“It’s the parents, right?”
I’m lucky with my teeth. I floss, use fluoride rinse, don’t chew ice – all the right things, and my teeth are in good shape. It’s luck, though: I have family members who do all the same things and need root canals and extractions. My dentist agrees: it’s important to do all the things, but it doesn’t guarantee your teeth will be fine.
Last week, she asked what I do, and I explained. She went back to work: 10 fingers, 2 sharp things, and a hose in my mouth. Then she said, “Really, though, most of the time, those kids with behaviours, it’s the parents, right?”
I did not bite her, because I am a grown adult with self-regulation skills and because of the aforementioned sharp tools.
And also because to me her response shows fear.
Blaming parents is what people do when they don’t understand and they’re scared. They NEED it to be true that their kids are compliant or regulated due to stellar parenting, because it gives them the sense that they can control things, and a sense of control curbs anxiety.
My dentist believes she does all the right things. She cited screen time rules, family dinners, etc. Unlike what she told me about teeth, she believes doing right things will guarantee her kids are not “those kids with behaviours.” She’s got the idea that if she’s a “good” parent and when kids struggle it’s “mostly the parents,” then she can release her anxiety about her kids’ futures. She’s parenting them well, so they’ll turn out okay, and not be or get into trouble. She compares her kids to other kids (which she did next, citing her nephew as “trouble”), and when her kids seem to be doing better, it reassures her she’s doing well.
Do you see the circular logic? If parents do the right things, kids will be okay, and if kids are okay, it means parents must be doing the right things. What's the name of that kind of fallacy? I don't know. I'm calling it the Parental Flossing Fallacy.*
I’m not saying parenting doesn’t matter. But the dental analogy holds: some kids are going to struggle mightily in a world that is not built for them, even if you parentally floss and brush daily. We cannot control our kids, the world, or what happens to them in it. Every single person is going to struggle at some point, in possibly unpredictable ways, and there is NOTHING parents can do to make that never happen.
It’s terrifying. Lack of control is terrifying. We put our whole hearts into these kids, so all we want is to MAKE everything be okay, for them to be okay, so that we can feel okay instead of terrified. We all look for ways to feel like we have control.
But our kids don't need us to control them or the world. They certainly don't need us to spend energy trying, or blaming ourselves or judging other people because of their kids' struggles.
They need us to listen when they communicate, even if that communication involves "behaviours." To figure out what's making things hard, and what might help. To help THEM understand their own systems as much as possible, and how to effectively get help even when we are not there. To make sure they know they are amazing and lovable and deserving of support and help, not DESPITE their differences but along with them, or even partly because of them, and that any time the world tells them differently, the world is incorrect. To let them know they are not alone.
They need us to reply with education when people make comments. I told my dentist:
“Actually, most of the time, when kids have the “behaviours” you’re thinking of, it’s because they are overwhelmed by the world or the task, or they have unmet needs. They’re asking for help, even if it seems like they’re being a pain. So I don’t blame parents, really, because everyone’s child can struggle, no matter how “good” a parent they are.”
I was with an amazing young adult this week who was definitely "that kid" in many settings. Now they live independently, have a job, make friends, all the dreams. We talked about an acquaintance who always seemed to be doing "fine" but who was finding adulting overwhelming. "I think I'm lucky," this young adult said. "I was so out of control as a kid, the adults HAD to notice and get me help. So I figured myself out when I was still young, like what was hard for me and how to manage myself. I know lots of people my age who never had to figure that out and now they're having their hard time, and they don't know what to do."
I almost cried. Everyone is going to struggle at some point, even my perfect-mom dentist's kid. Don't spend your energy trying to avoid it. Spend it listening for when it starts and finding things that help. Spend it ensuring your child understands their hard things and what to to do about them, and believes they deserve love, success, and support.
You’re starting just by being here. And your kids are super lucky to have you, even if you never floss.
* Commenters tell me this is “the just-world fallacy crossed with outcome bias.” I like my name better.
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