need a break from the classroom?”

• “Tell me about a time a student had a meltdown. What did you do?”

• "What happens when a child can't sit still during circle time?"

• "How do you handle it when a child's behavior disrupts learning for other students?"

• "Can you give me an example of a behavioural accommodation you've made for a student who was struggling?"

• "What does your discipline policy look like in practice?" (Then compare their answer to the written policy)

Here's what empathetic and experienced answers sound like vs. what they don’t:

Green flags:

• "We had a student who was struggling with transitions, so we gave her a visual schedule and five-minute warnings. It took a few weeks to figure out what worked, but now she's doing great."

• "When kids are dysregulated, we focus on helping them calm down first. We deal with the behavior later, once they're back in their thinking brain."

• "We assume kids are doing their best. If they're not meeting expectations, something's getting in the way, and we try to figure out what."

Red flags:

• "We have very high behavioral expectations here. Kids need to be ready to follow directions."

• "We're very fair: same rules for everyone, no exceptions."

• "We had a child like that once. It was really hard on the other students." (Translation: we couldn't handle them, and we blamed the child.)

• Any answer that focuses on what the child needs to do differently rather than what the school can do to support them.

What to look for (if you get access)

Many districts don't allow classroom visits before enrollment, or only offer quick principal-led building tours. Some let you observe for thirty minutes. Some won't let you through the door. Here's how to use whatever access you get:

If you get no visit at all: Focus on the questions above. Ask to talk to current parents; schools often provide contact info, or you can introduce yourself at pickup. Ask to see the written discipline policy and IEP accommodation procedures. Request a phone call with the actual teacher.

If you get a brief building tour: You're mostly seeing hallways and closed doors, but you can still notice things. Is student work displayed? Does it show a range of abilities, or only the "best" work? When you pass classrooms, what's the energy like: controlled chaos that feels purposeful, or rigid silence, or actual chaos? How does the principal talk about the students: with warmth and respect, or with frustration?

If you get time in a classroom: Watch how adults respond when kids struggle. Is there patience or frustration? Do they get down to the child's level or bark from across the room? When a child makes a mistake, are they supported or shamed? Are kids working on different things (which might mean good differentiation) or is everyone doing exactly the same work in exactly the same way? Do kids who need to move get to move, or are they constantly being corrected for not sitting still?

Trust what you see, not just what you're told. A classroom can look chaotic but actually be working beautifully: kids are engaged, moving purposefully, learning. Or it can look calm but be completely rigid and punitive. Your gut will know the difference.

Trust yourself

What’s your gut instinct?

Sometimes the vibe of the place just feels good. Or wrong. Sometimes the principal says the right things, but you don’t buy it (I failed to trust my gut on this one once. We were looking for new schools by October). Your gut is wise. Trust it.

A caveat: your gut is wise about whether people genuinely care and are competent. Your gut is excellent at detecting when someone's going through the motions versus when they actually get it. But your gut might be lying to you if it's screaming "run away from the special education classroom" because special ed feels scary or shameful to you. Check in with yourself: is this instinct about what's best for my child, or is it about my own fear or grief or what I think other people will judge?

What makes sense for your life?

You have other children, a job, financial considerations, a community. You do not have to bend yourself into miserable pretzels for even the greatest school. You do not have to go into debt for private school, or drag your infant 45 minutes one-way in the car for drop off. You have to consider your whole family system: any stress on that system is going to affect your child. I give you permission to choose the family.

Remember, there is not one “right” answer, only choices that work for now, for your child, and for your family. So don’t get overwhelmed with guilt if you have to say no to something that might’ve worked.

Things to avoid

Don’t let your child’s fear of change or your own fear of the transition scare you off somewhere potentially wonderful. Yes, your child may protest. They may be terrified of the unknown or they may love their teacher and not want to leave them. Yes, the first 30 days at the new school might stink. And also: if this setting is better, if your child gets what they need, they will adapt, and so will you. Thirty days is not much in the context of several years of a better education. 

Don’t try to predict the future. “If I send her to my local school, then in four years when my youngest is ready for kindergarten, they can go to school together.” “If he does grade 2 at this alternative school, he won’t have friends at my local middle school.” You can’t choose a school thinking of the distant future. Look ahead 1-3 years, and trust you’ll sort out the future when you can see what it demands.

Don’t hide your kids’ needs. I know you're scared. You're worried that if they know the truth about how hard things are, they'll say your child can't come, or they'll judge you, or they'll write your kid off before they even start. That fear is real and valid. And also:

It’s unfair to both your child and the school to hide your child’s struggles. You can’t possibly assess how a school will support your child if you conceal information. Teachers can’t possibly set your child up for success if they’re in the dark about her needs. I know: it’s embarrassing, and you worry if the school knows the truth, they’ll say you can’t come. Isn’t it better to know that’s how they feel before you uproot your child for a school that can’t work with them?

Don’t panic. This is a lot to think about, and it feels like your child’s whole life hinges on the decision. Remember: you are choosing a school, not signing a lifelong marriage contract. If it doesn’t work, you can try again, this time with more data. Your child can likely handle a little trial and error. Your child and your family are likely more resilient than you think. After all, they have you on their side.

You're doing the hard work right now. You're researching, asking questions, trying to make the best choice you can with imperfect information and limited options. That matters. Your child is lucky to have someone fighting this hard to get it right. Even if your first choice doesn't work perfectly, you'll figure it out and try again. You've got this.

How can we help?

Come to a Huddle and talk about it with other parents in the same boat.

Talk to me 1:1 about your options, decisions, and how to handle the transition.

Read about school options, or find another article.

Communication Quick Guide: 5 things to know, look for, and try

[Register for our free webinar on Communication Challenges.]

5 Things to Understand About Communication Challenges

1. Communication is way more complicated than talking. Your child has to hear you, filter out distractions, understand what you mean (including all the subtext), figure out how to respond, find the right words, and make their mouth cooperate. Things can break down at any step. It's exhausting.

2. "Use your words" can be torture. When communication systems are overwhelmed, whether from stress, sensory overload, or just plain exhaustion, words literally aren't available. Demanding speech in those moments is like asking someone having a panic attack to calm down and explain themselves. It makes everything worse.

3. This isn't about intelligence. Many bright kids struggle with communication. The gap between what they understand and what they can express is deeply frustrating for them. Other kids know exactly what they want to say and can’t retrieve the words or make their mouths do it. Things like ADHD, autism, anxiety, past history of getting it wrong, motor planning challenges all can make it harder and have nothing to do with intelligence.

4. The "bad behaviour" IS communication. The hitting, yelling, or shutting down are all your child trying to tell you something when other ways aren't working. When we only address the behaviour without supporting the communication struggle underneath, we're punishing them for something they can’t improve alone and missing our chance to help with the real issues.

5. Some differences don't need "fixing." Not being able to retrieve words needs support. But preferring direct communication over small talk or enjoying playing side by side silently or sharing special interest monologues? Those are differences, not deficits. Part of helping your child is figuring out what needs support and what needs acceptance.

[Read the full article: Understanding Communication]

5 Ways Communication Struggles Might Show Up

1. Articulate one moment, nonverbal the next. They chat about favourite topics, use impressive vocabulary, recite entire movies. Then frustration hits and words vanish. They might yell, shut down completely, or lash out physically. People miss the communication struggle because they talk so well sometimes.

2. Only talks in certain contexts. Chatty at home, silent at school. Talks to some people, freezes with others. This isn't shyness or defiance; their ability to speak literally shuts down in certain situations. They want to talk. They can't.

3. Talks constantly but can't really communicate. They know thousands of words and share detailed facts about dinosaurs. But open-ended questions, explaining their reasoning, social back-and-forth, and working in groups are really hard. They might interrupt constantly, monologue, or seem to talk AT people rather than with them.

4. "Fine" at school, falls apart at home. Teachers report no problems. Then your kid gets home and melts down over tiny things. Communicating all day at school takes enormous effort. By home time, they're completely depleted.

5. Seems like they're "not listening." You give a direction. They're right there, clearly heard you, but they don't do it. Hearing isn't the same as processing. Their brain might still be working on understanding what you said or how to respond while you're frustrated they haven't done it yet. Or they're so exhausted they literally can't handle one more demand.

[Other signs: repeating phrases from shows or other people, coming across as blunt or rude, knowing exactly what they want to say but the word is stuck just out of reach. Read more at: Understanding Communication]

5-6 Things to Try Right Now

First, get their hearing checked. Even if tests are “normal,” are they straining to hear or process auditory input? This is a huge piece for some kids.

1. Stop demanding speech when it's not available. Give them other ways to communicate: visual cards to point to, yes/no questions they can nod to, writing or texting for tough conversations, simple signs for immediate needs. This alternative communication (sometimes called AAC) doesn't prevent speech; it supports it. When you remove the pressure to talk, kids often use speech MORE.

2. Give them TIME. Count to 10 slooooooowly in your head. Actually slowly. Don't repeat, rephrase, or fill the silence with more words for them to process. Just wait expectantly and patiently, like you know they're working on it. Processing takes time, and your silence gives them space to do it. This works for everyone, not just kids with diagnosed communication challenges (try it in a meeting some time).

3. Reduce what they have to process.

• Use fewer words, fewer options, fewer steps at once

• Make sure their attention is on you before you speak (no giving directions from the kitchen or while they’re Minecrafting)

• Don't add more information while they're still processing the first thing

• Give information in multiple ways at the same time: say it AND show a picture or demonstrate the motion. Or write it down, for older kids.

• Block out noise and chaos for important conversations (headphones are great, and they can usually still hear your voice)

4. Give them scripts for tricky situations: "I need help," "I need a break," "I'm so sorry, are you okay." Practice when they're calm using silly voices or stuffed animals. Then make sure the grown-ups around them know what they mean.

5. During meltdown: reduce ALL demands immediately. Stop asking questions, stop giving directions, stop trying to fix it. Their system is flooded, and more input makes it worse. Offer alternative ways to communicate (point to pictures, nod yes/no, thumbs up/down). Use minimal words: "I'm here.” “You're safe.” “Take your time." Give space if they need it. Circle back later when they've recovered.

You do not need to do this alone. A speech-language pathologist can help you figure out more specifically what’s making things hard and how to help.

[Read more strategies at: Communication: Real life strategies for your real life child]

This is just the Quick Guide

Every child's communication challenges look different. Pick one or two things from this list that feel most urgent or doable right now. Small changes make a real difference.

The most important thing is that your child knows you understand they're trying their hardest, and you're there to help them be heard.

Want more? Read Understanding Communication or Communication: Real life strategies for your real life child.

Or, sign up for a consultation with me. It’s free, confidential and online.

Find another article.

Communication: Real life strategies for your real life child

Now that you understand what might be happening – which steps are breaking down and what might be making it hard (see Part 1: Understanding Communication), here are some practical strategies that reduce pressure, support the steps that are difficult, and give your child other ways to be heard.

Start Here:

• For how to help a child in crisis or meltdown: Jump to “Crisis Response”

• If you need one thing to change today: Make it "Take away the pressure to talk" (see below)

• If you're ready to build support: Read on for “Immediate Strategies”

• Questions? Join our webinar on Communication Challenges.

Immediate Strategies

First, get their hearing checked. Even if tests are “normal,” are they straining to hear or process auditory input? This is a big piece for some kids. Then try a few of these:

1. Take away the pressure to talk

The single biggest thing you can do is stop trying to force speech when it's not available.

"Use your words" is torture when words aren't working. Imagine you're in the middle of a panic attack or crying so hard you can't catch your breath, and someone tells you to "calm down and use your words” (insert frustrated growl here). That's what it feels like for a child whose communication system is overwhelmed. The pressure to speak makes it harder, not easier.

Even for kids who are usually articulate, saying "spit it out" or "just tell me" adds pressure. Try “Take your time, I’m here” instead.

Give them other ways to communicate. This is where AAC (Augmentative and Alternative Communication) comes in.

What you need to know:

1. AAC is not just fancy iPads. It’s offering children additional ways to communicate for when talking is too much, and it takes many different forms.

2. AAC doesn't prevent speech, and it doesn’t mean your child will never talk. Studies show that when you give kids alternative ways to communicate and remove the pressure to speak, they're MORE likely to use speech when they can, not less.

3. AAC isn't just for kids who can't speak at all. It's for anyone who struggles with verbal communication in any context: the kid who loses speech when stressed, the kid whose mouth won't cooperate even though their brain knows what to say.

4. Some kids initially resist pictures or other AAC because it feels “babyish” or different. Offer choices, and let them see it works.

Options include:

• Visual communication cards - pictures or words they can point to for common needs ("break," "help," "bathroom," feelings, common frustrations like “someone took my toy”)

• Pointing to choices - give photo or icon options so they can point or exchange a picture for what they need. Start with just 2-3.

• Writing or texting - for tough conversations with older kids, sometimes it’s easier to be able to process the information or emotions, think about what to say, then draft and revise a text.

• Simple sign language - a few key signs for immediate needs (this is nice even if a child can talk, so they can communicate “I need a break” for example without interrupting the conversation)

• AAC apps or devices - don't overwhelm yourself with options; your Speech-Language Pathologist can help figure out what fits

2. Give Them TIME

Wait time might be the single most helpful tool you can try.

Say what you need to. Then count to 10 slowly in your head. Actually slowly. "One... two... three..." Don't repeat the question. Don't rephrase. Don't fill the silence. Just wait expectantly, like you know they're working on it and you have all the time in the world.

Yes, there might be people in line behind you at the ice cream shop. They'll be fine. Your child's ability to process and communicate is more important than strangers' convenience.

Separate the steps. Give them the information, then WAIT, then ask the question. "We're going to Grandma's house this afternoon." [Pause] "Do you want to bring your trucks or your art supplies?"

Or give advance notice: "At snack time, I hope to hear about your birthday ideas." This lets them start organizing their thoughts before they need to answer.

This is a great IEP accommodation: the teacher can tell your child privately what question they'll be asked during circle time, so they can be ready when it's their turn.

Slow down your own speech. Pause before you speak. Pause after. Take a breath between sentences. You're modeling the rhythm you want them to have, and you're also giving them more processing time.

Make sure you're actually listening when they ARE ready to talk. Stop what you're doing. Make eye contact. Give them your full attention. Ask, "Anything else you need to say?" and then WAIT.

Don't let siblings answer for them. Don't finish their sentences. Don't rush them along.

Some kids need to talk things out to process before they can give you their real answer. Let them ramble, repeat, work through it aloud, then agree on an answer.

Written notes give everyone processing time, and remove the pressure of immediate response.. Try text, email, a shared journal, bathroom mirror post-it notes.

3. Reduce What They Have to Process

Remember all those steps from Part 1? Make each one easier.

Make sure their attention is on you. Don’t call out from the kitchen, talk while they’re Minecrafting, or drop directions into the middle of other stories. Stop, get down to their level. Don’t force eye contact, but wait until you know they’re with you. If you have to interrupt something fun, say, “I need 30 seconds, and then you can go back to the game.”

Use fewer words, fewer options, fewer steps. Instead of "Can you go upstairs, brush your teeth, put on your pajamas, and get into bed?" try one thing at a time. Or hang up a visual list of the routine for them to check one thing at a time, no speech needed.

Instead of "What do you want for dinner?" with infinite options, try "Pasta or chicken?" Point to two actual choices if that helps.

Use simple, concrete language. "The bus comes soon" is clearer than "We need to hustle or we'll miss our ride."

Block out the noise and chaos. The world is loud and visually overwhelming. Headphones can help filter sensory input; even if your child doesn't seem bothered by noise, they might make it easier to process what you're saying. Find quiet spaces for important conversations. Dim the lights if you can. Have one person talk to them at a time instead of multiple adults giving directions. This is especially important if they’re getting overwhelmed.

Don't add information or rephrase while they're processing. This is huge. Adults ask, "What do you want for lunch?" When they haven't answered in two seconds, we add: "We have sandwich stuff, or there's leftover pizza, or I could make mac and cheese, what sounds good?" Now they have to process all that new information and they've lost track of where they were in answering the first question.

If you need to prompt, AFTER waiting those 10 seconds, simply repeat the original question. "What do you want for lunch?" Better yet, start with only two choices: “It’s lunchtime. Pizza or sandwiches?”

Give them information in multiple ways. Speech disappears the moment it's spoken. Add a visual, something written, a gesture, a model of what you want. For directions, show them the list so they can check back. For schedules, use a visual schedule with pictures. For choices, point to the actual items. You're not doing this because they're not smart enough to understand words. You're doing it because multiple inputs make it easier for everyone’s brain to process and hold on to information.

4. Model the Language They Need

Kids learn communication by watching and practicing, so make sure you are modelling.

Give them scripts for tricky situations. Work together to come up with specific phrases they can memorize for common challenges. Practice: "I need help," “I need a break,” and “I’m so sorry, are you okay?” so they can access them automatically when needed. 

Practice these when they're calm, not in the moment. Make it silly if that helps. Use stuffed animals. Role-play.

Then make sure the adults around them know what to listen for.

Think aloud your own processes. Let them hear how you process and label your own emotions:

• "Hmm. So many flavors. I want something fruity, so that's strawberry or peach... I think peach. Peach, please."

• "Okay, we need to bring the backpacks, keys, and snacks. Backpacks, keys, snacks. Backpack, keys, snacks. Got it."

• "I am so frustrated right now! I need a minute before I answer."

Practice conversation skills in low-pressure contexts. Games with clear rules reduce uncertainty and make communication less fraught. Turn-taking games teach the rhythm of back-and-forth without high stakes. Table top role-playing games give them scripts and structure to practice social interaction. Dinner is a great time to practice with "Everyone share your favorite..." or other structured conversation. We played a lot of “Two Truths and a Lie” about our day, which has listening, remembering, organizing what you want to say, and reading nonverbal cues.

Crisis Response: During Communication Breakdown or Meltdown

When your child is completely overwhelmed and communication has broken down entirely, here's what to try:

Reduce ALL demands immediately. Stop asking questions. Stop giving directions. Stop trying to fix it or figure it out. Their system is flooded: more input just makes it worse.

Offer alternative communication. Hold up a communication card so they can point. Ask yes/no questions they can nod or shake their head to. You're looking for any way they can tell you what they need without requiring speech. I kept laminated pictures of break/regulation strategies on a carabiner in my classroom. When a child was struggling, I'd show them three choices and let them point.

Stay calm yourself. Breathe. Ignore the bystanders you’re worried are judging. Use minimal words: "I'm here." "You're safe." "Take your time." That's it.

Give them space if they need it. Some kids need to be left alone to regulate. Some need your presence but not your words. Pay attention to what your child needs. Get school to understand and pay attention too (sometimes when a kid is escalated, schools call in EVERYONE, and it backfires wildly).

Circle back later. When they've regulated (much later, maybe the next day) you can revisit: "Earlier you seemed really frustrated. Want to tell me about it?" No pressure if they still can't or don't want to. You're showing them you care and you're available when they're ready.

What NOT to Do

Skip the "Sneaky English Lessons"

When your child is struggling, the goal is communication, not perfection. Do not:

Constantly correct their grammar or pronunciation. Every correction is a message that they're doing it wrong, that communication is a test, that you're focused on form over content. Save the grammar lessons for calm teaching moments, not real communication.

Turn every interaction into a teaching or practice opportunity. Sometimes your child just needs to tell you something or ask for something. Let them communicate without it becoming a lesson about how to do it better. Sometimes they just want to build Lego quietly with you without having to answer questions or name colors. Sometimes they just want to share their excitement about a special interest with grandma, and they just need grandma to listen without you jumping in because you’re worried they’re “monologuing.”

Require "proper" language when they're struggling. If your child is upset and says "I no want it," you understood them. Don't withhold help until they say it "correctly." If they’ve been melting down daily, but today they yell “I NEED A BREAK!” that’s awesome. Meet them where they are.

Don’t assume they can’t understand because they don’t speak.

I have met many, many kids, even young preschoolers, who were non-speaking, but who understood everything that was said to or around them, even when they didn’t respond. Please don’t assume that because a child isn’t responding or doing what you’ve asked that they aren’t understanding all the adults talking around and especially about them. It doesn’t help anyone’s communication to have to listen to Aunt Judith complain about them. Remember this also at the doctor or therapist’s office: it’s okay to ask to discuss your child’s struggles without them having to sit through it.

Getting the Right Support

Sometimes you need professional help. 

Speech-Language Pathologists (SLPs) work on receptive language (understanding), expressive language (formulating and expressing thoughts), pragmatic/social communication, word retrieval, articulation, and more. If your child is struggling with communication, an evaluation can help identify exactly where things are breaking down. Ask for an SLP who has experience with your child's specific challenges (autism, ADHD, apraxia, whatever's relevant).

You can request evaluations through your school district even if your child doesn't have a formal diagnosis. This is free, and it's your right under most special education law.

Social skills programs: know what to look for. Red flags: ABA-style or behaviour-centered approaches that focus on compliance or "acting normal" rather than teaching skills. Green flags: programs that teach genuine communication strategies, respect neurodivergent communication styles, and address what YOUR child actually struggles with (meaning at your child’s real level of communication, not just generic "social skills"). Ask what their approach is, what they're actually teaching, and how they measure success.

School accommodations that can help. Put specific accommodations in an IEP or 504 plan so they're official:

• Wait time

• Visual schedules and routines

• Group directions repeated to your child individually

• Extra processing time for questions and assignments

• Advance notice for questions they'll be asked (no cold-calling)

• Alternative ways to demonstrate knowledge (written instead of verbal presentations, typed instead of handwritten, verbal answers “scribed” by an adult)

• Reduced language load for instructions (shorter, fewer steps, simpler language, offer visual supports)

• Access to AAC or communication supports, especially when they’re upset (write those regulation cards or “need a break” signs into the plan)

• Quiet space for communication-heavy tasks

• Frequent breaks during language-heavy activities

Remember

You don't have to do everything at once! Start with one or two strategies that feel most relevant to what your child struggles with. Small changes can make a real difference, and the most important thing is that your child knows that you know they are trying, and you’re there to help.

Want more background? Go back to Part 1: Understanding Communication.

Want ideas and advice geared towards your individual child? We offer free, one-on-one consultation. Find out more.

Find another article.

Understanding Communication

[For real life strategies, see Communication: Real life strategies for your real life child]

[Want to talk about it? Join our Communication Challenges webinar.]

Communication is astonishingly complicated. There are many steps, and things can get gummed up anywhere along the way. When kids can’t communicate, they find other ways to express themselves, not always calmly; when adults focus on that “behaviour,” we miss our chance to figure out what’s really going on and actually help.

The process: What has to happen for communication to work

[Want to skip the detailed breakdown and go straight to what this looks like in real life? Jump to “What to look for” below.]

Picture this: You're at an ice cream shop. The person behind the counter asks your child, "What flavor would you like?"

Here's everything that has to happen (note there are many ways to split this up, so your Speech Language Pathologist might do it differently):

Step 1: GET the information (Input, Receptive language)

First, your child has to take in the question.

Hear the actual sounds. Hear those specific sounds well enough that they can piece together what the words are and distinguish them from one other. Hearing issues can hamper this, obviously, and a hearing check is a great place to start tackling communication problem-solving. Mention that you’re interested in testing acuity and processing.

Filter out everything else and direct their attention. Music plays, a TV flashes headlines, lights buzz. You're reminding them they don’t like coconut, their brother is poking them. Your child's brain has to filter out what's irrelevant and focus on what matters.

Sensory processing issues make everything louder, brighter, and harder to filter out. Attentional focus is challenged by ADHD, anxiety, and stress. Some kids’ systems might be so flooded they can’t take in any new information.

And they haven't even started figuring out what the words mean yet.

Step 2: UNDERSTAND It (Comprehension, receptive)

Now your child has to make sense of what they heard:

Know what each word means and what they mean when put together in that order. Grammar and syntax matter. "What ice cream would you like?" is different from "What? Would you like ice cream?" 

Understand the context. The ice cream worker means “what flavor do you choose from amongst the flavors we actually have here right now?”  They aren’t asking for your child’s favorite flavor, even if that’s what your child would really like. 

Read (and filter) the subtext. The ice cream worker is smiling at them with a question face so they know it's their turn. Your “Remember you don't like coconut” is actually a warning: pick it and hate it like last time, you're not getting a different cone. Tones, facial expressions, and unspoken rules happen alongside the actual words.

For kids with receptive language disorders, the words themselves might not make sense, or they might take extra time to process. For kids learning English as a second language, they're translating while also processing. For kids with cognitive challenges, holding all this information and making sense of it is harder. 

Processing challenges mean this takes time. But there's a line waiting impatiently, a brother poking and saying 'COME ON!' Then you're prompting, “Honey, strawberry? You like strawberry,” which is kind but also more language to process while holding onto the original question.

And they still have to answer that question.

Step 3: FORMULATE a Response (Expressive language)

Now your child has to figure out how to respond.

Make a decision. They have to scan all the flavors, hold the possibilities in their head, and pick one. Their trusted favorite isn't there, but they have to let that go, even if certain textures make them gag and that's the only flavor they know won't trigger it. For kids with ADHD or executive function challenges, decisions are genuinely hard. Chocolate or vanilla? Strawberry looks good. Wait, mint chip? Now they've forgotten what they were deciding. How can they trust themselves? They've been yelled at for “bad choices.” Last time they hated the coconut. Anxiety makes this feel like life or death.

Find the right words. Once they know they want strawberry, they have to retrieve that word. For some kids, word retrieval is genuinely hard. They know what they mean and can picture it, but the word is stuck just out of reach. It exists in their brain but won't come.

Compose the sentence. Is this a time to say: "I would like strawberry, please," or is "That one" okay? They have to decide how to communicate in a way that's socially appropriate for this context. And remember "please" and "thank you." Unless they’re at recess and it’s “weird” to be too polite. Again, for kids with autism or for whom social context is murky, or for kids who have gotten it wrong repeatedly, figuring out what to say might be as hard as choosing a flavor.

Step 4: EXECUTE It (Output, expressive)

Finally, it’s time to do the thing. Kids have to:

Make their mouth make the sounds. Coordinate their tongue, lips, breath, and vocal cords to produce "Strawberry, please" clearly enough to be understood. 

This isn't automatic for everyone. Kids with apraxia know what to say but can't coordinate the movements. Other kids struggle with articulation. Kids who stutter face neurological challenges compounded by anxiety. None of this relates to intelligence, but people often assume cognitive impairment or defiance when the struggle is physical.

Getting the volume and tone right. Loud enough to be heard over the music but not so loud they're yelling. In a friendly tone, not a demanding one. Autistic kids in particular can struggle with tone and volume; shy kids may be afraid to speak up.

Making their body participate. Putting on the right face. Pointing accurately. Taking a napkin, grabbing the cone with the right tension, holding it steady while licking. Coordinating movements without knocking anything over or moving in ways that look “weird.” Gross and fine motor weakness, motor planning challenges, or spasticity can make following directions so hard. 

That's just one interaction! Now imagine doing this all day long—in conversations, at lunch, during recess, while also trying to learn math and manage their body and emotions. It's exhausting.

And, struggling to communicate creates anxiety about communicating, and anxiety makes everything harder next time. It’s a vicious cycle. 

How communication struggles might show up in your child

When a child stutters or has a speech delay, it’s easier to recognize that some of the sneakier ways communications challenges can show up.

You do not need to read ALL of these! Skim for ones that sound like your child.

A note: Some of this we need to “fix” or teach better ways of doing. Some of it is simply neurodiversity. Not being able to retrieve the words you want is a disability, but preferring to hang out with other people who are happy to play quietly without small talk until one of them gives you the gift of info-dumping about something they love is a difference.

The kid who's articulate until they're not. They can chat about their favorite topics, recite entire movies, use vocabulary that impresses adults. Then something goes wrong. They get frustrated, overwhelmed, or anxious. and suddenly careful words are just gone. They might resort to yelling, insults, repeated phrases, or they might lash out physically or freak out entirely. Or not speak at all. It's not that they're choosing aggression or deciding to “go mute.” The words literally aren't available anymore. But people miss that they have communication struggles because they talk so well sometimes.

The kid who only talks in certain contexts. At home they're chatty, but at school they're silent. Or they talk to some people but freeze with others. This isn't shyness or defiance; their ability to speak literally shuts down. They want to talk. They can't. This is often anxiety-based (called selective mutism), but people treat it as a talking or behavioural problem.

The kid who talks a ton but can't communicate. They know thousands of words and can tell you detailed dinosaur facts or video game rules. But open-ended questions, organizing their thoughts, explaining their reasoning, social back-and-forth, large groups: all really hard 

The kid who repeats. Phrases from shows, from you, from other kids. Ready-made words are easier than creating their own. Sometimes these mean something real (they borrow a teacher’s “You're okay!” to say “I'm upset”), but it doesn't always land right.

The kid who's "fine" at school but falls apart at home. Teachers report no problems. Then kids get home and fall apart over tiny things. This isn't about feeling “safe enough to be awful with you.” Communicating at school all day takes enormous effort, and by the time they're home, they’re depleted.

The kid who’s "not listening." You give a direction; they don't follow it. They're standing right there, they clearly heard you, and yet nothing. But hearing isn't the same as processing, and what looks like ignoring might be their brain still working on step one while you're frustrated they haven't done step four. OR, they’re exhausted and you’re asking them to do something they can’t handle right now. Or they rarely actually understand, but they mask it with affection and politeness, and they can’t in this instance.

The kid who seems like “a jerk.” They interrupt constantly, talk at you instead of with you, skip all the small talk pleasantries, say blunt things that sound rude. Their tone comes across as aggressive even when they're just excited. They might sound like a “little professor” or “brag” about their skills. Some of this is just neurodivergent communication patterns misunderstood. Some of it is protective: when you've spent years getting social interactions wrong and being punished for it, sometimes it feels safer to just be the blunt, “tell it like it is” kid than to keep trying and failing at invisible rules.

Most important things to know:

1. Difference doesn’t always mean deficit. Not all communication differences need "fixing." Part of helping your child is figuring out what needs support and what just needs acceptance and people who get them.

2. This is not about intelligence or defiance or bad parenting. Many bright kids struggle with communication. The gap between what they understand and what they can express is deeply frustrating. Your child isn't choosing to shut down. You didn't cause this. Communication challenges are real, hard, and not anyone's fault.

3. “Behavior” is often communication attempts. The hitting, the yelling, the shutting down: your child is trying to be heard when words fail. When we punish the behavior without addressing the communication breakdown underneath, we're punishing them for struggling with something genuinely difficult.

4. There are many ways to help. Now that you know what's happening, you can start to help. Not by forcing communication or demanding they "use their words," but by supporting the steps that are hard and giving them other ways to be heard.

That's what we'll talk about next: Communication strategies for your real life child.

Want help figuring it out? We offer free, online, one-on-one support.

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“It’s the parents, right?”

I’m lucky with my teeth. I floss, use fluoride rinse, don’t chew ice – all the right things, and my teeth are in good shape. It’s luck, though: I have family members who do all the same things and need root canals and extractions. My dentist agrees: it’s important to do all the things, but it doesn’t guarantee your teeth will be fine.

Last week, she asked what I do, and I explained. She went back to work: 10 fingers, 2 sharp things, and a hose in my mouth. Then she said, “Really, though, most of the time, those kids with behaviours, it’s the parents, right?”

I did not bite her, because I am a grown adult with self-regulation skills and because of the aforementioned sharp tools.

And also because to me her response shows fear. 

Blaming parents is what people do when they don’t understand and they’re scared. They NEED it to be true that their kids are compliant or regulated due to stellar parenting, because it gives them the sense that they can control things, and a sense of control curbs anxiety. 

My dentist believes she does all the right things. She cited screen time rules, family dinners, etc. Unlike what she told me about teeth, she believes doing right things will guarantee her kids are not “those kids with behaviours.” She’s got the idea that if she’s a “good” parent and when kids struggle it’s “mostly the parents,” then she can release her anxiety about her kids’ futures. She’s parenting them well, so they’ll turn out okay, and not be or get into trouble. She compares her kids to other kids (which she did next, citing her nephew as “trouble”), and when her kids seem to be doing better, it reassures her she’s doing well.

Do you see the circular logic? If parents do the right things, kids will be okay, and if kids are okay, it means parents must be doing the right things. What's the name of that kind of fallacy? I don't know. I'm calling it the Parental Flossing Fallacy.*

I’m not saying parenting doesn’t matter. But the dental analogy holds: some kids are going to struggle mightily in a world that is not built for them, even if you parentally floss and brush daily. We cannot control our kids, the world, or what happens to them in it. Every single person is going to struggle at some point, in possibly unpredictable ways, and there is NOTHING parents can do to make that never happen.

It’s terrifying. Lack of control is terrifying. We put our whole hearts into these kids, so all we want is to MAKE everything be okay, for them to be okay, so that we can feel okay instead of terrified. We all look for ways to feel like we have control.

But our kids don't need us to control them or the world. They certainly don't need us to spend energy trying, or blaming ourselves or judging other people because of their kids' struggles.

They need us to listen when they communicate, even if that communication involves "behaviours." To figure out what's making things hard, and what might help. To help THEM understand their own systems as much as possible, and how to effectively get help even when we are not there. To make sure they know they are amazing and lovable and deserving of support and help, not DESPITE their differences but along with them, or even partly because of them, and that any time the world tells them differently, the world is incorrect. To let them know they are not alone.

They need us to reply with education when people make comments. I told my dentist:

“Actually, most of the time, when kids have the “behaviours” you’re thinking of, it’s because they are overwhelmed by the world or the task, or they have unmet needs. They’re asking for help, even if it seems like they’re being a pain. So I don’t blame parents, really, because everyone’s child can struggle, no matter how “good” a parent they are.”

I was with an amazing young adult this week who was definitely "that kid" in many settings. Now they live independently, have a job, make friends, all the dreams. We talked about an acquaintance who always seemed to be doing "fine" but who was finding adulting overwhelming. "I think I'm lucky," this young adult said. "I was so out of control as a kid, the adults HAD to notice and get me help. So I figured myself out when I was still young, like what was hard for me and how to manage myself. I know lots of people my age who never had to figure that out and now they're having their hard time, and they don't know what to do."

I almost cried. Everyone is going to struggle at some point, even my perfect-mom dentist's kid. Don't spend your energy trying to avoid it. Spend it listening for when it starts and finding things that help. Spend it ensuring your child understands their hard things and what to to do about them, and believes they deserve love, success, and support.

You’re starting just by being here. And your kids are super lucky to have you, even if you never floss.

* Commenters tell me this is “the just-world fallacy crossed with outcome bias.” I like my name better.

Want help figuring out what might be making it hard ? Schedule a free private consult with me. Or come to an event.

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ADHD Quick Guide: 5 things to know, look for, and try

5 Things to Understand About ADHD

1. It's about executive function, not just hyperactivity, and it’s definitely not about bad behaviour. ADHD affects how the brain manages, organizes, and executes tasks. Your child isn't lazy or defiant; their brain works differently.

2. It makes it hard to control your focus. Kids with ADHD can hyperfocus for hours on passion projects but struggle to focus on basically anything that isn’t novel, competitive, due soon, or super interesting to them. It's not that they won't, they can't.

3. It's a difference not a deficiency. The same traits that make life harder (hyperfocus, intense emotions, nonlinear thinking) also bring genuine strengths: creativity, empathy, crisis response, passionate dedication. We are not looking to “fix” kids with ADHD. We are looking to support them, so their amazingness can shine through.

4. It's rarely just ADHD. 60-80% of kids with ADHD have something else too: anxiety, learning differences, sleep problems, sensory challenges. The issues are tangled together.

5. Doing nothing has consequences. Unsupported ADHD increases risk of depression, anxiety, and history of failure. But with the right support, kids with ADHD thrive. Your child needs help now, not a wait-and-see approach.

[Read the full article: Understanding ADHD]

5 Ways ADHD Might Show Up in Your Child

1. Attention that can’t cooperate. They walk right past what they need, seem not to hear you, spend four hours on Lego but can't finish ten minutes of homework. They're "spacy” or “in their own head.” When they hyperfocus on something they love, trying to interrupt them is nearly impossible.

2. Bodies that can’t be still. Constant movement, tapping, bouncing, fidgeting. Sitting still feels itchy inside. Sometimes the movement actually helps them focus. Kids can have ADHD without this piece though! Many have inattentive type or ADD (girls especially are often diagnosed late if they don't show obvious hyperactivity).

3. No pause button. Their hand shoots out before they decide to hit. They blurt things, grab toys, spend money impulsively. There's no gap between impulse and action. Then they get punished for something they didn’t even really decide to do.

4. Can't make a plan. Can’t get started. They stare at the blank page, knowing what to do but unable to begin. Big projects feel like overwhelming impossibilities with no clear process or first step.

5. Explosive emotions. Small frustrations trigger huge reactions. Criticism feels catastrophic. Rejection (real or imagined) is unbearable. In that moment, the feeling feels permanent. And impulsivity means they sometimes lash out or blurt it out before they can help it.

[Other common challenges: forgetting everything, no sense of time, interrupting constantly, melting down at transitions. Read more at: Understanding ADHD].

5 Things to Try Right Now

1. Talk to your doctor about medication. It doesn't work for everyone, but for many kids it's life-changing. Don't skip it based on rumors and anecdotes; do real research. There are lots of options and they work differently for different kids; track it carefully, adjust as needed.

2. Reduce the load. Lower the bar somewhere. Prioritize what actually matters, simplify routines, give extra time, offer fewer choices. Do some things FOR them right now. Drop some battles entirely.

3. Modify the environment or the task, not the child.

   • Store information outside their brain: visual timers, posted routines, checklists, planners, voice memos, mind maps.

   • Set up spaces that support focus: fewer visual distractions, low-traffic locations, quiet or music depending on what works for them.

   • Lend them your executive function by helping them plan, break down tasks, and build systems to support their brains.

4. Get them moving. Try:

   • 20-30 minutes a day of exercise helps ADHD symptoms significantly.

   • short bursts of big movements to reset focus: jumping jacks between math problems, trampoline before bedtime

   • the chance to move while they focus, if they need it: read while walking, wiggle seats at the table, let the jiggling leg do its thing.
     

5. Be their soft landing. They're getting corrected constantly; let them have you as a cushion as much as possible. Join in their favorite activities without trying to teach anything. Catch them doing great and congratulate them. Tell them you know they're trying their hardest and make sure they know: when things go south, it's because they need more support not because they're failing.

[Read more about strategies]

This is just the Quick Guide

Every child's ADHD looks different. Pick one or two things from this list that feel most urgent or most doable. Small changes add up.

Want more?

Read Understanding your child’s ADHD or ADHD: Real life strategies for your real life child.

Or, find a time to talk to me 1:1.

Understanding your child’s ADHD

[🔗 TL;DR? Read our ADHD Quick Guide: 5 things to know, look for, and try.]

“Such a busy child,” said my kid’s teacher on the first day of school. “Nobody else ever figured out they could climb that to reach the music player!”

That’s kids with ADHD, in a nutshell. They’re bright, curious. Able to solve things no one else can. Then comes the rest: “won't listen,” can't stay focused, doesn't follow through, interrupts class.

They sit down to do five-minute math homework, but 30 minutes later, they're in tears, you're in tears, and the worksheet is still blank. Or has a hole ripped through it. Or got eaten (sigh).

Everything feels chaotic. You don’t have time to think before you respond. Send them to brush their teeth; find them ten minutes later dismantling the can opener. Getting ready for bed takes two hours, seventeen reminders, and at least one meltdown. And yet, they are the sweetest kid who can spend three hours building an incredibly intricate Lego, so focused they forget to pee.

“If only they’d try harder,” adults lament. 

They ARE trying. It’s not motivation, laziness, or bad parenting, I promise. Here’s what to understand.

ADHD is about executive function

Despite the name, ADHD isn’t all about attention or hyperactivity. It’s about executive function: how the brain manages, organizes, and executes tasks and projects. It’s planning, processing, focusing, remembering, managing time, and more.

Brains of people with ADHD do all those things differently. The executive function parts of the brain develop more slowly, and the brain's chemical messaging system (particularly dopamine and norepinephrine) works differently. It can feel confusing, like, why can my kid focus for 3 hours on an anthill but not 10 minutes on math?!  More on this below.

The “disorder” piece is important and imperfect

Lots of kids experience attention deficit and hyperactivity, but for some kids, it’s a disorder: real neurological differences significantly affecting their life in multiple contexts, requiring real support (see also OCD, ASD, generalized anxiety disorder…).

“Disorder” isn’t my favorite word, though. ADHD isn’t all bad news. It’s about DIFFERENCES, not DEFICITS.

The same traits that make everyday life harder can help ADHD brains do extraordinary things when they’re supported.

The hyperfocus it’s hard to come out of lets them dive deep into passion projects and do extraordinary work. The nonlinear thinking that surprises teachers is creative problem-solving, shortcuts, and solutions no one else saw. The intense emotions and sensitivity that cause meltdowns also bring deep empathy, noticing when someone's upset before anyone else does. 

I’m not pretending ADHD doesn't make things hard. It absolutely does, and we can help you figure out how to address those challenges. But please also remember the goal isn't to "fix" your child or make them act "normal." ADHD is part of them, for worse AND for better. So the answer’s about figuring out what’s going on, appreciating their amazing differences, and helping make their way of thinking work for them.

It’s often not just ADHD. 

Most kids with ADHD (60-80%) have something else going on too: anxiety, learning differences, sleep problems, sensory challenges, and more. The tricky part is these things are all interwoven. Bad sleep is both a symptom of ADHD and makes ADHD harder. Sensory overload can look/feel like ADHD, but ADHD makes it harder to filter sensory input. This is why figuring out what's going on often feels like untangling a massive knot. 

You have to do something. 

If I could go back and change one thing about when my kids were little, it would be to figure out the ADHD piece earlier and better. 

I'm not a doctor. I'm not here to suggest specific treatments or medications. But I will be uncharacteristically pushy: you have to do something. 

Unsupported ADHD increases the risk of depression, anxiety, and substance abuse. It leads to relationship and social challenges that compound over time. It creates educational struggles that didn't need to happen.

More heartbreakingly, it builds a history of failure, shame, and being in trouble for things they can't help. They're trying so hard, but everyone (including them) thinks they're “bad” or “dumb” or “lazy.” This creates lifelong self-esteem and social consequences.

Don’t let this panic you! Thousands of families figure this out. You will too. Your kid will be okay. They have an awesome parent who knows they are already trying and is on their side.

The first thing to do (as always)  is understand what’s making it hard for your specific child. ADHD manifests differently for each person, and we need to tailor support to each child’s specific needs. Then we’ll talk about real life strategies for your real life child with ADHD.

[We know this is a lot. Take a breath!]

How ADHD might show up in your child

ADHD has different presentations: some kids are primarily inattentive, some are hyperactive and impulsive, and many have a combination of both (called "Combined Type").

The official types are honestly less important to me than figuring out what pieces a given child struggles with.

Here’s a partial list of what those might be. It might seem overwhelming. Scan and dive into only the ones that resonate about your child!

“She’s so spacy” / “He can’t pay attention”

Attention Regulation

Your child seems to not hear you when you call their name. They walk right past the thing they need without seeing it. They can spend four hours on a Minecraft build, but can’t make themselves finish ten minutes of homework.

This is the attention regulation or attentional focus problem. 

Kids with ADHD can focus intensely, joyously, super-productively, sometimes for hours. It’s that they can’t always control where that focus goes or direct it where we (or they) want it to go.

For many kids (and adults), that control happens only under specific conditions: novelty, competition, urgency/deadline, or passion. Without those activators, the brain struggles to engage.

But when hyperfocus works, they can do incredible, creative, prolific things.

“They won’t sit still”

Hyperactivity (the "H" in ADHD - when kids have this plus impulsivity without the attention issues, it's called "Hyperactive-Impulsive Type")

Your child is always moving: tapping, bouncing, fidgeting, making noises. They won’t stay in their seat (or, they’re technically in their seat, but upside down).  

Staying still feels itchy or buzzy inside. Their body is driven by an internal engine they can’t turn off; it’s uncomfortable enough to take all their energy. The movement might be unconscious (the leg jiggle, pencil tapping, rocking). Sometimes that movement actually helps them focus. When we force stillness, we take away the thing that was helping.

A “plus” of hyperactivity is that kids who have it tend to get noticed. The kids with Inattentive-type ADD (no H) are far more likely to slip under the radar. Girls especially are significantly underdiagnosed because they're more likely to have inattentive presentation. They have all the challenges without the disruptiveness that gets attention. They’re often better at masking. It doesn’t mean they aren’t struggling.

“He never stops to think”

Impulse Control

Your child’s hand shoots out before they’ve decided to hit, they grab the toy, they eat the thing. Crass jokes come out of their mouth before they can stop them. They spend all their money on the shiny thing they see today, and then are heart-broken when they remember they were saving for something cooler.

It’s not “making bad choices.” It’s no gap between impulse and action. 

A therapist once told my kid to practice “stop and think” before doing things that got them in trouble. My kid stared at her like she was speaking gibberish. “I have ideas ALL THE TIME. How am I supposed to know which ones are bad before I already did them?” 

“She can’t get started”

Task Initiation and Planning

They know what to do. They’re cognitively capable. But they sit there, staring at the blank page, and nothing happens. Or they do everything else in the world first. You use all your force of will to pin them to the homework chair and still have to say, “Time to start” 100 times. It’s not procrastination or defiance. It’s a neurological block that keeps the brain from “starting the engine,” especially when the task feels big, vague, or boring.

Kids with ADHD often see the end goal but not the path. They can’t break it into steps, so the whole thing feels like a giant, overwhelming blob. What if I told you, “Build a washing machine from scratch with no directions or internet?” You can picture the washing machine, but not the builder’s manual. So these kids abandon even projects about which they were super excited, and end up with a history of letting themselves and others down.

And also: this piece can make folks with ADHD super enthusiastic “yes” people who can help the rest of us not be boring. When *I* hear about a possible adventure, I picture the process: the hours of work it’s going to take to get there, the cost, the to-do list items, the massive weight of it all. My partner only sees the amazing endpoint, says, “Cool!” and signs us up.

“She forgets everything”

Working Memory

The permission slip is signed. It’s in the bag. You remind them twice. Nope. That slip lives in the bag now. You’ll find it months later, after fielding frantic phone calls from the office the day of the trip. Given a task with three directions, one is never done. This is working memory. The information goes in, but the brain doesn’t hold it up at the forefront where it’s useful.

Working memory struggles don’t just affect details and tasks. They make it hard to focus on important pieces of social interactions, comprehend what you read, remember what the question was by the time it’s your turn to answer, and solve multi-step math problems. Working memory is what’s supposed to help kids remember how their behaviour system works or that it exists. It’s a lot.

“He has no sense of time”

Time Blindness

Your child has no idea how long things take. “Five minutes” is meaningless. Planning for the future is futile. There’s only now and not now. Things are either happening right this second (urgent!) or they don’t exist yet. That’s why projects get ignored until the night before, why it’s so hard to transition, why it’s hard to change behaviour to earn a reward that won’t come for three weeks.

However, as a Huddle friend pointed out: “When I am with you, I am 100% with you. No part of my brain is remembering I have to take trash out or leave by 1pm. I’m late all the time, but I’m fully with you. You’re partially distracted by everything you’re remembering.”

“They just go 0-60”

Emotional Regulation

Your child explodes over tiny things. Criticism feels catastrophic. Rejection (real or imagined) feels unbearable. Emotions hit faster and harder, and impulse control turns feelings into actions instantly.

Kids with ADHD experience emotional time differently. Urgent things take over completely; future ones barely feel real. Small frustrations explode into huge reactions, because they feel permanent. There’s no mental fast-forward to remember that it will pass.

ADHD can also include extreme rejection sensitivity. Some kids experience rejection – real or perceived – with what might feel like an outsized reaction. Their brain is wired to notice and react to social threats more intensely than other people's brains, so mild criticism feels catastrophic and even imagined rejection triggers real emotional pain.

These feelings are real, even when we don’t understand where they come from. All of this emotional intensity, though, can also mean big empathy, big love, big excitement when their friends succeed. Kids with ADHD often feel others’ emotions deeply, which can become a huge strength and mean they’re great friends, once they learn to manage it.

So, What Do I Do About It?

First, breathe. This can be exhausting and overwhelming, but again, you’ve got this.

Now. Let’s figure out some ways to help.

Head over to Part 2: ADHD: Real life strategies for your real life child.

Or, find a time to talk with me 1:1 and figure it out.

ADHD: Real Life Strategies for Your Real Life Child

[Read Part 1: Understanding ADHD is here]

[TL;DR? See our ADHD Quick Guide: 5 things to know, look for, and try]

These strategies aren’t about “fixing” your kid. ADHD is part of who they are. They’re about making the hard parts easier, so their own amazingness can show up more often.

You don't need to do ALL of this. Pick what feels most urgent or most doable, start there, and know that we're here to help.

Strategies to Support the Brain

Medication

I don’t usually advocate hard for given strategies. And I'm not a doctor. But Edward Hallowell is, and he said:

"Opting not to even try medication [for ADHD] is like saying to your eye doctor, 'Let's try a year of squinting before we try eyeglasses.'" 

(ADDitude Magazine, Fall 2024. ADDitude is a good place to read very general info about ADHD, and this series on meds was interesting.)

I understand that ADHD medication isn’t for everyone. It doesn’t even work for some percentage of the population. Just make sure you are skipping it for solid, informed reasons like medical contraindications, careful consideration with your doctor, or trying other evidence-based approaches first, and not because of anecdotes or myths.

Common myths to ignore: 

• Meds won't lead to addiction (possibly the opposite, in fact). 

• Meds won't change who they are. In fact, it may allow them to be more present as themselves and bring out their strengths. As one mom told me, "I was worried it would blunt his personality, but it's letting his real self shine so much more.” If your child feels “flat,” talk to the doctor and find something else to try.

• These aren’t new drugs for which we don’t know the long term effects on the brain. 

Truths: Finding the right medication takes trial and error. Some are stimulants, some are not; both can work. There are time-release options and single dose ones. Getting your kid to take meds can ruin the whole morning.

It is absolutely okay to set up your child’s meds based on what is likely to actually happen in your real life (if they take the meds better at school, but give you a hard time at home, great, do that). It is also okay to make sure the effects of the meds extend past the school day, so the evenings at home aren’t a nightmare for everyone.

Regardless of how well meds work, they should only be PART of your plan, and many of the below strategies are as evidenced-based as some meds.

Lifestyle

Movement

Getting the wiggles out isn't a myth. Exercise and movement have been proven to help with many ADHD symptoms.

What helps:

• Physical activity (moderate-to-vigorous, 20-30 minutes daily)

• Movement breaks throughout the day, not just at recess

• Activities that require coordination and focus (martial arts, dance, climbing)

• Short bursts of big, fast, or heavy push movements to reset focus: jumping jacks between math problems, race to the school door, trampoline before bedtime, swings, rowing machine, giving a sibling a “horsey ride”

• Fidget chairs, wiggle seats, standing desks. These aren’t just to get the jumpies out; many kids need a little movement to be able to focus. Let them do laps or jiggle their legs while they read.

Sleep

Sleep is HUGE. Sleep problems are both a symptom of ADHD and make ADHD harder. Again, talk to your doctor, and if your doctor isn’t interested, talk to a sleep specialist. Dr. Craig Canapari has excellent information on this.

Get them off the screens

It’s so hard. I know. And also, there’s growing evidence that more screen time correlates with worsened ADHD symptoms, especially impulsivity. Not just that awful transition when it’s time to turn them off, but throughout the rest of the day. At the very least, silo it into designated times (we are not ”just real quick checking something” all day long), and don’t let it happen before school.

Inspiration: my own young adult child recently THANKED ME for all the screen time limits I had when they were younger, even though at the time I was apparently the worstest, most tyrannical mom ever.

Nutrition

Despite what’s online, there's little scientific evidence that specific diets or supplements significantly help ADHD. The exception might be omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil), which show possible modest benefits in some studies.

What matters:

• Consistent meals (hunger can make ADHD worse)

• Protein, especially at breakfast (not just for kids with ADHD)

• Limiting sugar spikes and crashes

Nature

This one isn't just "it's nice to get outside." Time in nature has been proven to mitigate ADHD symptoms. Get them outside in as much nature as you can find, every day, even in winter.

Shape the Environment or Task

As always, our best line of support is adapting the environment or the task that is overwhelming the child. They’re trying their hardest, so if it’s not working, it’s not them that needs to change. Most of these strategies are totally appropriate to ask for at school (I have used all of them in classrooms, so it’s possible).

Reduce the Load

When it feels like too much, it probably is.

Ways to reduce the load (more ideas here):

• Prioritize what actually matters. Choose your moments of correction, your activities, their obligations.

• Simplify routines: eliminate steps, make it easier for them.

• Give them extra time, “buffer” time in case things take longer, wait time to process directions

• Reduce the number of decisions they need to make, especially at known hard times. Offer fewer choices for everything from outfits to snacks to camps.

• Do some things for them, for now. Not giving in and grumpily tying the shoes, but asking, without judgement, “Would it be easier if I tied your shoes?” 

• Let some things go entirely. Drop some battles. You can always come back to them.

Externalize the Executive Function They Don't Have

Your child's brain doesn’t hold or process information like a neurotypical brain. Store the information outside their brain. Then help them use and manage the systems.

• Make it visible (visual timers and schedules, post-it notes on the mirror or the door, laminated checklists of steps they need to take, posted routines). In general, it’s great to give kids information verbally and visually (visuals don’t disappear, so they can check back if they didn’t get everything).

• Use organizational frameworks (calendars, assignment planners, mind maps, fill-in-the-blanks outlines for writing assignments, giant white boards or chart paper to capture their nonlinear thoughts, mnemonic devices, note-taking systems)

• Make it easy to capture so they don’t try to just remember (voice memos, reminders app, “hey siri,” white board near the door, keychain notepad and pen on the backpack). 

Lend them someone else’s executive function

Sometimes the accommodation is another person: you, another adult, a tutor, a sibling…

• Body doubling (someone else present and focused on their own work)

• Buddy system for remembering things (an older child asking “do you have your lunch?” every day on the way to the bus)

• A sidekick for difficult situations, so they have someone they trust. We all hate going to rooms full of strangers alone, and anxiety is no friend to self-regulation.

Model the skills you’re hoping they will learn, speaking your own thoughts aloud. Even better, do these things WITH them, asking the questions and letting them shape the plan. 

• Work backwards from the end goal to create a project plan and/or timeline

• Break the plan into small steps and decide what to do first

• Create mini-deadlines in extended projects, if they need urgency for focus

• Gather the materials and set up the workspace

• Have a system to review that you have everything before leaving the house (my kids got tired of my “Got my coat, got my hat…” song)

• Have a joint weekly planning session for homework and life

• Give them scripts for difficult situations, so your thoughtful scripts become the impulse instead of something less helpful

Set Up the Physical Space

• Arrange things they need so they make a trail to where you want them to go (toothbrush in the washroom near the door so they don’t have to go back upstairs, shoes before coats before hook with the backpack); then, at the end of the day, they can walk the trail backwards replacing them.

• Backpacks with lots of pockets so things have a special place, including one pocket labelled “CHECK ME.”

• Label and/or color code drawers, bins, hooks, and shelves, with pictures if needed. Works also for binders, files, and assignment sheets.

• Use bigger bins, divided into broader categories. Let them decide the categories.

• Designate "okay to be cluttered" spaces. Some kids feel safer in clutter (mine, sigh).

Create a focus space.

• Reduce visual distractions, remove extraneous items

• Seat them away from high-traffic areas, use dividers or folding presentations boards for privacy

• Offer special seating so they can move while they work (wobble stools, exercise balls, standing desks, wiggle cushions, physioband around the legs of the chair to kick at)

• Make it quiet, use white noise, or offer headphones. OR, play music or coffee shop noise, which helps some kids focus

• Use parental controls to turn off enticing websites and apps

Get Them Started

Starting is often the hardest part. Lower the barrier to entry:

• Let them do the easiest or most interesting part first

• Hide most of the overwhelming project or assignment, so they can focus on the first step. Cut worksheets into strips, so they only have to see a handful of problems at a time.

• Use three dice to determine how long they will sit down and work for. Pretend to be disappointed when they “only” sit down for 7 minutes to do something they were fighting about doing at all. After a break, roll again.

• Ask them to talk out what they want to write about, record or type what they say, then show them they already started.

• For some kids (mine), all the breaking tasks up just stresses them out that they are going to have to do this thing they don’t want to do every day until the end of time. They do better being sent off with a pressing deadline.

Build Connection and Agency

Don’t ignore the social-emotional struggles 

ADHD makes social interactions harder; kids miss subtle cues, interrupt, get stuck on topics, or blurt impulsive things they immediately regret. The accumulation of social missteps and being told you're 'too much' can damage self-esteem and increase social anxiety. Add in rejection sensitivity, emotional intensity, and dysregulation, and a history of being corrected or shamed, and it’s essential to address the social-emotional piece.

Teach them social-emotional strategies

• Use social stories to practice tricky situations. Make stuffed friends go to Aunt Linda’s. Make the Lego guy accidentally knock a friend’s tower over and apologize. Use books. It’s easier to talk about these situations when they aren’t really you.

• Labeling emotions goes a long way to being able to regulate them, and labeling struggles is the first step to self-advocacy. Help them. “You seem like you’re feeling fidgety in your body.” “Oh, you must be so FRUSTRATED.” “Sometimes at school, kids feel like everyone’s staring at them.” 

It’s great, especially, if you have some of their same struggles and can articulate that: “This work project is big! I’m having that IT’S TOO MUCH overwhelmed feeling.” 

• Use frameworks for managing feelings. I like Zones of Regulation, because it doesn’t label feelings as “bad,” and it doesn’t only focus on anger.

• Teach them self-regulation skills (breathing practices, mindfulness, self-talk scripts, diverting the frantic energy elsewhere)

Be the soft landing sometimes.

• It’s easy to feel like they’re making mistakes in super frustrating ways ALL the time, especially if you’re exhausted and you come home from work to blueberry sauce on the cat. Try to choose your battles, live with some things, and set boundaries to eliminate things you really can’t tolerate that you want to stop scolding them about.

• Share in their favorite activities, in the way they want you to, without trying to teach them anything or get them to talk or make them use the toys the right way. Just sit quietly with them and tear the paper into bits, if that’s what they’re doing. Be their break from people trying to fix them.

• Catch them trying, or doing well, and describe what you see, even if it’s something you think they “should” be able to do easily

• Celebrate the ways you yourself are “different,” especially if they’re something you share

• Tell them you know they are trying their hardest, you have their back, and when things go south, it’s because they need more support, not that they’re a failure. 

Get Their Input

"Every teacher wants to break down the task for me, but I have my own process, and they never break it down the way I would."

Set up the notebook, the space, the project how THEY think it should go. Ask questions to get them to make the plan instead of doing it for them.

They’re going to create plans that seem doomed. Let them. They’ll be surprise successes or learning experiences.

Ask THEM what the hard parts are. Ask what they need. Give them practice asking for accommodations or assistance. You're modeling that they deserve support, and teaching them to advocate for themselves.

Get professional help.

Therapists for emotional regulation and rejection sensitivity. Occupational therapists for daily living skills. ADHD coaches for organization and more. 

Someone besides you to teach the skills and hold them to the plan, so sometimes you can just be their parent.

Don't Do All of This!!

Don’t even try. Being too exhausted to parent is not going to help anyone’s ADHD.

Start with one or two things that feel most pressing or doable: a visual timer, calling the doctor about medication, letting go of nightly homework completion.

You don't have to do this alone. That's what The Huddle for Families is here for: to help you figure out what your child needs, connect you with other families who understand, and remind you that needing help isn't failing, for your child or for you. Find a time to talk to me 1:1 if you need it.

You've got this. 

Figuring out what’s hard: 9 factors to consider first

You know children’s behaviour communicates a struggle or unmet need (and your child's behaviour is literally screaming it). You’ve tried talking to your child about it collaboratively, but you just get "I don't know!" The teacher keeps handing you sticker charts. Your neighbour thinks it’s a vitamin deficiency, the school blames your parenting, and you're at a loss. You're not a special educator, therapist, or diagnostician: how are you supposed to figure out what might be going on?

Here's our list of 9 things to consider first when you're trying to figure it out. We created this alongside teachers, doctors, and other parents who've been exactly where you are. Start here before assuming it's a discipline issue or looking at other things. Remember: You’re not trying to diagnose your child; you’re just gathering clues for what to explore next

1. Medical factors

Illness, pain, or discomfort can make everything harder. Chronic headaches, stomachaches, any physical discomfort (even mild, ongoing pain) affect a child's ability to focus, regulate, and cope. Seizure activity can impact behavior and attention. Low muscle tone can make it hard to sit up, hold a pencil, or be careful with others’ bodies. If your child seems to struggle more at certain times of day or has physical complaints alongside behavioural challenges, talk to your doctor.

2. Hearing or vision challenges

Kids can have trouble with actually hearing or seeing things (the physical intake), or with processing that information once it comes in. Even when hearing and vision tests come back "fine," some kids strain so hard to see or hear that it causes tension headaches or exhaustion by the end of the day. If your child seems to work really hard to follow along, gets frustrated easily with reading or listening tasks, or complains about headaches, get their hearing and vision checked. Mention that you're wondering about processing, not just acuity.

3. Sleep

If they're not sleeping, everything is harder. It takes energy to be at school, to listen and process directions, to play and be patient with others. No sleep, no energy for those things. The links between ADHD symptoms and disrupted sleep are significant. Even if they seem to be sleeping, are they sleeping soundly? Can you hear them snoring or gasping down the hall? That might mean they're not getting quality sleep even though they're in bed for enough hours. Talk to a doctor about sleep quality, not just quantity.

4. Cognitive or learning challenges

If your child seems to have the capacity to do the work but isn't, make sure they don't have a learning disability or processing challenge making it hard. Dyslexia is the most well-known example, but there are others: dyscalculia (math), dysgraphia (writing), auditory processing disorder, and more. Sometimes what looks like ADHD or behaviour issues is actually a child struggling to keep up with work they can't access. If your child seems to have the capacity but schoolwork is consistently hard in specific ways, ask for detailed psychoeducational testing.

5. Communication struggles

Communication requires a lot of steps: taking in information, processing what it means, deciding how to respond, formulating an answer, and making your mouth say it. If any of these steps are hard — whether because of a second language, autism, processing delays, or speech motor planning issues — communication breaks down. So much "behaviour" comes from kids who can't understand or communicate in typical ways. They're frustrated, they don’t get your directions, they can't ask for help, they can't explain what's wrong, so they show you the only way they can. 

6. Sensory struggles

Some kids process sensory input differently. They might be oversensitive (sounds hurt, light touch feels like a slap, heat is unbearable) or undersensitive (they seek crashing, noise, deep pressure to feel regulated). Kids often don't know they're experiencing things differently than everyone else, or they can't explain what's bothering them. It’s like being hangry without realizing you're hungry. Sensory struggles can make everyday environments genuinely overwhelming or leave kids constantly seeking more input to feel okay. This is something to talk to an OT about.

7. Anxiety, OCD, or panic

Anxiety doesn't always look like fear or worry. Sometimes it looks like anger, controlling behavior, perfectionism, or avoidance. Kids might be anxious about something that's actually terrible (being bullied) or something unlikely (convinced the building will explode). Either way, the fear feels real to them. OCD can make kids feel like they have to do certain things to keep everyone safe, and they might not be able to explain why. Panic can come out of nowhere and make kids desperate to escape. When anxiety is driving behavior, typical calming strategies often backfire—they can make kids feel unheard or more panicked. Learn more in our Anxiety series.

8. ADHD and executive function struggles

ADHD isn't just hyperactivity (though that's hard enough). It also shows up as difficulty with working memory, planning and executing tasks, impulse control, and directing attention deliberately. Some kids can't focus. Others hyperfocus and can't shift attention away. The physical hyperactivity isn't just "wanting to move;” for many people it's experienced as agitation, a body that NEEDS to move and sends that message constantly. Kids with ADHD might also move without even knowing it (leg jiggling, fidgeting). Executive function challenges affect a child's ability to start tasks, remember multi-step directions, organize their materials or thoughts, and manage their time. Impulse control issues can mean kids DO the thing before they even realize they should probably decide if it's a good idea, so all the retroactive punishment in the world won't help. Controlling or accommodating for ADHD symptoms is a game changer for lots of kids.

9. History of trauma or chronic failure

Trauma (whether it's a single event or chronic stress) actually changes how the brain and body work, making it harder to learn, regulate emotions, and feel safe. Being shamed, excluded, or restrained daily is traumatic, and it affects how kids approach new situations. Even if they seem happy-go-lucky on the surface, past experiences shape their expectations and responses. Chronic failure teaches kids that they can't do things, which affects their ability to try. If your child has been in trouble every day since preschool, they might be starting every day with a lower chance of success.

What's NOT on this list

• Parental failure

• Growing up in an "alternative" family structure

• Being "spoiled" or "oppositional" or "difficult"

• The teacher being mean

• Not enough essential oils

Look, I'm not saying these things don't matter or that stress doesn't affect kids. Of course divorce is hard. Of course being yelled at is real. But here's the thing: all over the world, kids are dealing with stressed parents, divorced families, new schools, and microplastics without falling apart every day at lunch.

Start with these medical, developmental, and neurological possibilities first. Once you have ruled out or addressed hearing loss, anxiety, ADHD, whatever it is, then you can work on other stressors if needed. But blaming yourself, your child, or your family situation first just delays getting your kid actual help.

Still trying to piece it together? Let's talk. Schedule a 1:1 conversation with me to walk through what you're seeing and get clarity on what might actually be going on. 

School Plans That Actually Help: Safety Plans, IEPs, 504s, and SSPs Explained

It’s the time of year when emails roll in about SSPs, 504s, or IEPs. You get a document to sign, but it’s full of jargon, vagueness, and magical thinking. 

My kids’ IEPs (Individual Education Plans) were always packed with plenty about their problems as an “I” and how they disrupted everyone’s “E,” but very little on what the “P” was to help them.

As an educator, I always wanted my students to have clear, actually helpful plans (most teachers do, but not everyone knows how to make it happen, or has time). 

So, here’s what to include in a school plan (and what to watch out for) so it actually works in real life.

Start with the most important thing

Your child is already trying as hard as they can. They aren’t lazy. They aren’t being defiant to annoy their teachers. They do not wake up and think, “How shall I get myself sent to the naughty bench today?” They’re already doing their best, even when it looks messy, loud, or stressful. If they are not focusing or learning, it’s because something is getting in the way.

Work on Figuring Out What’s Making It Hard before you make a plan, otherwise you’re solving problems without knowing what they are.

Know what kind of plan you’re looking at

IEPs, SSPs, 504s, BSPs, ILPs: the names differ depending on your school district, city, or country, but broadly, plans come in two categories:

1. Safety Plans (Behaviour Support Plans, Crisis Response Plans…) focus on preventing or managing unsafe or escalating situations. [For specific guidance on Safety Plans read How to Create a Safety Plan that Actually Keeps Anyone Safe.]

2. Individual Educational Plans (504s, Student Support Plan, Individual Learning Plan…) focus on learning, accommodations, and skill development. 

Things Your Plan MUST Have

Education, not motivation

The plan should meet your child where they are and recognize that if they aren’t achieving, it’s because they need help learning the skills they are missing. If your school isn’t getting it, try the swimming metaphor. A good plan should not include only the rewards your child will receive if they magically demonstrate new skills without being taught them.

Realistic, measurable, clear goals.

“Carlos will react appropriately 75% of the time” is meaningless. A good plan should include:

• What skills your child needs to learn, specifically

• Clear, realistic, measurable goals

• A plan to monitor progress towards those skills

If the goals seem outrageous or you don’t know how success will be measured, speak up.

A plan for teaching your child the skills they need to get to those goals

This is often where things fall apart. The goals are solid, the accommodations to make tasks easier are in place, but there’s nothing in there about helping the child actually learn what they need to. I am not talking only about academic skills: behavioural skills sometimes need to be taught too. We can't expect children to learn organizational skills without teaching them and supporting them until they get it.

Practical, clear strategies (not vague “assistance”)

No “teacher will provide additional support” or “modification as needed.”

Examples of specific assistance include:

• Visual schedules, directions, and timers

• Task breakdowns or “chunking” into smaller steps

• 1:1 or small group pull-out or in class learning opportunities

• Directions given individually to just your child and understanding confirmed

• Adjusted homework expectations or homework sent home in packets so you can work on it on your own schedule

• Step-by-step guidance for handling transitions into and out of learning activities and school, or for handling belongings, materials, and assignments

• “Secret” signals with the teacher for when your child needs help

You should be able to picture each strategy in action. They should be specific and clearly connected to what your child needs to learn.

If your child struggles with self-regulation, the plan should also include specific, individualized ideas for helping them calm down before things escalate.

Think:

• Short breaks or movement opportunities

• Sensory tools (fidgets, weighted blankets, headphones, sunglasses)

• A calm corner or quiet area

• Check-in or check-out with a trusted adult

• Discrete visual cues or cards for requesting help

• Adjustments to instructions or environment that reduce overwhelm (e.g., giving warnings before transitions, having a buddy for the pick up line)

Don’t forget to include instructions for how adults should respond, not just what your child should do. “Persons working with Carlos are asked to offer him the chance to take a break in the hallway or get a drink of water.” “No physical redirection or restraint.”

Input from your child

Yes, even if they’re little, and especially if they’re older.

Your child’s perspective matters: they’re the ones who have to endure the strategies or get the help. At minimum, they should be prepped on what’s going to happen. Ideally, include their voice in shaping strategies. Ask them:

• What makes you worried or tired at school?

• What would make that easier for you?

• What do you wish adults knew about how school feels for you?

Older kids and teens can usually handle more detailed involvement if approached with care.

What Should NOT Be in the Plan

Generic motivation systems. Unless they’re for very specific, achievable behaviors your child *already can do consistently.*

Anything you don’t understand. If you can’t picture it in real life and school can’t explain it, it’s not useful.

Things the teacher already knows won’t happen. Don't agree to or insist on "nice on paper" ideas that sound good but aren't realistic.

Anything that puts the entire burden on your child. A plan should support learning and coping, not make the child fix everything alone.

The bottom line: if you can't picture it happening on a Tuesday afternoon when your kid is having a rough day, it's not going to work. You have every right to ask questions, push for clarity, and make sure this plan actually helps your child succeed.

You got this.

[I have so many more ideas! Need help figuring out what might work for your child? Let’s talk]

Find an article.

How to Manage Your School Meeting

I’ve been to countless school meetings on both sides of the table. They’re rarely easy. But they’re often the only chance we have to make school work better for our kids.

That said, I cannot estimate how many times I’ve been hauled into the principal’s office (camp office, rabbi’s office, taekwondo master’s office...) to hear a litany of terrible things my child did when they were struggling. It’s mortifying, it’s disruptive, and it always seems to come right when you thought things were improving.

The most important thing: keep the focus on what your child needs, not what they do when they don’t get it. Keep bringing the conversation back to struggles and solutions, not blame.

[If this all feels hard, we can help. I’ve opened extra 1:1 slots this month for families navigating back-to-school. Sign up here. Or join our workshop on Managing School Meetings. Both are free and online.]

Some practical advice

Let go of embarrassment. 

I know. This is SO HARD. But your child is struggling. They’re communicating, asking for help in the ways they have access to at that moment. If that communication looks like disruptive or even aggressive behaviour, it is not a moral or parental failing.

When the school tells you what’s happening, instead of collapsing into guilt, mortification, and indignation (I have been there), say:

"Oh, it sounds like she was really miserable. I’m glad she has a school that understands these behaviours are the only way she can tell us she’s struggling. Let’s talk about what we can put in place to help."

This is not your fault.

Treat them like your team.

Even when it feels like the school is getting it wrong, most staff are doing their best inside a system that isn’t set up to support your child. That doesn’t excuse poor decisions, but it does change the way we approach the conversation.

Even if you disagree with them, if you can act like you’re on the same team, you’ll get further. I’m not saying every school is amazing, or that anger is never justified. I’m also not ignoring the way that many parents, especially Black and Brown parents, have their reasonable concerns misread or dismissed as hostility. That’s widespread, and it makes this even harder.

It’s not fair that the burden so often falls on parents or that schools don’t have the resources they need to be the expert support they should. And also: if you want the meeting to be helpful, you have to manage the meeting.

If they don’t understand, teach them. Not "She only hit that kid in math because YOU didn’t..." but "When she does these things, it tells us she’s overwhelmed. How can we help her feel safer?"

If they say they don’t have the resources, ask: "Who can I contact to help us get them?" If you can escalate together, all the better.

Get the context in advance.

Ask the teacher to come with data – not a tally of every misstep, but specific patterns:

• When is it happening? Afternoons? Music? Waiting her turn? “It happens all the time” is not useful or likely.

• What seems to trigger it?

• What has worked, even a little? Or, when is there NEVER a problem?

Have an agenda. 

The goal is to leave with a concrete plan to help your child. The agenda could include:

Making a list of what seems to be hard. 

Activities, times of day, skills she’s lacking. Remember: keep the focus on what she needs, not what she did when she didn’t have it. Then, prioritize 1-2 most important things to tackle.

Making a “right away” plan.

It’s okay if this includes short-term “band-aid” fixes. They might feel extreme. That’s okay. It is not okay to send a child into a situation every day without support when we already know it’s not working.

If she gets 20 minutes of Lego in the library instead of melting down at math time, she’s not "missing learning." She’s protecting her sense of self. And if she’s melting down two days a week in math, she’s spending the other three trying not to, white-knuckling through it with clenched fists and a frozen smile. She isn’t learning math anyway.

When someone inevitably says, "But she has to learn math eventually!" you can say, "Of course. What can we put in place long-term?"

Making a longer-term plan.

This should answer the question of how she’s going to learn math for the rest of the year.

More, it needs to say how she is going to build the skills she is lacking that are making sitting in math hard. If she has a really hard time sitting still and focusing, the plan can’t be “she will try harder and earn stickers for focusing.” It needs to say how she will build those skills.

Recapping the next steps

Confirm the plan out loud. Something like:

"Okay, so we’re doing X and Y starting tomorrow. I’ll talk to Carla tonight and make sure she understands. I’ll send the headphones in her backpack. Ms. Frizzle will remind her to get them before lunch. Principal Slinger will contact the board OT, and we’ll start trying those strategies. Ms. Frizzle will track what seems to help for the next week. Is that right?"

Then ask: When do we meet again?

Take notes. 

This gives you a record and a reason to pause if you need a moment. You can bring someone with you to take notes, too.

The agenda should NOT include:

• What’s wrong with your parenting

• What’s wrong with the teacher

• Re-hashing past incidents

• How to make your child more motivated (she’s already trying)

• How hard this is on other children at school (Yes, it matters, truly, and also the best way to help those kids is to help yours).

• How mad other parents are (This is on the school to manage and simply unkind to share with you.)

• Other children’s behaviours, diagnoses, or discipline (they can't share that, just like they shouldn't share yours).

Follow up. 

Remember to send the headphones! Explain the plan to your child. Let her know what’s going to be different. Ask how it went. Email the school with a quick summary and add:

"Please let me know if I’ve missed anything. Otherwise, I’ll assume we’re moving forward and I’ll see you all on the 13th."

This isn’t (just) about evidence. It’s a shared record, and a reminder.

Say thank you. 

Yes, this is the teacher and the school’s job, and yes, they will try to help your child regardless.  But, we teachers don’t get a lot of appreciation from adults. It’s nice to be thanked for our extra effort.

REMEMBER:

If you need help figuring out how to make a plan, or even just how to survive the next meeting, that’s what we do. Reach out here.

I send monthly ideas in our newsletter, no fluff, no spam, no paywall.

You’re not alone. Your child isn’t alone. We’re cheering for both of you.

More to read:

• It’s Not About the Behaviour

• It’s Not Your Fault

• You Are Not Alone

• Blog Table of Contents

When it’s already hard: Triage for the first month of school

It’s only September, and you already have that lump in your stomach. Maybe nothing’s happened, but your child is barely holding it together.  Maybe they’ve already been sent out of class so often they have a “usual spot.” 

The process of getting support can be slow: request the meeting, schedule it, wait for the team, follow up, wait some more. Meanwhile, you’re sending your child every day, knowing they’re struggling and likely to fail. It’s heart-breaking, and it feels like all you can do is give them pep talks and beg.

That’s not all you can do. Here are some things you and your child’s teacher can try right away.

1. Start from empathy

Everyone (you, the school, the bus driver) needs to start here: your child is trying as hard as they can. Behaviour that’s frustrating, disruptive, uncomfortable, or even violent is a sign they’re overwhelmed or under-supported. They’re not bad. They don’t need a motivational speech, a bigger punishment, or a sticker chart from 1993. If they could please every adult in their life and never end up sweaty and teary in the office, they would. They are suffering and they need help.

If your child’s teacher or school doesn’t understand that no child in the world wakes up excited to frustrate their teachers, alienate their peers, and be yelled at by 11am, educate them. A quick step: share our articles It’s Not About the Behaviour or When a Child Can’t Swim We Don’t Punish Them for Struggling.*

2. Ask your child what’s making it hard

Not “Why did you do that?!” but “Seems like line time is harder this year. What’s different?” Approach them when they’re calm. Bring a curious (not judgmental) attitude, and listen without disagreeing or trying to convince them they’re wrong or at fault. 

They may not know. Even so, you’re modelling how to name struggles and ask for what they need. Offer some ideas: “Some kids struggle in line because it’s loud or they hate not being first. Thoughts?” 

They may say something implausible. Listen anyway; say, “Let me understand” and repeat what they’ve said. Or they might give you a totally solvable problem. Whatever the answer, you can ask them what might help, and do your best to make it happen, or to at least support the need behind their ideas.

3. Try some tools

Give them something they can use tomorrow to make things easier. 

Try 1-2 of these: noise-cancelling headphones or earplugs, a weighted vest or neck pillow full of rice, an ice pack, a water bottle, a different seat, a band around their chair legs to bounce their feet on, a place next to the teacher to sit during circle, fidget toys, communication cards, extra snacks, sunglasses, a hoodie to block out some stimuli, pre-scheduled break times to “get a drink” or some other mini-escape, or a small comfort item from home tucked into their backpack. 

If you’re not sure what will work, ask your child.

Make sure the teacher knows these are coming and your child knows how they are to be used. 

“But everyone will want one!” No. This is either untrue (kids use tools they need) or it’s true and something in the classroom needs work because every child is struggling in the same way.

4. Make the day predictable

Knowing what is going to happen goes a long way to calming our nervous systems. Create clear, visual schedules and routines. Have someone review the schedule with the child each morning. Make it accessible: a card taped to their desk, a checklist in their notebook, or wall pockets with picture cards..

Create visual or written directions for repeated tasks (“Arrival at school: Hang up coat, Turn in homework, etc.”). These can be printed and laminated as checklists or posters.

You can help by making the AM routine as predictable as possible (I know, bwahaha. We do what we can) and by creating a simple afterschool routine that can happen daily or near daily. 

5. Offer an escape that’s not punishment

Too often, the “break” space is in the same office where you get sent for being “bad.” Work with the school to find somewhere children can go that doesn’t feel like punishment. A quiet space with a few tools, no audience, maybe a timer. Could be a reading nook, a resource room, or the library. 

If the school says they don’t have a place like that? They do.

6. Give them a simple way to ask

When a child (or adult) is upset, they can’t always find words. Give them code phrases, visual cards, or short scripts like “I need a break” that they can practice and then hopefully access when overwhelmed. With younger kids, I’ve used picture cards (quiet space, water fountain, playdough) that kids can show me or I can offer when they seem to be struggling. One great teacher gave my kid two Hot Wheels cars; when they needed a break, they silently handed one over and went to their spot. The fewer words a child has to find or process in the moment, the better.

Make sure all the adults know this plan, and practice at home if it’s a phrase, so when your child asks in this way for what they need, it works.

7. Fast track the teacher relationship

Every child, but especially kids who struggle, needs to feel like their teacher understands them and accepts them as they are. In September, this isn’t built yet, so it might require shortcuts. That might mean a private joke, a secret handshake, or ten minutes talking about their favourite game. It might mean asking the teacher to spend an extra ten minutes before or after school just having fun together. It definitely means making sure the teacher understands and shows them, “I know you’re trying as hard as you can, and I don’t think you’re a monster.”

When they mess up, they need proof the relationship is still intact and a warm welcome back, and the follow up needs to be focused on repair, not rehashing. But this can only happen if the relationship is there.

8. Get everyone on the same page

Your child can have an amazing homeroom teacher and then get set off every day at lunch. Every adult who works with your child needs to be equipped to help. Try a quick “student snapshot.” We have a free one-page template you can fill in and share. That way, the recess monitor isn’t unintentionally making things harder. 

9. Create a soft landing

School takes everything they’ve got. Give them a buffer before they face the demands of home or activities, even the fun ones. That could be splashing in a fountain, running in the park, or zoning out in the car with Minecraft. Definitely snacks. 

Don’t launch into “what the teacher said” before they’ve had time to reset. Trust me: they already know you are disappointed and stressed. Make sure they also know you are on their side. Tell them, “I know it’s hard. I know you’re trying. You don’t have to figure this out alone.”

This isn’t the time to push new skills at home. Let them use home to rest and gather energy for school.

10. Take the biggest stressor off the table (for now)

If Music is falling apart twice a week, it’s not helpful (or fair) to keep sending them while you wait for a plan. It’s draining their energy and setting them up for more meltdowns everywhere else.

Let them spend that time in the library, helping in a younger class, or leaving early. It’s not forever. It’s taking one hard thing off their plate so they can have more good moments the rest of the week.

None of these is a magic fix. But they might slow things down, so you can all breathe, regroup, and figure out a plan. And if you really feel like you’re doing this alone, book a 1:1 call, and let us help.

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* Ross Greene’s book Lost and Found is great for this, and also talks about including kids in conversations about what might be making it hard.