How to choose a school
[looking for Transition to Kindergarten, or for info about the kinds of options school districts offer? Start here]
Sometimes it feels like there is a world of school options out there (and sometimes it seems there are none). Picking a school – kindergarten through university – is high stakes, and it can be hard to know where to start. Here are some ideas.
Before we dive in: this decision probably feels huge and terrifying. Maybe you're grieving the classroom you imagined your child would be in, the one where everything would just work without all this agonizing. Maybe you're wrestling with guilt about "giving up" on inclusion. Maybe you're exhausted from fighting and just want someone to tell you what to do.
There is no perfect choice. There's only the choice that works best for your child and your family, right now, and only for now. You're not locked in forever. So take a breath. You're going to figure this out.
Things to answer first
What does your child need?
What are the hard parts of school? Where do they need support? Schools can be amazing in general, but if they can’t accommodate your child’s specific needs, they aren’t right for you. If your child needs small classes, a 29-kid class will not work, no matter how “great” the school is.
Make a list of school skills that are hard for your child (sitting still, focusing on work, expressive and receptive communication, academic requirements, emotional regulation, self-care & hygiene, play skills…). Add what supports you’ve put in place at home or preschool, and you’ll have an idea where their “hard parts” are going to be and what they might need.
What are your priorities?
Some priorities come from your list above. Others come from your family’s values and goals. For me, class size was a priority, but so were diversity, understanding kids are trying as hard as they can, and excitement about learning. Sometimes your priorities clash with what your child needs (I insisted on Montessori preschool for my eldest, and it was great, but then her kindergarten teacher ran a military-tight teacher-directed ship, and my kid loved it). Be sure to ponder why something is a priority. Many parents say, e.g., “I want my child to be with typical kids.” Okay, what’s behind that? Is it so they have role models because they are a great imitator, or because *you* aren’t ready to have them in special education?
You might not realize what your real priorities are until you start looking around and your instinct says, “YES! That,” or “Oof. No.” That’s okay.
What does your child say?
This depends entirely on your child's age and self-awareness. A four-year-old can't meaningfully answer "what kind of classroom do you need?" But a nine-year-old might have real insights about what helps them focus or which teachers make them feel safe.
For younger kids, try: "What parts of your day are the easiest?" or "When do you feel happy at school?" Listen for clues about what's working. For older kids, you can be more direct: "What parts of your class really help you?" or "If you could change one thing about school, what would it be?"
Take their input with a grain of salt. Your child might be terrified of switching schools even from one that isn't working, or they might just want to be with that girl they're crushing on. But asking sends an important message: your struggles aren't your fault, you deserve support, and we're figuring this out together.
Don't let them make the decision entirely unless you've narrowed it to several options you can live with. You're the adult here. But their perspective matters, especially about what makes things harder or easier for them.
Put the answers to these first three questions in a list. Choose 3-4. You can’t have ten priorities. I’m sorry. You are going to have compromise, even at the best school.
[a metaphor: this is like dating. People *say* they want a creative partner who loves hiking at sunset, or who is smart, athletic, and handsome, but in reality, they are drawn to someone who exudes competence and makes them laugh. You can’t wait for a gorgeous, hilarious, confident, creative genius who hikes mountains and isn’t allergic to your cat. You have to prioritize. Unless you’re my husband, who won the lottery. Obviously.]
Does the school get it?
Do they understand that behaviour is communication, and that kids are trying as hard as they can? Do they see “problem” behaviour as a sign kids are drowning and need some floaties? Do they have ideas for responding to challenges, or will they ask you for strategies daily? Teachers come and go, so you want school-wide understanding and competence.
Questions that reveal the truth
Schools always say the right things in brochures and on tours. Here are questions that bypass the buzzwords:
Instead of asking general things like "Do you support kids with ADHD?", ask specific scenarios:
"What systems does the school have in place for children who need a break from the classroom?”
“Tell me about a time a student had a meltdown. What did you do?”
"What happens when a child can't sit still during circle time?"
"How do you handle it when a child's behavior disrupts learning for other students?"
"Can you give me an example of a behavioural accommodation you've made for a student who was struggling?"
"What does your discipline policy look like in practice?" (Then compare their answer to the written policy)
Here's what empathetic and experienced answers sound like vs. what they don’t:
Green flags:
"We had a student who was struggling with transitions, so we gave her a visual schedule and five-minute warnings. It took a few weeks to figure out what worked, but now she's doing great."
"When kids are dysregulated, we focus on helping them calm down first. We deal with the behavior later, once they're back in their thinking brain."
"We assume kids are doing their best. If they're not meeting expectations, something's getting in the way, and we try to figure out what."
Red flags:
"We have very high behavioral expectations here. Kids need to be ready to follow directions."
"We're very fair: same rules for everyone, no exceptions."
"We had a child like that once. It was really hard on the other students." (Translation: we couldn't handle them, and we blamed the child.)
Any answer that focuses on what the child needs to do differently rather than what the school can do to support them.
What to look for (if you get access)
Many districts don't allow classroom visits before enrollment, or only offer quick principal-led building tours. Some let you observe for thirty minutes. Some won't let you through the door. Here's how to use whatever access you get:
If you get no visit at all: Focus on the questions above. Ask to talk to current parents; schools often provide contact info, or you can introduce yourself at pickup. Ask to see the written discipline policy and IEP accommodation procedures. Request a phone call with the actual teacher.
If you get a brief building tour: You're mostly seeing hallways and closed doors, but you can still notice things. Is student work displayed? Does it show a range of abilities, or only the "best" work? When you pass classrooms, what's the energy like: controlled chaos that feels purposeful, or rigid silence, or actual chaos? How does the principal talk about the students: with warmth and respect, or with frustration?
If you get time in a classroom: Watch how adults respond when kids struggle. Is there patience or frustration? Do they get down to the child's level or bark from across the room? When a child makes a mistake, are they supported or shamed? Are kids working on different things (which might mean good differentiation) or is everyone doing exactly the same work in exactly the same way? Do kids who need to move get to move, or are they constantly being corrected for not sitting still?
Trust what you see, not just what you're told. A classroom can look chaotic but actually be working beautifully: kids are engaged, moving purposefully, learning. Or it can look calm but be completely rigid and punitive. Your gut will know the difference.
Trust yourself
What’s your gut instinct?
Sometimes the vibe of the place just feels good. Or wrong. Sometimes the principal says the right things, but you don’t buy it (I failed to trust my gut on this one once. We were looking for new schools by October). Your gut is wise. Trust it.
A caveat: your gut is wise about whether people genuinely care and are competent. Your gut is excellent at detecting when someone's going through the motions versus when they actually get it. But your gut might be lying to you if it's screaming "run away from the special education classroom" because special ed feels scary or shameful to you. Check in with yourself: is this instinct about what's best for my child, or is it about my own fear or grief or what I think other people will judge?
What makes sense for your life?
You have other children, a job, financial considerations, a community. You do not have to bend yourself into miserable pretzels for even the greatest school. You do not have to go into debt for private school, or drag your infant 45 minutes one-way in the car for drop off. You have to consider your whole family system: any stress on that system is going to affect your child. I give you permission to choose the family.
Remember, there is not one “right” answer, only choices that work for now, for your child, and for your family. So don’t get overwhelmed with guilt if you have to say no to something that might’ve worked.
Things to avoid
Don’t let your child’s fear of change or your own fear of the transition scare you off somewhere potentially wonderful. Yes, your child may protest. They may be terrified of the unknown or they may love their teacher and not want to leave them. Yes, the first 30 days at the new school might stink. And also: if this setting is better, if your child gets what they need, they will adapt, and so will you. Thirty days is not much in the context of several years of a better education.
Don’t try to predict the future. “If I send her to my local school, then in four years when my youngest is ready for kindergarten, they can go to school together.” “If he does grade 2 at this alternative school, he won’t have friends at my local middle school.” You can’t choose a school thinking of the distant future. Look ahead 1-3 years, and trust you’ll sort out the future when you can see what it demands.
Don’t hide your kids’ needs. I know you're scared. You're worried that if they know the truth about how hard things are, they'll say your child can't come, or they'll judge you, or they'll write your kid off before they even start. That fear is real and valid. And also:
It’s unfair to both your child and the school to hide your child’s struggles. You can’t possibly assess how a school will support your child if you conceal information. Teachers can’t possibly set your child up for success if they’re in the dark about her needs. I know: it’s embarrassing, and you worry if the school knows the truth, they’ll say you can’t come. Isn’t it better to know that’s how they feel before you uproot your child for a school that can’t work with them?
Don’t panic. This is a lot to think about, and it feels like your child’s whole life hinges on the decision. Remember: you are choosing a school, not signing a lifelong marriage contract. If it doesn’t work, you can try again, this time with more data. Your child can likely handle a little trial and error. Your child and your family are likely more resilient than you think. After all, they have you on their side.
You're doing the hard work right now. You're researching, asking questions, trying to make the best choice you can with imperfect information and limited options. That matters. Your child is lucky to have someone fighting this hard to get it right. Even if your first choice doesn't work perfectly, you'll figure it out and try again. You've got this.
How can we help?
Come to a Huddle and talk about it with other parents in the same boat.
Talk to me 1:1 about your options, decisions, and how to handle the transition.