“She just wants attention”
People say things like:
“He’s the class clown.”
“She’s disruptive” or “She monopolizes class time.”
“It’s attention-seeking behaviour.”
But, given that we know no child is trying to be disruptive or frustrating, what might really be going on? Some ideas:
Connection
Sometimes a child needs connection or a moment of recognition from a teacher, and “acting out” is the most reliable option. Sometimes they’re hoping to connect with peers by making them laugh. They don’t realize the teacher’s attention is anger, or that the laughing class is wary of the naughtiness or unpredictability. They’re just looking for social interaction, and they can’t always use more effective, sympathetic ways to get it. They call out answers or monologue when it’s their turn, and they interrupt or make inappropriate jokes. When you can’t get connection other ways, even scolding or scowling might seem like a good thing.
Escape
Maybe the work is boring, since they’ve already mastered the concept. Maybe it’s frustratingly difficult, and they’re mortified because they “should” be able to do it. Maybe there are too many steps, or they aren’t sure of the directions at all. Maybe they’re riddled with anxiety. Maybe they simply cannot sit still in this uncomfortable, straight chair another second.
It might not even be conscious, but disrupting the lesson, distracting the teacher, and getting sent away are super effective means to escape when you can’t ask for help in better ways.
Discomfort
Maybe they are physically super uncomfortable for some reason and truly can’t stay still and quiet.
Or, maybe this topic has them super uncomfortable or scared. As kids get older, they vary in their ability to handle increasingly mature subject matter. More serious topics, more deeply emotional conversations (even when they’re about other people), more frightening stories from real life -- all these can make kids (and grown ups!) itchy with discomfort, unable to regulate, and ready to disrupt.
Desire to share information
Some kids (and adults) want to share things they know as a way of making friends or creating a connection in a conversation. It might seem to teachers or peers like the child is “monopolizing the conversation,” but maybe the child is offering their knowledge like a gift. Maybe they don’t mean to be selfish or to “hog” the spotlight, but instead are engaging in their own, divergent communicative patterns. Maybe they need to speak aloud to process their thoughts and learning about something they find super interesting and hope others will too. Maybe what feels like one-sided conversation to some people is actually an attempt at the opposite.
Social anxiety
Maybe a child knows they struggle to interact socially with peers. Maybe they’ve missed cues or conversational transitions enough to be constantly anxious that they’re about to be “in trouble” or laughed at for something they didn’t even realize was different or wrong.
Maybe, given all that, it’s easier to intentionally flout social rules, make inappropriate jokes, or monologue without letting others speak, because at least it offers some control over the situation and some predictability to others’ reactions.
It’s not “attention” kids are seeking. It’s connection or help. Or, it’s simply a different way of trying to create social interaction.
Either way, as with other “behaviour,” attention-seeking reveals unmet needs that, for whatever reason, kids can’t express in more sympathetic or effective ways.
Want help figuring out why a child might seem to be seeking attention, and how to help? That’s what we do.
Come to a Huddle, and join other parents with similar questions. We’ll share, problem-solve, get advice, and laugh a little to make it all less stressful.
Talk 1:1 to someone with experience as both a teacher and a parent, and get individualized advice for you and your child.
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