“He just goes zero to sixty!”
Sometimes everything is fine. Great, even. Then one little thing happens and BAM! Your child explodes, seemingly out of nowhere. It's terrifying. They escalate so fast, you don’t have time to keep up. Things are being screamed, thrown, or punched before you’ve fully processed the first seconds. There’s no time to do any of the advice parenting books recommend.
So you start being REALLY careful, to try to make sure it doesn’t happen. You probably give in a lot more than your instinct knows is wise (I’ve been there), just to keep things calm. You never expected to be walking on eggshells around a 6 year-old, trying not to set them off.
School calls all the time, but they have no answers. They say, “He just goes 0-60.”
Here's the thing: kids almost never actually go 0-60. It’s our job to figure out what’s happening from 0-59.
What might really be going on
1. Panic
Kids (especially kids with something like OCD or a history of trauma) can have triggers that are hard for people around to understand or recognize. Some kids also have a consistently high baseline level of anxiety. When triggered, kids may truly believe that something awful is about to happen. So they panic.
If your house is on fire, what do you do? You focus on getting everyone out, not explaining politely. You go 0-60.
2. Nobody helped them the first 0-59 times they tried
This is my most common guess. "She just goes 0-60" usually means nobody helped her when she was at 0-59. Maybe nobody was paying attention. Maybe the child articulately and politely asked for a break or for help, or they mentioned that something was bothering them, but they got told no or that they should "ignore it." Maybe it was a failure of communication; they asked in ways that didn’t work or that made sense to them but not to adults around them.
Remember: your child does not know their calls for help are incomprehensible to grown-ups. To them, it feels like they are asking, but being ignored. So they aren't going 0-60, they are escalating to get something they need in the face of nobody listening.
3. Nothing but 60 has worked in the past
Maybe a child has tried and tried to express that they are overwhelmed, day after day, but we keep sending them back into the same situation. They know by now: levels 0-59 don't work. Level 60, though? That gets them kicked out of the room for sure every time, which means they escape whatever it is that was too much for them to handle. So now they skip to 60 to get what they need.
This can be true in lots of situations: if we aren't showing kids we hear them when they ask for help no matter how they ask for it, they may learn to start at 60, just to be heard.
4. They simply can't hold it together another second
Maybe they've been doing a really good job coping in the face of a million hard things. They've rolled with schedule changes. They’ve white-knuckled it through sensory overload: the fluorescent lights buzzing, the too-tight waistband, the cafeteria noise that feels like it's drilling into their ears (remember, often with sensory, kids don’t even realize what’s upsetting their systems). They’ve ignored the kids whispering. They have taken their breaths and used their strategies. All this time, it's been building, like a tidal wave. And then one more thing happens, something small or dumb that in any other situation would barely register. But it is the last straw.
They aren't going 0-60. They're just keeping 0-59 inside.
5. Physical considerations
Maybe they have low blood sugar, either in a typical way or due to a medical issue. Some kids fly into "rages" just from this. Some kids' bodies fail to recognize physical pain or discomfort until it's overwhelming and needs immediate attention (this can be anything from the need to use the washroom to a migraine). When we label kids with things like "they just go 0-60," we can miss physical or medical reasons it makes perfect sense that they seem to explode.
Where to start figuring it out
Ask your child. Wait until things are calm (maybe hours later, maybe the next day). Say something curious-not-judgmental like, "Hey buddy, it seems like things got really hard for you earlier. What was going on?" Then listen. Take seriously whatever they say, even if it seems unlikely. If they say "I don't know," try some guesses: "Sometimes kids get really frustrated when..." You're looking for patterns, triggers, warning signs you might have missed. [Read: Figuring out what might be behind the behaviour]
Look for 0-59. Start paying attention before things escalate. What's happening in the minutes or hours before? What does your child look like at 30? At 45? Maybe they get quieter. Maybe they start moving more. Maybe their jaw tightens or they start making mistakes they don't usually make. Maybe their voice changes. Once you know what 0-59 looks like for your child, you can step in earlier with the help they need.
When you see them in the 0-59 place. Once you know what your child's warning signs look like, try to interrupt the cycle before they hit 60. This might mean offering a break before they ask for one, reducing demands immediately ("Actually, you know what? Let's skip the rest of those math problems"), offering connection ("Want to sit with me for a minute?"), or distracting them with something calming that helps them be in their logical mind, like a puzzle or story. Sometimes kids don't even know they're escalating, and your calm intervention can help them recognize "Oh, I'm getting overwhelmed" before it becomes a crisis.
During the next meltdown
Prioritize safety and regulation. Your job right now isn't to teach or fix or explain; it's to keep everyone safe and help them calm their nervous system. Use minimal words: "I'm here," "You're safe." “This is hard.” Remove dangerous objects, get other kids somewhere else, if possible.
Focus on your child, not the spectators. I have been there: I know it can be mortifying when your child is out of control in public. But you cannot manage both your child’s emotional regulation AND the judgment or discomfort of everyone around you AND your own big feelings that everyone is watching and thinking you are an awful parent. Focus on what your child needs, even if it means other people are temporarily inconvenienced or tsking. If your child were having a medical emergency, you wouldn’t change how you handled it to impress some lady on the subway.
Give them time. Push any specific decision making, promises, or consequences until they are calm. You'll circle back later when they've regulated. Don't try to problem-solve, reason with them, or ask what's wrong during the meltdown. Say, “We can talk about this after we get home” or “Okay, we can be done now” if talking about it is the problem.
Give them space, or presence. If the environment is triggering them, get them out of there. If it’s people, separate them. Some kids do really well with being left alone in a safe space (if they are old enough, you can walk away entirely). If they don’t have someone to yell AT, these kids have an easier time calming; the meltdown kind of peters out. Other kids need presence; they’re the ones who will chase you, clinging. You probably already know which your child is. If they are dealing with panic/anxiety, you don’t want to abandon them. But even for kids who need you there, presence doesn’t mean you have to ENGAGE with yelling or meanness; you can be nearby without engaging. If you have to reply, find a phrase (“I’m right here; we’ll talk when you’re calm”) and just repeat it.
Give yourself space. You do not have to let yourself be screamed at or hit. You can say, “I am walking three steps back to keep my body safe,” or, if they are old enough and you are sure this is not a panic attack, you can say, “I am going to my room until you’re ready to talk without screaming.” I know it is really hard when kids attack physically, and prioritizing your own safety is important too.
Try the opposite of what you both feel like doing. Even if you feel like screaming back, keep your voice reassuring (I know it’s hard!); try not to add to the explosive energy with your own panic or anger. Tell them you see them trying (“This is hard and you’re trying so hard”), instead of telling them how bad they’re being. Instead of matching their energy or anger, offer to take care of them. If they can interact at all, offer them something nice. “I’m pouring a tea. Do you want a glass of milk?” If they’re angry at you, can you get them something else that comforts them (another adult? A favorite stuffed friend?). This doesn’t mean your ignoring the meltdown. You’re going to circle back. For now, you’re offering the comfort the meltdown needs.
Tell them yes (sort of). As in “Yes, we can talk about that later” even if you know you’re going to ultimately say no. “Yes, this is really frustrating.” “Yes, you really wanted to go for a walk” even when it was you who said they couldn’t. You’re using “yes” to make them feel like they’re getting something they want, even if they aren’t.
Distract them: If they’re calm enough to interact, try to engage their frontal lobe: get them counting, planning, collecting, naming things. “There are a LOT of people here. How many rows is this?” or even “Do we have any raspberries left in the fridge?” Or, try distracting them with something they like (you’re not bribing; you’re offering something you know usually helps them regulate). Sometimes a super quirky question can give them pause (“Oh, that plant looks like a pokemon! Which pokemon is that?”).
What to remember
Behind anything kids do that seems unexpected, frustrating, disruptive, or aggressive, there's an unmet need that, for whatever reason, they can't express in other, more sympathetic, or more effective ways. Instead of focusing on scolding or punishing kids for the things they say or do when they're at 60, it’s important to understand WHY they’re ramping up so quickly, so we can figure out how to help them.
If you want help figuring out what might be going on with your individual child or what to do about it, that’s what we do.
Schedule a one-on-one behaviour consultation.
Want to read more about what might be behind the behaviour? Start here.