Understanding Communication
[For real life strategies, see Communication: Real life strategies for your real life child]
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Communication is astonishingly complicated. There are many steps, and things can get gummed up anywhere along the way. When kids can’t communicate, they find other ways to express themselves, not always calmly; when adults focus on that “behaviour,” we miss our chance to figure out what’s really going on and actually help.
The process: What has to happen for communication to work
[Want to skip the detailed breakdown and go straight to what this looks like in real life? Jump to “What to look for” below.]
Picture this: You're at an ice cream shop. The person behind the counter asks your child, "What flavor would you like?"
Here's everything that has to happen (note there are many ways to split this up, so your Speech Language Pathologist might do it differently):
Step 1: GET the information (Input, Receptive language)
First, your child has to take in the question.
Hear the actual sounds. Hear those specific sounds well enough that they can piece together what the words are and distinguish them from one other. Hearing issues can hamper this, obviously, and a hearing check is a great place to start tackling communication problem-solving. Mention that you’re interested in testing acuity and processing.
Filter out everything else and direct their attention. Music plays, a TV flashes headlines, lights buzz. You're reminding them they don’t like coconut, their brother is poking them. Your child's brain has to filter out what's irrelevant and focus on what matters.
Sensory processing issues make everything louder, brighter, and harder to filter out. Attentional focus is challenged by ADHD, anxiety, and stress. Some kids’ systems might be so flooded they can’t take in any new information.
And they haven't even started figuring out what the words mean yet.
Step 2: UNDERSTAND It (Comprehension, receptive)
Now your child has to make sense of what they heard:
Know what each word means and what they mean when put together in that order. Grammar and syntax matter. "What ice cream would you like?" is different from "What? Would you like ice cream?"
Understand the context. The ice cream worker means “what flavor do you choose from amongst the flavors we actually have here right now?” They aren’t asking for your child’s favorite flavor, even if that’s what your child would really like.
Read (and filter) the subtext. The ice cream worker is smiling at them with a question face so they know it's their turn. Your “Remember you don't like coconut” is actually a warning: pick it and hate it like last time, you're not getting a different cone. Tones, facial expressions, and unspoken rules happen alongside the actual words.
For kids with receptive language disorders, the words themselves might not make sense, or they might take extra time to process. For kids learning English as a second language, they're translating while also processing. For kids with cognitive challenges, holding all this information and making sense of it is harder.
Processing challenges mean this takes time. But there's a line waiting impatiently, a brother poking and saying 'COME ON!' Then you're prompting, “Honey, strawberry? You like strawberry,” which is kind but also more language to process while holding onto the original question.
And they still have to answer that question.
Step 3: FORMULATE a Response (Expressive language)
Now your child has to figure out how to respond.
Make a decision. They have to scan all the flavors, hold the possibilities in their head, and pick one. Their trusted favorite isn't there, but they have to let that go, even if certain textures make them gag and that's the only flavor they know won't trigger it. For kids with ADHD or executive function challenges, decisions are genuinely hard. Chocolate or vanilla? Strawberry looks good. Wait, mint chip? Now they've forgotten what they were deciding. How can they trust themselves? They've been yelled at for “bad choices.” Last time they hated the coconut. Anxiety makes this feel like life or death.
Find the right words. Once they know they want strawberry, they have to retrieve that word. For some kids, word retrieval is genuinely hard. They know what they mean and can picture it, but the word is stuck just out of reach. It exists in their brain but won't come.
Compose the sentence. Is this a time to say: "I would like strawberry, please," or is "That one" okay? They have to decide how to communicate in a way that's socially appropriate for this context. And remember "please" and "thank you." Unless they’re at recess and it’s “weird” to be too polite. Again, for kids with autism or for whom social context is murky, or for kids who have gotten it wrong repeatedly, figuring out what to say might be as hard as choosing a flavor.
Step 4: EXECUTE It (Output, expressive)
Finally, it’s time to do the thing. Kids have to:
Make their mouth make the sounds. Coordinate their tongue, lips, breath, and vocal cords to produce "Strawberry, please" clearly enough to be understood.
This isn't automatic for everyone. Kids with apraxia know what to say but can't coordinate the movements. Other kids struggle with articulation. Kids who stutter face neurological challenges compounded by anxiety. None of this relates to intelligence, but people often assume cognitive impairment or defiance when the struggle is physical.
Getting the volume and tone right. Loud enough to be heard over the music but not so loud they're yelling. In a friendly tone, not a demanding one. Autistic kids in particular can struggle with tone and volume; shy kids may be afraid to speak up.
Making their body participate. Putting on the right face. Pointing accurately. Taking a napkin, grabbing the cone with the right tension, holding it steady while licking. Coordinating movements without knocking anything over or moving in ways that look “weird.” Gross and fine motor weakness, motor planning challenges, or spasticity can make following directions so hard.
That's just one interaction! Now imagine doing this all day long—in conversations, at lunch, during recess, while also trying to learn math and manage their body and emotions. It's exhausting.
And, struggling to communicate creates anxiety about communicating, and anxiety makes everything harder next time. It’s a vicious cycle.
How communication struggles might show up in your child
When a child stutters or has a speech delay, it’s easier to recognize that some of the sneakier ways communications challenges can show up.
You do not need to read ALL of these! Skim for ones that sound like your child.
A note: Some of this we need to “fix” or teach better ways of doing. Some of it is simply neurodiversity. Not being able to retrieve the words you want is a disability, but preferring to hang out with other people who are happy to play quietly without small talk until one of them gives you the gift of info-dumping about something they love is a difference.
The kid who's articulate until they're not. They can chat about their favorite topics, recite entire movies, use vocabulary that impresses adults. Then something goes wrong. They get frustrated, overwhelmed, or anxious. and suddenly careful words are just gone. They might resort to yelling, insults, repeated phrases, or they might lash out physically or freak out entirely. Or not speak at all. It's not that they're choosing aggression or deciding to “go mute.” The words literally aren't available anymore. But people miss that they have communication struggles because they talk so well sometimes.
The kid who only talks in certain contexts. At home they're chatty, but at school they're silent. Or they talk to some people but freeze with others. This isn't shyness or defiance; their ability to speak literally shuts down. They want to talk. They can't. This is often anxiety-based (called selective mutism), but people treat it as a talking or behavioural problem.
The kid who talks a ton but can't communicate. They know thousands of words and can tell you detailed dinosaur facts or video game rules. But open-ended questions, organizing their thoughts, explaining their reasoning, social back-and-forth, large groups: all really hard
The kid who repeats. Phrases from shows, from you, from other kids. Ready-made words are easier than creating their own. Sometimes these mean something real (they borrow a teacher’s “You're okay!” to say “I'm upset”), but it doesn't always land right.
The kid who's "fine" at school but falls apart at home. Teachers report no problems. Then kids get home and fall apart over tiny things. This isn't about feeling “safe enough to be awful with you.” Communicating at school all day takes enormous effort, and by the time they're home, they’re depleted.
The kid who’s "not listening." You give a direction; they don't follow it. They're standing right there, they clearly heard you, and yet nothing. But hearing isn't the same as processing, and what looks like ignoring might be their brain still working on step one while you're frustrated they haven't done step four. OR, they’re exhausted and you’re asking them to do something they can’t handle right now. Or they rarely actually understand, but they mask it with affection and politeness, and they can’t in this instance.
The kid who seems like “a jerk.” They interrupt constantly, talk at you instead of with you, skip all the small talk pleasantries, say blunt things that sound rude. Their tone comes across as aggressive even when they're just excited. They might sound like a “little professor” or “brag” about their skills. Some of this is just neurodivergent communication patterns misunderstood. Some of it is protective: when you've spent years getting social interactions wrong and being punished for it, sometimes it feels safer to just be the blunt, “tell it like it is” kid than to keep trying and failing at invisible rules.
Most important things to know:
Difference doesn’t always mean deficit. Not all communication differences need "fixing." Part of helping your child is figuring out what needs support and what just needs acceptance and people who get them.
This is not about intelligence or defiance or bad parenting. Many bright kids struggle with communication. The gap between what they understand and what they can express is deeply frustrating. Your child isn't choosing to shut down. You didn't cause this. Communication challenges are real, hard, and not anyone's fault.
“Behavior” is often communication attempts. The hitting, the yelling, the shutting down: your child is trying to be heard when words fail. When we punish the behavior without addressing the communication breakdown underneath, we're punishing them for struggling with something genuinely difficult.
There are many ways to help. Now that you know what's happening, you can start to help. Not by forcing communication or demanding they "use their words," but by supporting the steps that are hard and giving them other ways to be heard.
That's what we'll talk about next: Communication strategies for your real life child.
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