Communication: Real life strategies for your real life child
Now that you understand what might be happening – which steps are breaking down and what might be making it hard (see Part 1: Understanding Communication), here are some practical strategies that reduce pressure, support the steps that are difficult, and give your child other ways to be heard.
Start Here:
For how to help a child in crisis or meltdown: Jump to “Crisis Response”
If you need one thing to change today: Make it "Take away the pressure to talk" (see below)
If you're ready to build support: Read on for “Immediate Strategies”
Questions? Join our webinar on Communication Challenges.
Immediate Strategies
First, get their hearing checked. Even if tests are “normal,” are they straining to hear or process auditory input? This is a big piece for some kids. Then try a few of these:
1. Take away the pressure to talk
The single biggest thing you can do is stop trying to force speech when it's not available.
"Use your words" is torture when words aren't working. Imagine you're in the middle of a panic attack or crying so hard you can't catch your breath, and someone tells you to "calm down and use your words” (insert frustrated growl here). That's what it feels like for a child whose communication system is overwhelmed. The pressure to speak makes it harder, not easier.
Even for kids who are usually articulate, saying "spit it out" or "just tell me" adds pressure. Try “Take your time, I’m here” instead.
Give them other ways to communicate. This is where AAC (Augmentative and Alternative Communication) comes in.
What you need to know:
AAC is not just fancy iPads. It’s offering children additional ways to communicate for when talking is too much, and it takes many different forms.
AAC doesn't prevent speech, and it doesn’t mean your child will never talk. Studies show that when you give kids alternative ways to communicate and remove the pressure to speak, they're MORE likely to use speech when they can, not less.
AAC isn't just for kids who can't speak at all. It's for anyone who struggles with verbal communication in any context: the kid who loses speech when stressed, the kid whose mouth won't cooperate even though their brain knows what to say.
Some kids initially resist pictures or other AAC because it feels “babyish” or different. Offer choices, and let them see it works.
Options include:
Visual communication cards - pictures or words they can point to for common needs ("break," "help," "bathroom," feelings, common frustrations like “someone took my toy”)
Pointing to choices - give photo or icon options so they can point or exchange a picture for what they need. Start with just 2-3.
Writing or texting - for tough conversations with older kids, sometimes it’s easier to be able to process the information or emotions, think about what to say, then draft and revise a text.
Simple sign language - a few key signs for immediate needs (this is nice even if a child can talk, so they can communicate “I need a break” for example without interrupting the conversation)
AAC apps or devices - don't overwhelm yourself with options; your Speech-Language Pathologist can help figure out what fits
2. Give Them TIME
Wait time might be the single most helpful tool you can try.
Say what you need to. Then count to 10 slowly in your head. Actually slowly. "One... two... three..." Don't repeat the question. Don't rephrase. Don't fill the silence. Just wait expectantly, like you know they're working on it and you have all the time in the world.
Yes, there might be people in line behind you at the ice cream shop. They'll be fine. Your child's ability to process and communicate is more important than strangers' convenience.
Separate the steps. Give them the information, then WAIT, then ask the question. "We're going to Grandma's house this afternoon." [Pause] "Do you want to bring your trucks or your art supplies?"
Or give advance notice: "At snack time, I hope to hear about your birthday ideas." This lets them start organizing their thoughts before they need to answer.
This is a great IEP accommodation: the teacher can tell your child privately what question they'll be asked during circle time, so they can be ready when it's their turn.
Slow down your own speech. Pause before you speak. Pause after. Take a breath between sentences. You're modeling the rhythm you want them to have, and you're also giving them more processing time.
Make sure you're actually listening when they ARE ready to talk. Stop what you're doing. Make eye contact. Give them your full attention. Ask, "Anything else you need to say?" and then WAIT.
Don't let siblings answer for them. Don't finish their sentences. Don't rush them along.
Some kids need to talk things out to process before they can give you their real answer. Let them ramble, repeat, work through it aloud, then agree on an answer.
Written notes give everyone processing time, and remove the pressure of immediate response.. Try text, email, a shared journal, bathroom mirror post-it notes.
3. Reduce What They Have to Process
Remember all those steps from Part 1? Make each one easier.
Make sure their attention is on you. Don’t call out from the kitchen, talk while they’re Minecrafting, or drop directions into the middle of other stories. Stop, get down to their level. Don’t force eye contact, but wait until you know they’re with you. If you have to interrupt something fun, say, “I need 30 seconds, and then you can go back to the game.”
Use fewer words, fewer options, fewer steps. Instead of "Can you go upstairs, brush your teeth, put on your pajamas, and get into bed?" try one thing at a time. Or hang up a visual list of the routine for them to check one thing at a time, no speech needed.
Instead of "What do you want for dinner?" with infinite options, try "Pasta or chicken?" Point to two actual choices if that helps.
Use simple, concrete language. "The bus comes soon" is clearer than "We need to hustle or we'll miss our ride."
Block out the noise and chaos. The world is loud and visually overwhelming. Headphones can help filter sensory input; even if your child doesn't seem bothered by noise, they might make it easier to process what you're saying. Find quiet spaces for important conversations. Dim the lights if you can. Have one person talk to them at a time instead of multiple adults giving directions. This is especially important if they’re getting overwhelmed.
Don't add information or rephrase while they're processing. This is huge. Adults ask, "What do you want for lunch?" When they haven't answered in two seconds, we add: "We have sandwich stuff, or there's leftover pizza, or I could make mac and cheese, what sounds good?" Now they have to process all that new information and they've lost track of where they were in answering the first question.
If you need to prompt, AFTER waiting those 10 seconds, simply repeat the original question. "What do you want for lunch?" Better yet, start with only two choices: “It’s lunchtime. Pizza or sandwiches?”
Give them information in multiple ways. Speech disappears the moment it's spoken. Add a visual, something written, a gesture, a model of what you want. For directions, show them the list so they can check back. For schedules, use a visual schedule with pictures. For choices, point to the actual items. You're not doing this because they're not smart enough to understand words. You're doing it because multiple inputs make it easier for everyone’s brain to process and hold on to information.
4. Model the Language They Need
Kids learn communication by watching and practicing, so make sure you are modelling.
Give them scripts for tricky situations. Work together to come up with specific phrases they can memorize for common challenges. Practice: "I need help," “I need a break,” and “I’m so sorry, are you okay?” so they can access them automatically when needed.
Practice these when they're calm, not in the moment. Make it silly if that helps. Use stuffed animals. Role-play.
Then make sure the adults around them know what to listen for.
Think aloud your own processes. Let them hear how you process and label your own emotions:
"Hmm. So many flavors. I want something fruity, so that's strawberry or peach... I think peach. Peach, please."
"Okay, we need to bring the backpacks, keys, and snacks. Backpacks, keys, snacks. Backpack, keys, snacks. Got it."
"I am so frustrated right now! I need a minute before I answer."
Practice conversation skills in low-pressure contexts. Games with clear rules reduce uncertainty and make communication less fraught. Turn-taking games teach the rhythm of back-and-forth without high stakes. Table top role-playing games give them scripts and structure to practice social interaction. Dinner is a great time to practice with "Everyone share your favorite..." or other structured conversation. We played a lot of “Two Truths and a Lie” about our day, which has listening, remembering, organizing what you want to say, and reading nonverbal cues.
Crisis Response: During Communication Breakdown or Meltdown
When your child is completely overwhelmed and communication has broken down entirely, here's what to try:
Reduce ALL demands immediately. Stop asking questions. Stop giving directions. Stop trying to fix it or figure it out. Their system is flooded: more input just makes it worse.
Offer alternative communication. Hold up a communication card so they can point. Ask yes/no questions they can nod or shake their head to. You're looking for any way they can tell you what they need without requiring speech. I kept laminated pictures of break/regulation strategies on a carabiner in my classroom. When a child was struggling, I'd show them three choices and let them point.
Stay calm yourself. Breathe. Ignore the bystanders you’re worried are judging. Use minimal words: "I'm here." "You're safe." "Take your time." That's it.
Give them space if they need it. Some kids need to be left alone to regulate. Some need your presence but not your words. Pay attention to what your child needs. Get school to understand and pay attention too (sometimes when a kid is escalated, schools call in EVERYONE, and it backfires wildly).
Circle back later. When they've regulated (much later, maybe the next day) you can revisit: "Earlier you seemed really frustrated. Want to tell me about it?" No pressure if they still can't or don't want to. You're showing them you care and you're available when they're ready.
What NOT to Do
Skip the "Sneaky English Lessons"
When your child is struggling, the goal is communication, not perfection. Do not:
Constantly correct their grammar or pronunciation. Every correction is a message that they're doing it wrong, that communication is a test, that you're focused on form over content. Save the grammar lessons for calm teaching moments, not real communication.
Turn every interaction into a teaching or practice opportunity. Sometimes your child just needs to tell you something or ask for something. Let them communicate without it becoming a lesson about how to do it better. Sometimes they just want to build Lego quietly with you without having to answer questions or name colors. Sometimes they just want to share their excitement about a special interest with grandma, and they just need grandma to listen without you jumping in because you’re worried they’re “monologuing.”
Require "proper" language when they're struggling. If your child is upset and says "I no want it," you understood them. Don't withhold help until they say it "correctly." If they’ve been melting down daily, but today they yell “I NEED A BREAK!” that’s awesome. Meet them where they are.
Don’t assume they can’t understand because they don’t speak.
I have met many, many kids, even young preschoolers, who were non-speaking, but who understood everything that was said to or around them, even when they didn’t respond. Please don’t assume that because a child isn’t responding or doing what you’ve asked that they aren’t understanding all the adults talking around and especially about them. It doesn’t help anyone’s communication to have to listen to Aunt Judith complain about them. Remember this also at the doctor or therapist’s office: it’s okay to ask to discuss your child’s struggles without them having to sit through it.
Getting the Right Support
Sometimes you need professional help.
Speech-Language Pathologists (SLPs) work on receptive language (understanding), expressive language (formulating and expressing thoughts), pragmatic/social communication, word retrieval, articulation, and more. If your child is struggling with communication, an evaluation can help identify exactly where things are breaking down. Ask for an SLP who has experience with your child's specific challenges (autism, ADHD, apraxia, whatever's relevant).
You can request evaluations through your school district even if your child doesn't have a formal diagnosis. This is free, and it's your right under most special education law.
Social skills programs: know what to look for. Red flags: ABA-style or behaviour-centered approaches that focus on compliance or "acting normal" rather than teaching skills. Green flags: programs that teach genuine communication strategies, respect neurodivergent communication styles, and address what YOUR child actually struggles with (meaning at your child’s real level of communication, not just generic "social skills"). Ask what their approach is, what they're actually teaching, and how they measure success.
School accommodations that can help. Put specific accommodations in an IEP or 504 plan so they're official:
Wait time
Visual schedules and routines
Group directions repeated to your child individually
Extra processing time for questions and assignments
Advance notice for questions they'll be asked (no cold-calling)
Alternative ways to demonstrate knowledge (written instead of verbal presentations, typed instead of handwritten, verbal answers “scribed” by an adult)
Reduced language load for instructions (shorter, fewer steps, simpler language, offer visual supports)
Access to AAC or communication supports, especially when they’re upset (write those regulation cards or “need a break” signs into the plan)
Quiet space for communication-heavy tasks
Frequent breaks during language-heavy activities
Remember
You don't have to do everything at once! Start with one or two strategies that feel most relevant to what your child struggles with. Small changes can make a real difference, and the most important thing is that your child knows that you know they are trying, and you’re there to help.
Want more background? Go back to Part 1: Understanding Communication.
Want ideas and advice geared towards your individual child? We offer free, one-on-one consultation. Find out more.