Lower the Bar

You figured it out! You were a relentless detective, and you’ve got a strong idea of what’s making things hard for your child. Hurrah!  Now what?!

Picture this: you’re playing a game with your child. The goal is to literally jump over a broomstick or bar. They can’t do it. The bar is too high.

This is where you and your child are right now. We know they are already trying as HARD as they can. If they’re not jumping over that bar, it’s too high. There’s an easy solution: lower the bar.

This is a no-brainer in the metaphor. You hold the bar a little lower, to a place where you know they can do it, and let them practice there for a while before trying a slightly higher level. You would never leave the bar too high, encouraging them cheerfully, offering them rewards to motivate them to jump something they simply can’t. You lower the bar. You trust that they’ll practice at the lower level and build the muscles they need to jump higher.

In real life, this means temporarily lowering our expectations, maybe even eliminating them all together. It means allowing your child to work at a level you know they can achieve, trusting they will get stronger and gradually raising the bar as they do. It means dropping ideas of what children “should” be able to do and being realistic about what your specific and amazing child CAN do.

How do I lower the bar?? Here are some ideas:

Start where they are. Reduce the task to a level you know they can achieve. Make it easy while they gain confidence and maybe reduce the anxiety they have built around this thing we’ve been asking them to do every day even though they can’t do it. This has the added benefit of letting you raise the bar slowly, in specific ways that allow you to test to see where things fall apart, so you can better help fix the problem. If they consistently fall apart ¾ through the math work, let them only do ½ of it and build from there. If they can get dressed entirely but melt down over zippers, start the zipper for them, and let them finish the job. You don’t run a marathon without spending many weeks running not nearly that far.

Separate the expectations. Tackle one challenge at a time. If a task has many expectations, can you separate them so your child only has to work on a few at once? If they can’t sit still for 15 minutes for silent reading, can they practice reading aloud while dancing around the living room, and then practice the sitting still and silent part another way? Can you practice reading comprehension and discussion on books you read aloud to them, so you’re separating the need to decode from the need to understand? If your teenager can’t write the essay, can they TELL you the thesis and what supports it, and you record it for them, so they can feel like they’ve started a first draft?

Offer selective help. You’re not doing it for them; you’re offering assistance as needed. You start the zipper, and let them pull it up. They start tying their shoes, and you double-knot them. For regular tasks that spark regular meltdowns, you can say, “Do you want to try it yourself or would you like me to help?” You can start with the first steps of the task, if that’s what they need. Some kids like this because it helps them get going. Or, you step in to help them finish the last steps. Other kids like this because the task is already less overwhelming when it’s their turn. Either way, gradually turn steps over to them until they can do it themselves. Give them a ride into the washroom and put the toothpaste on the brush for them, but let them do the brushing. Send them to do the easy math problems, then step in to help with the rest.

Drop the expectation entirely (for now). If it’s truly too hard, as evidenced by the fact that it’s not working, drop it for now. If they can’t swim, get them out of the deep end. Do this PROACTIVELY and for real. This means everyone involved agrees this thing is not an expectation for now. It doesn’t mean trying to get the kid to do the thing every day and then giving in when they can’t, or looking longingly at the thing and clearing your throat and hoping. This only perpetuates anxiety and, honestly, reinforces the escapist benefits of however they are protesting or showing they are overtasked. Instead, you’re going to agree that, for now, the lunch room is not a thing your child is going to be asked to do. You’re going to tell your child this with no disappointment or frustration. There is simply a point past which you cannot lower the bar except to say, “This is too hard, let’s jump together with no bar or go play lego.”

But doesn’t this mean I’m “giving in”? Lowering the bar is NOT a sign of weakness. Quite the opposite: it is a sign that you understand your child and believe in their potential to grow and learn. It’s a sign you are strong enough to stand up to a world that places so many “standardized measures” and “milestones” on real children who grow and learn in varied and disparate and asynchronous ways. You are showing your child all of this, and also showing them that you have their back and think they are fundamentally capable, and that you know they are trying as hard as they can.

But doesn’t this mean they’ll “never learn”? First of all, if they are failing to the point of frustration or overwhelm every time they try, they’re not learning now. Or, rather, they are learning that they stink at this and maybe it’s not for them. Second of all, this is actually how humans learn best, by starting with something just on the other side of easily achievable and practicing, gradually making things harder as we get better. You’re going to celebrate the heck out of every win, even if they are far below what kids that age are “supposed” to be able to do. You’re releasing your child from the stress and anxiety surrounding the task so they can focus on learning it, which is the ONLY way they’re going to have the perseverance they need to figure it out.

The elephant in the room: Maybe they are never going to be able to do this. Maybe being in a music class with 29 other 8 year-olds playing recorder poorly is ALWAYS going to be too much for them (it is for me). Lowering the bar or dropping the expectation is STILL the best thing to do: you are helping them understand themselves and what they need. You are showing them they deserve support and understanding from others. And, you are giving them a vocabulary for asking for it. These are the pillars of self-advocacy in any situation, for any child. And they are far more important to learn than the recorder.

Want ideas for lowering the bar or help figuring out why it’s so hard in the first place? That’s what we do. Talk it out with me 1:1 (office hours are free for now).

Want to meet some other nonjudgmental, ready-to-help parents whose kids are having trouble metaphorically jumping? Find your Huddle.

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