Figuring out what’s hard: 9 factors to consider first
You know children’s behaviour communicates a struggle or unmet need (and your child's behaviour is literally screaming it). You’ve tried talking to your child about it collaboratively, but you just get "I don't know!" The teacher keeps handing you sticker charts. Your neighbour thinks it’s a vitamin deficiency, the school blames your parenting, and you're at a loss. You're not a special educator, therapist, or diagnostician: how are you supposed to figure out what might be going on?
Here's our list of 9 things to consider first when you're trying to figure it out. We created this alongside teachers, doctors, and other parents who've been exactly where you are. Start here before assuming it's a discipline issue or looking at other things. Remember: You’re not trying to diagnose your child; you’re just gathering clues for what to explore next
1. Medical factors
Illness, pain, or discomfort can make everything harder. Chronic headaches, stomachaches, any physical discomfort (even mild, ongoing pain) affect a child's ability to focus, regulate, and cope. Seizure activity can impact behavior and attention. Low muscle tone can make it hard to sit up, hold a pencil, or be careful with others’ bodies. If your child seems to struggle more at certain times of day or has physical complaints alongside behavioural challenges, talk to your doctor.
2. Hearing or vision challenges
Kids can have trouble with actually hearing or seeing things (the physical intake), or with processing that information once it comes in. Even when hearing and vision tests come back "fine," some kids strain so hard to see or hear that it causes tension headaches or exhaustion by the end of the day. If your child seems to work really hard to follow along, gets frustrated easily with reading or listening tasks, or complains about headaches, get their hearing and vision checked. Mention that you're wondering about processing, not just acuity.
3. Sleep
If they're not sleeping, everything is harder. It takes energy to be at school, to listen and process directions, to play and be patient with others. No sleep, no energy for those things. The links between ADHD symptoms and disrupted sleep are significant. Even if they seem to be sleeping, are they sleeping soundly? Can you hear them snoring or gasping down the hall? That might mean they're not getting quality sleep even though they're in bed for enough hours. Talk to a doctor about sleep quality, not just quantity.
4. Cognitive or learning challenges
If your child seems to have the capacity to do the work but isn't, make sure they don't have a learning disability or processing challenge making it hard. Dyslexia is the most well-known example, but there are others: dyscalculia (math), dysgraphia (writing), auditory processing disorder, and more. Sometimes what looks like ADHD or behaviour issues is actually a child struggling to keep up with work they can't access. If your child seems to have the capacity but schoolwork is consistently hard in specific ways, ask for detailed psychoeducational testing.
5. Communication struggles
Communication requires a lot of steps: taking in information, processing what it means, deciding how to respond, formulating an answer, and making your mouth say it. If any of these steps are hard — whether because of a second language, autism, processing delays, or speech motor planning issues — communication breaks down. So much "behaviour" comes from kids who can't understand or communicate in typical ways. They're frustrated, they don’t get your directions, they can't ask for help, they can't explain what's wrong, so they show you the only way they can.
6. Sensory struggles
Some kids process sensory input differently. They might be oversensitive (sounds hurt, light touch feels like a slap, heat is unbearable) or undersensitive (they seek crashing, noise, deep pressure to feel regulated). Kids often don't know they're experiencing things differently than everyone else, or they can't explain what's bothering them. It’s like being hangry without realizing you're hungry. Sensory struggles can make everyday environments genuinely overwhelming or leave kids constantly seeking more input to feel okay. This is something to talk to an OT about.
7. Anxiety, OCD, or panic
Anxiety doesn't always look like fear or worry. Sometimes it looks like anger, controlling behavior, perfectionism, or avoidance. Kids might be anxious about something that's actually terrible (being bullied) or something unlikely (convinced the building will explode). Either way, the fear feels real to them. OCD can make kids feel like they have to do certain things to keep everyone safe, and they might not be able to explain why. Panic can come out of nowhere and make kids desperate to escape. When anxiety is driving behavior, typical calming strategies often backfire—they can make kids feel unheard or more panicked. Learn more in our Anxiety series.
8. ADHD and executive function struggles
ADHD isn't just hyperactivity (though that's hard enough). It also shows up as difficulty with working memory, planning and executing tasks, impulse control, and directing attention deliberately. Some kids can't focus. Others hyperfocus and can't shift attention away. The physical hyperactivity isn't just "wanting to move;” for many people it's experienced as agitation, a body that NEEDS to move and sends that message constantly. Kids with ADHD might also move without even knowing it (leg jiggling, fidgeting). Executive function challenges affect a child's ability to start tasks, remember multi-step directions, organize their materials or thoughts, and manage their time. Impulse control issues can mean kids DO the thing before they even realize they should probably decide if it's a good idea, so all the retroactive punishment in the world won't help. Controlling or accommodating for ADHD symptoms is a game changer for lots of kids.
9. History of trauma or chronic failure
Trauma (whether it's a single event or chronic stress) actually changes how the brain and body work, making it harder to learn, regulate emotions, and feel safe. Being shamed, excluded, or restrained daily is traumatic, and it affects how kids approach new situations. Even if they seem happy-go-lucky on the surface, past experiences shape their expectations and responses. Chronic failure teaches kids that they can't do things, which affects their ability to try. If your child has been in trouble every day since preschool, they might be starting every day with a lower chance of success.
What's NOT on this list
Parental failure
Growing up in an "alternative" family structure
Being "spoiled" or "oppositional" or "difficult"
The teacher being mean
Not enough essential oils
Look, I'm not saying these things don't matter or that stress doesn't affect kids. Of course divorce is hard. Of course being yelled at is real. But here's the thing: all over the world, kids are dealing with stressed parents, divorced families, new schools, and microplastics without falling apart every day at lunch.
Start with these medical, developmental, and neurological possibilities first. Once you have ruled out or addressed hearing loss, anxiety, ADHD, whatever it is, then you can work on other stressors if needed. But blaming yourself, your child, or your family situation first just delays getting your kid actual help.
Still trying to piece it together? Let's talk. Schedule a 1:1 conversation with me to walk through what you're seeing and get clarity on what might actually be going on.