Figuring out what’s making it hard
“Okay, I know this is not my fault, and my child’s behaviour is just their way of communicating that they need something. But how do I figure out what that is??”
Start with two questions:
What is your child supposed to be doing that they can’t do?
What might be making it hard?
To answer these, you become a detective, investigating characters, setting, and clues.
Start with your child. Ross Greene has fantastic resources for doing this, so I’ll be brief (do go check him out). Make sure you approach with no judgment, no punishment, no disappointment. Wait until they’ve recovered from the school day, then say something like, “Hey buddy, it seems like it’s been really hard in math class this week. What’s up?”* Then you listen, ask questions, and take seriously whatever they say, even if it seems unlikely.
What if they say, “I don’t know?” We don’t always know what’s bothering us. They may not have the self-awareness to know. I liken it to being hangry: I hate everyone and everything, but I don’t always realize it’s because I’m hungry until I eat and feel better. Oops.
They may not have the right words, especially if it’s something the neurotypical people who created language don’t experience. They may not be able to say, “I felt out of whack because we did music before math and the order of the day was all wrong.” Or they may worry that if they tell you, the magic they believe keeps them safe will break; they can’t say, “I couldn’t take the other staircase because every day I touch the bannister on our staircase, and that’s what keeps me safe at school.”
How to help, then? Try some guesses. “Hmm, so for some kids, math is hard because there are a lot of directions and they can’t keep them straight, or for some kids, sitting still for all of math is way too hard for their bodies, and for some kids, it’s super hard to work at a table with other kids making noise.” (Can’t think of guesses? We can brainstorm together.)
Take their ideas seriously, even if they are clearly not the problem (someday I’ll tell you about my kindergartner’s trip to the principal for failure to follow directions because “my hair was in my ear, so I couldn’t hear anything”). Most importantly, you’re going to reassure them that they’re not in trouble, you know they are trying, and they are not alone: you are going to figure this out together.
If your child really can’t say, or won’t engage in the conversation (do we adults like to engage in conversations about mistakes we’ve made?) you need to interview more characters. Start with the teacher (or with yourself, if it’s happening at home):
Where/when are problems happening?
What are the patterns?
Your teacher might say there are no patterns, no warning signs, it’s “0-60” or “all day long.” This is highly unlikely. Your child is not walking into the school building screaming, smacking people for 8 straight hours while still screaming, and going home.
Pick a specific instance or repeated issue, and get a picture of the scene before the incidents:
What is the setting? What time of day?
Who is there? How many people? How loud is it?
Is something different from the routine?
What is your child supposed to do, specifically, that they aren’t doing?
What warning signs or first attempts to ask for help are there? What seems to calm them down?
You are looking to put yourself in your child’s shoes fully, so you can see where the sticking points might be.
Once you have a picture of the scene, it may be obvious what’s hard (it’s always in French, it’s super hot in the French room, and your kid has sensory issues around heat). Or, you may need further detective work. This is where a diagnosis can be helpful, if your child has one: diagnoses aren’t exact descriptions of any one person, but they offer a place to start.
What things are typically difficult or different for people with this diagnosis? The best place to find out is from people with that diagnosis. Find people on social media who are #actuallyautistic or have ADHD or OCD or sensory processing issues or anything else, and read what they have to say about their experiences. You might get great ideas about what will help. You will certainly have a better understanding of aspects of your child’s experience.
Once you have some solid ideas, it’s time to start trying things out (start by Lowering the Bar).
Most of all, please remember your child is trying as hard as they can, and so are you. And neither of you is in this alone.
* This is not a perfect Ross Greene question, I know, but sometimes we don’t know what’s going on enough to be more specific.