ADHD: Real Life Strategies for Your Real Life Child
[Read Part 1: Understanding ADHD is here]
[TL;DR? See our ADHD Quick Guide: 5 things to know, look for, and try]
These strategies aren’t about “fixing” your kid. ADHD is part of who they are. They’re about making the hard parts easier, so their own amazingness can show up more often.
You don't need to do ALL of this. Pick what feels most urgent or most doable, start there, and know that we're here to help.
Strategies to Support the Brain
Medication
I don’t usually advocate hard for given strategies. And I'm not a doctor. But Edward Hallowell is, and he said:
"Opting not to even try medication [for ADHD] is like saying to your eye doctor, 'Let's try a year of squinting before we try eyeglasses.'"
(ADDitude Magazine, Fall 2024. ADDitude is a good place to read very general info about ADHD, and this series on meds was interesting.)
I understand that ADHD medication isn’t for everyone. It doesn’t even work for some percentage of the population. Just make sure you are skipping it for solid, informed reasons like medical contraindications, careful consideration with your doctor, or trying other evidence-based approaches first, and not because of anecdotes or myths.
Common myths to ignore:
Meds won't lead to addiction (possibly the opposite, in fact).
Meds won't change who they are. In fact, it may allow them to be more present as themselves and bring out their strengths. As one mom told me, "I was worried it would blunt his personality, but it's letting his real self shine so much more.” If your child feels “flat,” talk to the doctor and find something else to try.
These aren’t new drugs for which we don’t know the long term effects on the brain.
Truths: Finding the right medication takes trial and error. Some are stimulants, some are not; both can work. There are time-release options and single dose ones. Getting your kid to take meds can ruin the whole morning.
It is absolutely okay to set up your child’s meds based on what is likely to actually happen in your real life (if they take the meds better at school, but give you a hard time at home, great, do that). It is also okay to make sure the effects of the meds extend past the school day, so the evenings at home aren’t a nightmare for everyone.
Regardless of how well meds work, they should only be PART of your plan, and many of the below strategies are as evidenced-based as some meds.
Lifestyle
Movement
Getting the wiggles out isn't a myth. Exercise and movement have been proven to help with many ADHD symptoms.
What helps:
Physical activity (moderate-to-vigorous, 20-30 minutes daily)
Movement breaks throughout the day, not just at recess
Activities that require coordination and focus (martial arts, dance, climbing)
Short bursts of big, fast, or heavy push movements to reset focus: jumping jacks between math problems, race to the school door, trampoline before bedtime, swings, rowing machine, giving a sibling a “horsey ride”
Fidget chairs, wiggle seats, standing desks. These aren’t just to get the jumpies out; many kids need a little movement to be able to focus. Let them do laps or jiggle their legs while they read.
Sleep
Sleep is HUGE. Sleep problems are both a symptom of ADHD and make ADHD harder. Again, talk to your doctor, and if your doctor isn’t interested, talk to a sleep specialist. Dr. Craig Canapari has excellent information on this.
Get them off the screens
It’s so hard. I know. And also, there’s growing evidence that more screen time correlates with worsened ADHD symptoms, especially impulsivity. Not just that awful transition when it’s time to turn them off, but throughout the rest of the day. At the very least, silo it into designated times (we are not ”just real quick checking something” all day long), and don’t let it happen before school.
Inspiration: my own young adult child recently THANKED ME for all the screen time limits I had when they were younger, even though at the time I was apparently the worstest, most tyrannical mom ever.
Nutrition
Despite what’s online, there's little scientific evidence that specific diets or supplements significantly help ADHD. The exception might be omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil), which show possible modest benefits in some studies.
What matters:
Consistent meals (hunger can make ADHD worse)
Protein, especially at breakfast (not just for kids with ADHD)
Limiting sugar spikes and crashes
Nature
This one isn't just "it's nice to get outside." Time in nature has been proven to mitigate ADHD symptoms. Get them outside in as much nature as you can find, every day, even in winter.
Shape the Environment or Task
As always, our best line of support is adapting the environment or the task that is overwhelming the child. They’re trying their hardest, so if it’s not working, it’s not them that needs to change. Most of these strategies are totally appropriate to ask for at school (I have used all of them in classrooms, so it’s possible).
Reduce the Load
When it feels like too much, it probably is.
Ways to reduce the load (more ideas here):
Prioritize what actually matters. Choose your moments of correction, your activities, their obligations.
Simplify routines: eliminate steps, make it easier for them.
Give them extra time, “buffer” time in case things take longer, wait time to process directions
Reduce the number of decisions they need to make, especially at known hard times. Offer fewer choices for everything from outfits to snacks to camps.
Do some things for them, for now. Not giving in and grumpily tying the shoes, but asking, without judgement, “Would it be easier if I tied your shoes?”
Let some things go entirely. Drop some battles. You can always come back to them.
Externalize the Executive Function They Don't Have
Your child's brain doesn’t hold or process information like a neurotypical brain. Store the information outside their brain. Then help them use and manage the systems.
Make it visible (visual timers and schedules, post-it notes on the mirror or the door, laminated checklists of steps they need to take, posted routines). In general, it’s great to give kids information verbally and visually (visuals don’t disappear, so they can check back if they didn’t get everything).
Use organizational frameworks (calendars, assignment planners, mind maps, fill-in-the-blanks outlines for writing assignments, giant white boards or chart paper to capture their nonlinear thoughts, mnemonic devices, note-taking systems)
Make it easy to capture so they don’t try to just remember (voice memos, reminders app, “hey siri,” white board near the door, keychain notepad and pen on the backpack).
Lend them someone else’s executive function
Sometimes the accommodation is another person: you, another adult, a tutor, a sibling…
Body doubling (someone else present and focused on their own work)
Buddy system for remembering things (an older child asking “do you have your lunch?” every day on the way to the bus)
A sidekick for difficult situations, so they have someone they trust. We all hate going to rooms full of strangers alone, and anxiety is no friend to self-regulation.
Model the skills you’re hoping they will learn, speaking your own thoughts aloud. Even better, do these things WITH them, asking the questions and letting them shape the plan.
Work backwards from the end goal to create a project plan and/or timeline
Break the plan into small steps and decide what to do first
Create mini-deadlines in extended projects, if they need urgency for focus
Gather the materials and set up the workspace
Have a system to review that you have everything before leaving the house (my kids got tired of my “Got my coat, got my hat…” song)
Have a joint weekly planning session for homework and life
Give them scripts for difficult situations, so your thoughtful scripts become the impulse instead of something less helpful
Set Up the Physical Space
Arrange things they need so they make a trail to where you want them to go (toothbrush in the washroom near the door so they don’t have to go back upstairs, shoes before coats before hook with the backpack); then, at the end of the day, they can walk the trail backwards replacing them.
Backpacks with lots of pockets so things have a special place, including one pocket labelled “CHECK ME.”
Label and/or color code drawers, bins, hooks, and shelves, with pictures if needed. Works also for binders, files, and assignment sheets.
Use bigger bins, divided into broader categories. Let them decide the categories.
Designate "okay to be cluttered" spaces. Some kids feel safer in clutter (mine, sigh).
Create a focus space.
Reduce visual distractions, remove extraneous items
Seat them away from high-traffic areas, use dividers or folding presentations boards for privacy
Offer special seating so they can move while they work (wobble stools, exercise balls, standing desks, wiggle cushions, physioband around the legs of the chair to kick at)
Make it quiet, use white noise, or offer headphones. OR, play music or coffee shop noise, which helps some kids focus
Use parental controls to turn off enticing websites and apps
Get Them Started
Starting is often the hardest part. Lower the barrier to entry:
Let them do the easiest or most interesting part first
Hide most of the overwhelming project or assignment, so they can focus on the first step. Cut worksheets into strips, so they only have to see a handful of problems at a time.
Use three dice to determine how long they will sit down and work for. Pretend to be disappointed when they “only” sit down for 7 minutes to do something they were fighting about doing at all. After a break, roll again.
Ask them to talk out what they want to write about, record or type what they say, then show them they already started.
For some kids (mine), all the breaking tasks up just stresses them out that they are going to have to do this thing they don’t want to do every day until the end of time. They do better being sent off with a pressing deadline.
Build Connection and Agency
Don’t ignore the social-emotional struggles
ADHD makes social interactions harder; kids miss subtle cues, interrupt, get stuck on topics, or blurt impulsive things they immediately regret. The accumulation of social missteps and being told you're 'too much' can damage self-esteem and increase social anxiety. Add in rejection sensitivity, emotional intensity, and dysregulation, and a history of being corrected or shamed, and it’s essential to address the social-emotional piece.
Teach them social-emotional strategies
Use social stories to practice tricky situations. Make stuffed friends go to Aunt Linda’s. Make the Lego guy accidentally knock a friend’s tower over and apologize. Use books. It’s easier to talk about these situations when they aren’t really you.
Labeling emotions goes a long way to being able to regulate them, and labeling struggles is the first step to self-advocacy. Help them. “You seem like you’re feeling fidgety in your body.” “Oh, you must be so FRUSTRATED.” “Sometimes at school, kids feel like everyone’s staring at them.”
It’s great, especially, if you have some of their same struggles and can articulate that: “This work project is big! I’m having that IT’S TOO MUCH overwhelmed feeling.”
Use frameworks for managing feelings. I like Zones of Regulation, because it doesn’t label feelings as “bad,” and it doesn’t only focus on anger.
Teach them self-regulation skills (breathing practices, mindfulness, self-talk scripts, diverting the frantic energy elsewhere)
Be the soft landing sometimes.
It’s easy to feel like they’re making mistakes in super frustrating ways ALL the time, especially if you’re exhausted and you come home from work to blueberry sauce on the cat. Try to choose your battles, live with some things, and set boundaries to eliminate things you really can’t tolerate that you want to stop scolding them about.
Share in their favorite activities, in the way they want you to, without trying to teach them anything or get them to talk or make them use the toys the right way. Just sit quietly with them and tear the paper into bits, if that’s what they’re doing. Be their break from people trying to fix them.
Catch them trying, or doing well, and describe what you see, even if it’s something you think they “should” be able to do easily
Celebrate the ways you yourself are “different,” especially if they’re something you share
Tell them you know they are trying their hardest, you have their back, and when things go south, it’s because they need more support, not that they’re a failure.
Get Their Input
"Every teacher wants to break down the task for me, but I have my own process, and they never break it down the way I would."
Set up the notebook, the space, the project how THEY think it should go. Ask questions to get them to make the plan instead of doing it for them.
They’re going to create plans that seem doomed. Let them. They’ll be surprise successes or learning experiences.
Ask THEM what the hard parts are. Ask what they need. Give them practice asking for accommodations or assistance. You're modeling that they deserve support, and teaching them to advocate for themselves.
Get professional help.
Therapists for emotional regulation and rejection sensitivity. Occupational therapists for daily living skills. ADHD coaches for organization and more.
Someone besides you to teach the skills and hold them to the plan, so sometimes you can just be their parent.
Don't Do All of This!!
Don’t even try. Being too exhausted to parent is not going to help anyone’s ADHD.
Start with one or two things that feel most pressing or doable: a visual timer, calling the doctor about medication, letting go of nightly homework completion.
You don't have to do this alone. That's what The Huddle for Families is here for: to help you figure out what your child needs, connect you with other families who understand, and remind you that needing help isn't failing, for your child or for you. Find a time to talk to me 1:1 if you need it.
You've got this.