“My child doesn’t listen.”
It’s finally bedtime, thank goodness. You tell your daughter three times to go get ready. This routine happens EVERY DAY. She's standing right there. She clearly could hear you. And yet... it doesn’ t happen.
You're exhausted. You desperately need her in bed so you can have five minutes to yourself. It feels like she's ignoring you, like she doesn't respect you, like she is being defiant when you need her to please, for the love of everything, just go brush her teeth.
Why won’t she just LISTEN?!
“My child doesn’t listen” is one of the most common concerns that bring parents to The Huddle for Families. Sometimes they mean their child truly doesn’t seem to be able to listen or hear. Most of the time, what they mean is “she doesn’t do what I say.” *
As with everything, when kids seem to be ignoring us, it's usually because something is getting in their way. Super frustrating, yes. But our job is to figure out what, so we can address the real problem, help her do the thing, and finally get to bed.
One thing to remember: Power struggles never help. Sometimes, when our kids aren’t doing the thing, our reflex is to turn up the volume. We use firmer voices, add consequences, make threats. Trust me: I have been there. But us getting less regulated rarely helps.
If something is getting in her way, whether it’s processing, anxiety, distraction, or depletion, adding pressure doesn’t remove the obstacle. It just adds another one. Instead of coming over the top, step sideways. Assume something is hard. Your job is to figure out what’s jamming the gears so she can actually move.
I realize the advice below requires MORE energy from you, and if we are talking about bedtime, it’s more energy when you yourself are depleted. Knowing that energy is better spent on strategies than on power struggles doesn't magically refill your tank. You do not need to do ALL of this. And you won’t have to do it forever. Choose 1-2 things and experiment for a week.
Scroll down to what sounds familiar (see the "You might notice" notes).
What might really be happening
Her brain hasn’t switched tracks yet.
You might notice:
The hardest part is getting her to stop what she was doing before the new directions.
Any transition is hard, even to something she loves.
She says, “You didn’t tell me” or “I didn’t hear you”
She seems to “come to” a few seconds after you speak.
Some kids’ brains struggle with shifting their attention or focus. You’re asking her to brush her teeth, but her whole brain is still in Lego world, so she genuinely doesn’t register what you’ve said. Or she registers it, but then it disappears because her focus on what she’s doing is so strong. Or she only registers it once your voice hits a certain volume or pitch.
What to try:
Make sure she’s with you before giving the directions. Put yourself in front of her (no yelling directions from the kitchen), make sure the game is paused or her hands are not still building Lego. You don’t need to force eye contact if that’s uncomfortable for her, but make sure you have her attention.
Ask her to confirm the directions, by repeating what you’ve said or looking at you or tapping on a visual cue.
Give the transition some time. Start with a 2 minute warning. When it’s time to transition, give her a little more time to make the switch.
Give her a nonverbal reminder. Use music or a visual timer to signal it’s time to transition (remember the clean up song from preschool?).
More ideas: Why are transitions so hard?
There’s a communication break down.
You might notice:
She seems to listen but never gets started.
She says, “What?” even though she clearly heard you.
Multi-step directions fall apart after she does the first step.
She goes upstairs, you hear nothing, you come up ten minutes later and she's standing in the bathroom holding her toothbrush but not sure what to do next
Your child’s brain has to figure out what each word you say means, what they mean together in that context, and then figure out what she’s supposed to do or say. Sometimes there’s a breakdown in the process.
Maybe she genuinely didn’t hear you clearly (a hearing check is always a good idea if you haven’t done one). Some kids genuinely struggle to orient to a voice calling their name. Maybe “get ready” isn’t specific enough for her to translate into separate steps. Or there are too many steps to process, so she just does the first one and hopes for the best.
Maybe she’s still processing what you’ve said. By the time she’s worked through it, you’re understandably frustrated and repeat the directions, or rephrase them. Now she has more information to process.
There are a lot of things that can make processing language hard enough that it looks like a child isn't listening: exhaustion, stress, ADHD, autism, auditory processing differences. But these kids usually are listening. They're just working much harder than it looks to figure out what you said and what they're supposed to do about it.
What to try:
Time. Most kids could do with more time to process our questions or directions. Give the direction, then wait. Count to ten sloooowly in your head. Then, if you feel you need to repeat, say the exact same words. Don’t stack more language on top of what she’s already processing.
Use fewer words and give one specific direction at a time. “Pajamas on” not “Okay, it’s bedtime, so go get yourself ready – don’t forget to bring up your water bottle – and I’ll be there in ten.”
Give her other ways to access the information. Visual routines are great for this. Hang the “bedtime list” with pictures on her wall and point to the steps as you say each one.
Read more: Understanding Communication
The thing really is too hard.
You might notice:
She does parts of the task, but gets stuck on (or protests about) the same step every time.
She follows directions just fine in other contexts.
She falls apart, gets frustrated, or says, “I need help!”
She goes to do the thing, and you find her ten minutes later putting hair clips on the dog
Maybe her body genuinely can't do this on its own right now, even if that seems impossible given that she's done it a hundred times. Her fingers don’t work well enough to get the toothpaste on the brush.
Or maybe her brain simply cannot, or cannot right now when she’s exhausted or depleted from doing things the whole day. School was really hard, and she has zero capacity left for multi-step directions. Maybe the planning involved is too complicated; she knows she has to tidy the toys, but the path to get from this mess to tidy is impossible to imagine (we’ve all been there).
Maybe it’s the focus that’s hard: She has the skills, but the world is full of distractions (the dog is RIGHT THERE!). Her executive function can’t stick with the less fascinating goal of getting ready for bed.
What to try:
Lower the bar. Make the task easier. Give her one direction at a time. Be flexible about what’s essential for her to do (or to do independently) and what can be shelved for now
Start the task. Hand her the pajamas, put the toothpaste on for her.
Step in right before she usually gets stuck, to get her over the hump, or finish tasks she usually can’t finish.
Help it stay in her head. Make up a chant with the sequence of tasks or things she needs to remember, and put the fun part last (“Toothbrush, pajamas, story! Toothbrush, pajamas, story!”).
Read more: Lower the bar.
Her anxiety is louder than the directions.
You might notice:
Clinginess, tears, sudden desire to tell you you’re the best mom in the world
She’s fine when doing the things sometimes, but falls apart when she has to do them in certain contexts or at bedtime
She becomes a master procrastinator or distractor: you give the directions, she starts negotiating, and somehow it’s you putting hairclips on dog to get her to go to bed
She yells or screams (signs of fight mode)
When we get anxious or overwhelmed, our thinking brains go offline. If she’s fighting, escaping, or simply not doing the thing, it’s worth pondering if something has her stressed out.
Maybe it’s something specific to the task: she’s anxious about going upstairs alone or the sound of the bath. Or maybe she’s as stressed as you are about the fight that always happens around pajamas.
Maybe it's what comes after that has her worried: being left alone in her room, nightmares, the loss of control during sleep. Her nervous system is responding to that future threat right now, ramping her up and flooding her with "do something!" signals. Delaying bedtime might feel like self-protection.
What to try:
Help her system settle. Her nervous system is loud right now, and it needs something to bring it down before she can do much of anything. Go with her if you can. You don't have to do everything for her; just be there. Stand in the bathroom while she brushes her teeth. Your presence might be the thing that makes it possible, and you won't have to do this forever. If you can't be there (other kids!), find her a substitute: a lovey, a flashlight, an audiobook, a favorite song. Anything to help anxiety loosen its grip a bit.
Find out what specifically is worrying her, if you can. Is it being alone upstairs? A noise? What happens after you leave? Ask her about it at a calm moment. Not in the middle of the struggle, not right before bed. "I've noticed bedtime feels hard lately. Is something bugging you about it?" Sometimes kids know exactly what's worrying them and just need an opening. Sometimes the fear is something you can address: a nightlight, a check-in promise ("I'll come back in five minutes"), leaving the door open. You can't fix the worry, but sometimes you can remove the specific obstacle it's latched onto.
Read more: Understanding Anxiety.
Her nervous system perceives directions as threats.
You might notice:
It seems like ANY directions or demands immediately escalate into power struggles.
The resistance feels disproportionate to the request. Even simple asks trigger huge reactions.
You ask her to do something that has to happen EVERY day, and it’s still a battle.
She does the same task fine when she chooses to do it.
Some kids (especially autistic kids, but others too) have nervous systems that interpret demands as threats, even reasonable demands that they WANT to comply with. It’s not conscious or defiant. Their fight-or-flight response misfires, so you say, “please,” and her system floods with “DANGER, RESIST.” The more you push, even gently, the more her system locks up.
The really unfair part for everyone: the standard toolkit (clear expectations, consistent consequences, reward charts, a firm voice) tends to pour gasoline on this particular fire. The more "correct" you are, the harder she resists. Which is maddening, and also leaves parents convinced they’ve broken something, or are broken themselves.
What to try:
Step out of the power struggle. You might be able to overpower her – carry her upstairs, threaten something big enough that she complies. But that won’t calm her nervous system. It teaches it "escalate faster next time." The road to authority isn't overpowering. It's reducing what her system has to fight against, so you get her where she needs to be.
Reduce demands as much as you can. This doesn’t mean letting your child run the house. It means deciding in advance what is essential and what you can let go. Do this BEFORE the power struggle: you are not “giving in;” you are proactively lowering the demands her system has to deal with.
Give her control where you can. "What should we do first?" Offer choices instead of directions if possible. “I see it’s pretty cold. I’m bringing gloves. Do you want some?”
Make it a “we.” Race her upstairs, do your teeth alongside hers, use "we" and "let's" constantly. The demand fades when you're doing it together.
Narrate instead of direct. "I'm heading upstairs" instead of "go upstairs." Or just start doing it with her ("I'm putting my toothpaste on, I'll do yours too") without making it a request at all.
Remember
This isn't about making her listen. It's about figuring out what's making it hard. When you shift from "she won't" to "she can't (yet)," your very valid frustration has somewhere useful to go: toward the problem, instead of at each other.
Still not sure what’s getting in the way?
Let’s talk about it one-on-one. It’s free, confidential, and online.
*If your child genuinely doesn't seem to register your voice at all (i.e., it’s not a following-directions issue, more like you don't seem to exist), that's a different puzzle that I’ll explore separately soon (or, let’s talk one-on-one).