When it’s already hard: Triage for the first month of school
It’s only September, and you already have that lump in your stomach. Maybe nothing’s happened, but your child is barely holding it together. Maybe they’ve already been sent out of class so often they have a “usual spot.”
The process of getting support can be slow: request the meeting, schedule it, wait for the team, follow up, wait some more. Meanwhile, you’re sending your child every day, knowing they’re struggling and likely to fail. It’s heart-breaking, and it feels like all you can do is give them pep talks and beg.
That’s not all you can do. Here are some things you and your child’s teacher can try right away.
1. Start from empathy
Everyone (you, the school, the bus driver) needs to start here: your child is trying as hard as they can. Behaviour that’s frustrating, disruptive, uncomfortable, or even violent is a sign they’re overwhelmed or under-supported. They’re not bad. They don’t need a motivational speech, a bigger punishment, or a sticker chart from 1993. If they could please every adult in their life and never end up sweaty and teary in the office, they would. They are suffering and they need help.
If your child’s teacher or school doesn’t understand that no child in the world wakes up excited to frustrate their teachers, alienate their peers, and be yelled at by 11am, educate them. A quick step: share our articles It’s Not About the Behaviour or When a Child Can’t Swim We Don’t Punish Them for Struggling.*
2. Ask your child what’s making it hard
Not “Why did you do that?!” but “Seems like line time is harder this year. What’s different?” Approach them when they’re calm. Bring a curious (not judgmental) attitude, and listen without disagreeing or trying to convince them they’re wrong or at fault.
They may not know. Even so, you’re modelling how to name struggles and ask for what they need. Offer some ideas: “Some kids struggle in line because it’s loud or they hate not being first. Thoughts?”
They may say something implausible. Listen anyway; say, “Let me understand” and repeat what they’ve said. Or they might give you a totally solvable problem. Whatever the answer, you can ask them what might help, and do your best to make it happen, or to at least support the need behind their ideas.
3. Try some tools
Give them something they can use tomorrow to make things easier.
Try 1-2 of these: noise-cancelling headphones or earplugs, a weighted vest or neck pillow full of rice, an ice pack, a water bottle, a different seat, a band around their chair legs to bounce their feet on, a place next to the teacher to sit during circle, fidget toys, communication cards, extra snacks, sunglasses, a hoodie to block out some stimuli, pre-scheduled break times to “get a drink” or some other mini-escape, or a small comfort item from home tucked into their backpack.
If you’re not sure what will work, ask your child.
Make sure the teacher knows these are coming and your child knows how they are to be used.
“But everyone will want one!” No. This is either untrue (kids use tools they need) or it’s true and something in the classroom needs work because every child is struggling in the same way.
4. Make the day predictable
Knowing what is going to happen goes a long way to calming our nervous systems. Create clear, visual schedules and routines. Have someone review the schedule with the child each morning. Make it accessible: a card taped to their desk, a checklist in their notebook, or wall pockets with picture cards..
Create visual or written directions for repeated tasks (“Arrival at school: Hang up coat, Turn in homework, etc.”). These can be printed and laminated as checklists or posters.
You can help by making the AM routine as predictable as possible (I know, bwahaha. We do what we can) and by creating a simple afterschool routine that can happen daily or near daily.
5. Offer an escape that’s not punishment
Too often, the “break” space is in the same office where you get sent for being “bad.” Work with the school to find somewhere children can go that doesn’t feel like punishment. A quiet space with a few tools, no audience, maybe a timer. Could be a reading nook, a resource room, or the library.
If the school says they don’t have a place like that? They do.
6. Give them a simple way to ask
When a child (or adult) is upset, they can’t always find words. Give them code phrases, visual cards, or short scripts like “I need a break” that they can practice and then hopefully access when overwhelmed. With younger kids, I’ve used picture cards (quiet space, water fountain, playdough) that kids can show me or I can offer when they seem to be struggling. One great teacher gave my kid two Hot Wheels cars; when they needed a break, they silently handed one over and went to their spot. The fewer words a child has to find or process in the moment, the better.
Make sure all the adults know this plan, and practice at home if it’s a phrase, so when your child asks in this way for what they need, it works.
7. Fast track the teacher relationship
Every child, but especially kids who struggle, needs to feel like their teacher understands them and accepts them as they are. In September, this isn’t built yet, so it might require shortcuts. That might mean a private joke, a secret handshake, or ten minutes talking about their favourite game. It might mean asking the teacher to spend an extra ten minutes before or after school just having fun together. It definitely means making sure the teacher understands and shows them, “I know you’re trying as hard as you can, and I don’t think you’re a monster.”
When they mess up, they need proof the relationship is still intact and a warm welcome back, and the follow up needs to be focused on repair, not rehashing. But this can only happen if the relationship is there.
8. Get everyone on the same page
Your child can have an amazing homeroom teacher and then get set off every day at lunch. Every adult who works with your child needs to be equipped to help. Try a quick “student snapshot.” We have a free one-page template you can fill in and share. That way, the recess monitor isn’t unintentionally making things harder.
9. Create a soft landing
School takes everything they’ve got. Give them a buffer before they face the demands of home or activities, even the fun ones. That could be splashing in a fountain, running in the park, or zoning out in the car with Minecraft. Definitely snacks.
Don’t launch into “what the teacher said” before they’ve had time to reset. Trust me: they already know you are disappointed and stressed. Make sure they also know you are on their side. Tell them, “I know it’s hard. I know you’re trying. You don’t have to figure this out alone.”
This isn’t the time to push new skills at home. Let them use home to rest and gather energy for school.
10. Take the biggest stressor off the table (for now)
If Music is falling apart twice a week, it’s not helpful (or fair) to keep sending them while you wait for a plan. It’s draining their energy and setting them up for more meltdowns everywhere else.
Let them spend that time in the library, helping in a younger class, or leaving early. It’s not forever. It’s taking one hard thing off their plate so they can have more good moments the rest of the week.
None of these is a magic fix. But they might slow things down, so you can all breathe, regroup, and figure out a plan. And if you really feel like you’re doing this alone, book a 1:1 call, and let us help.
* Ross Greene’s book Lost and Found is great for this, and also talks about including kids in conversations about what might be making it hard.