How to Manage Your School Meeting
I’ve been to countless school meetings on both sides of the table. They’re rarely easy. But they’re often the only chance we have to make school work better for our kids.
That said, I cannot estimate how many times I’ve been hauled into the principal’s office (camp office, rabbi’s office, taekwondo master’s office...) to hear a litany of terrible things my child did when they were struggling. It’s mortifying, it’s disruptive, and it always seems to come right when you thought things were improving.
The most important thing: keep the focus on what your child needs, not what they do when they don’t get it. Keep bringing the conversation back to struggles and solutions, not blame.
[If this all feels hard, we can help. I’ve opened extra 1:1 slots this month for families navigating back-to-school. Sign up here. Or join our workshop on Managing School Meetings. Both are free and online.]
Some practical advice
Let go of embarrassment.
I know. This is SO HARD. But your child is struggling. They’re communicating, asking for help in the ways they have access to at that moment. If that communication looks like disruptive or even aggressive behaviour, it is not a moral or parental failing.
When the school tells you what’s happening, instead of collapsing into guilt, mortification, and indignation (I have been there), say:
"Oh, it sounds like she was really miserable. I’m glad she has a school that understands these behaviours are the only way she can tell us she’s struggling. Let’s talk about what we can put in place to help."
This is not your fault.
Treat them like your team.
Even when it feels like the school is getting it wrong, most staff are doing their best inside a system that isn’t set up to support your child. That doesn’t excuse poor decisions, but it does change the way we approach the conversation.
Even if you disagree with them, if you can act like you’re on the same team, you’ll get further. I’m not saying every school is amazing, or that anger is never justified. I’m also not ignoring the way that many parents, especially Black and Brown parents, have their reasonable concerns misread or dismissed as hostility. That’s widespread, and it makes this even harder.
It’s not fair that the burden so often falls on parents or that schools don’t have the resources they need to be the expert support they should. And also: if you want the meeting to be helpful, you have to manage the meeting.
If they don’t understand, teach them. Not "She only hit that kid in math because YOU didn’t..." but "When she does these things, it tells us she’s overwhelmed. How can we help her feel safer?"
If they say they don’t have the resources, ask: "Who can I contact to help us get them?" If you can escalate together, all the better.
Get the context in advance.
Ask the teacher to come with data – not a tally of every misstep, but specific patterns:
When is it happening? Afternoons? Music? Waiting her turn? “It happens all the time” is not useful or likely.
What seems to trigger it?
What has worked, even a little? Or, when is there NEVER a problem?
Have an agenda.
The goal is to leave with a concrete plan to help your child. The agenda could include:
Making a list of what seems to be hard.
Activities, times of day, skills she’s lacking. Remember: keep the focus on what she needs, not what she did when she didn’t have it. Then, prioritize 1-2 most important things to tackle.
Making a “right away” plan.
It’s okay if this includes short-term “band-aid” fixes. They might feel extreme. That’s okay. It is not okay to send a child into a situation every day without support when we already know it’s not working.
If she gets 20 minutes of Lego in the library instead of melting down at math time, she’s not "missing learning." She’s protecting her sense of self. And if she’s melting down two days a week in math, she’s spending the other three trying not to, white-knuckling through it with clenched fists and a frozen smile. She isn’t learning math anyway.
When someone inevitably says, "But she has to learn math eventually!" you can say, "Of course. What can we put in place long-term?"
Making a longer-term plan.
This should answer the question of how she’s going to learn math for the rest of the year.
More, it needs to say how she is going to build the skills she is lacking that are making sitting in math hard. If she has a really hard time sitting still and focusing, the plan can’t be “she will try harder and earn stickers for focusing.” It needs to say how she will build those skills.
Recapping the next steps
Confirm the plan out loud. Something like:
"Okay, so we’re doing X and Y starting tomorrow. I’ll talk to Carla tonight and make sure she understands. I’ll send the headphones in her backpack. Ms. Frizzle will remind her to get them before lunch. Principal Slinger will contact the board OT, and we’ll start trying those strategies. Ms. Frizzle will track what seems to help for the next week. Is that right?"
Then ask: When do we meet again?
Take notes.
This gives you a record and a reason to pause if you need a moment. You can bring someone with you to take notes, too.
The agenda should NOT include:
What’s wrong with your parenting
What’s wrong with the teacher
Re-hashing past incidents
How to make your child more motivated (she’s already trying)
How hard this is on other children at school (Yes, it matters, truly, and also the best way to help those kids is to help yours).
How mad other parents are (This is on the school to manage and simply unkind to share with you.)
Other children’s behaviours, diagnoses, or discipline (they can't share that, just like they shouldn't share yours).
Follow up.
Remember to send the headphones! Explain the plan to your child. Let her know what’s going to be different. Ask how it went. Email the school with a quick summary and add:
"Please let me know if I’ve missed anything. Otherwise, I’ll assume we’re moving forward and I’ll see you all on the 13th."
This isn’t (just) about evidence. It’s a shared record, and a reminder.
Say thank you.
Yes, this is the teacher and the school’s job, and yes, they will try to help your child regardless. But, we teachers don’t get a lot of appreciation from adults. It’s nice to be thanked for our extra effort.
REMEMBER:
If you need help figuring out how to make a plan, or even just how to survive the next meeting, that’s what we do. Reach out here.
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You’re not alone. Your child isn’t alone. We’re cheering for both of you.
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