Understanding depression in children and teens
Note: The end of this article includes a brief discussion of self-harm and suicidal thinking. If you're not in a place to read that today, skip the last section. Real-life strategies for helping kids with depression are here, and crisis resources are at the bottom of both articles.
So much of what we do at The Huddle is try to protect kids' mental health, their sense of themselves, to make sure the story they're building about who they are is not written by their worst days, or other people's impatience, or a world that wasn't quite built for them.
But it’s not realistic (as much as I hate it) to think we can protect our kids entirely from mental health struggles, especially when the world is the way it is. The key, as with everything else, is to understand what they might be experiencing, to know how depression might manifest, and to make sure the things you do to help are actually helpful for your real-life child or teen.
Parents, this article is mostly about kids. But also about us. If you’re reading and recognizing yourself, I hope it helps to know I’ve been there. Please keep going.
Also, I am going to try to be a little funny about some of this. It’s not because I don’t take it seriously. Humor is a coping mechanism, and sometimes it helps us recognize when depression is lying to us.
What to understand about depression
It's real
Depression is a real thing like ADHD and autism and spraining your ankle. Actually, the sprained ankle comparison is good. You can walk on a badly sprained ankle (if you had to, like in a fire) but not well, and pushing through is only going to make it worse. Depression can be genuinely disabling.
Additionally, with depression and sprained ankles, even those of us who KNOW BETTER, somewhere inside, have a judge that always defaults to: I should be able to do this. If I just tried harder, I wouldn’t be letting everyone down. If I weren’t so weak, this wouldn't be a thing. It's just a sprain.
My family and I have battled some nasty depression at various times. And if I'm brutally honest, when I'm not the one in it, it's easy for me to think, “C’mon, you just need to get up and go for a walk and get some sleep and do the things.” And also, when I have been in it, those things seem so freaking overwhelming and hard.
Especially because depression is a mean liar.
Depression is a mean liar
One of the most important things to understand about depression - in kids and adults - is that it often comes with an internal voice. And that voice is a liar.
It tells you you’re stupid, that you’re weak for needing support. That everyone hates you, that your friends are all just pretending to like you for some reason.
And many things that are much, much worse. A lot of kids don’t walk around thinking “I’m depressed.” They think they’re lazy, annoying, exhausted, broken, stupid, dramatic, or failing.
Also, depression is alarmingly good at self-preservation. It’s like a bad partner you can’t get away from who tells you nobody will ever love you like they do. So when your rational brain thinks, “Okay, this feels like depression. We’d better go for a walk and get off the screen and do the things that are good for us,” depression fights you.
It says those things don’t really help. Even if they did, you deserve to be depressed. Why do anything worthwhile when you don’t deserve to feel happy and nothing is ever going to be okay again and also nobody cares? Plus those things are so hard.
Lies. The climb up is hard, yeah, but not harder than the pit. And nobody deserves to be spoken to like that, especially by their own brain.
This is important, because your child might know exactly what could help and still be unable to make themselves do it.
Grief and depression are different.
Grief is a response to loss. Friendships fall apart, people go away, pets die. They don’t make the team with the friends they’ve been playing with since kindergarten. They lose the college, the job, the future they thought they were headed for.
Grief comes in waves, and can be interrupted by moments of joy. You can see what’s triggered it, and often you can understand that someday it might ease. Grief isn’t a world view.
It’s healthy to grieve about these things. We want our kids to feel big feelings when it’s warranted, because tamping them down or trying to hide them from themselves or you never works.
Depression is a pervasive state that can exist without a specific trigger. It’s a constant, heavy blanket that can dim everything, even the good moments, and definitely your perception of yourself, your life, and the world. You'll know grief has crossed over to depression when it stops responding to time, when it becomes obsessive or pervasive, when it spreads to become the lens through which they see everything, not just the loss, but themselves and the world.
Depression and burnout are different, but they might feel the same.
Burnout might feel like depression but it has different roots. Burnout is exhaustion. It’s usually situational and demand-focused. It’s when you’re way behind at work, your boss keeps adding more, and one tiny request from a co-worker leaves you alone at your desk at lunch chanting I can't, I can't in your head.
It happens to kids too. Masking their neurodiversity, their confusion, their difference. Being in trouble, being left out, the effort of moving through a world that wasn't built for them. The stares, the chastising, trying so hard to sit still and not getting the sticker anyway. Then they come home to more demands: the conversation about school, the homework, the screen limits, the food that isn’t quite safe, the expectation that they keep coping. And all they can do is chant I can't, I can't in their heads. Or lose it loudly until we stop asking.
If burnout isn't addressed, it can lead to depression, and this is a real danger for kids who are struggling at school and at home.
It doesn’t always look like depression.
It’s not always tears and refusing to get out of bed. Some people are so good at hiding depression that even therapists miss it (someone I know had a therapist tell them they were “too funny to be depressed”). Sometimes even the most attentive parents get tricked.
How depression might show up, in children and adults
Please note: these don’t automatically mean your child is depressed! You are looking for a change from baseline, not the presence of a symptom. If you're seeing several of these consistently for more than a few weeks, that's worth talking to someone about. Trust your gut and your understanding of your kid.
You don't have to read every section. Skim for what sounds familiar.
Shutdown and/or withdrawal
They don't want to go to baseball anymore. They don’t want to go out with friends or come down for ice cream. Nothing is exciting. Everything is boring, stupid, not worth it. All their friends are “busy” or “boring” or “I don’t know, we’re not friends any more, okay?” They just want to play on this screen, but they’re not laughing or interacting, or even seeming to enjoy it. Or they’re doing the things, but they’re like an automaton going through the motions. They won’t talk about anything, even special interests. “I’m fine, mom, leave me alone.”
Sleep
They’re “too tired” to do anything you suggest. They “don’t feel good” every day. They’re sleeping til 2pm. Getting up for school is nearly impossible, or they’re falling asleep in their chair. Or, they’re not sleeping, they’ve got insomnia. Late at night is the only time they emerge from their room, sneaking around the house lit by the blue of their phone. Poor sleep can be both an indicator and exacerbator of depression.
Loss of executive function
Sometimes depression steals your ability to think. Kids can't get started, can’t figure it out, can’t focus. Homework is undone, low effort, or full of careless mistakes. It seems like they just don’t care, but really they cannot get their thoughts organized. It’s like their brain is processing through sludge.
I once shattered a mug of tea, then stood there, paralyzed, utterly unable to figure out how to clean it up. If your child is usually “on it” and that changes, pay attention.
Meltdowns
Their tank is empty. Depression has been yammering terrible things at them all day, nothing feels worth doing, but they’ve held it together through school, through a test they’re telling themselves they failed, and then one more thing happens, or you ask them for one small thing, and they fall apart.
Rudeness
I know a dad who swears the first sign that his child’s depression is sneaking in is that his kid starts being rude to him. They generally have a good relationship, but when they’re depressed, this child starts the snapping, the humourlessness (“It’s not funny, mom”), the saying “no” with two syllables and that “wuh” at the end. Maybe they can’t let you in because they know you’ll see them. Maybe they’re exhausted. Maybe your cheerful attempts at interaction seem stupid in the face of all the horrors of the world. Regardless, sudden rudeness can be information, so don’t only respond to the attitude.
The child who seems completely fine
Some kids with depression look like the easiest children in the room. They go with the flow. They do what their friends do. They make themselves invisible. People-pleasing and following are great strategies for avoiding conflict, questions, or hard decisions.
You can often see the difference, if you look. A genuinely relaxed kid seems content. They might not have strong opinions about where to eat, but they light up when the pizza arrives. A depressed child often seems like they've just stopped caring. They’re shrugging, saying "I don't care" with nothing behind it, no counter-offer, no preference surfacing even when you push a little. They go along with things, but they don’t seem to enjoy them once they’re there.
Remember
You’re looking for changes from baseline. So if your child used to be opinionated, love camp, and ask to invite a friend, and they suddenly have no preferences and no interest in camp or playdates, maybe pay some attention.
You might recognize some of this in kids who are doing just fine. This list isn't meant to send you into a spiral. It's simply something to keep on your radar, especially when you're already noticing that something feels off.
If you're there, you're not alone. Read Depression: Real-life strategies here.
And if you just need to talk about your child with someone who has been there – not a therapist, just someone who will listen and not flinch – I'm here. If you want to sign up for one-on-one time to rant, cry, or just say it out loud, please do. I hate depression and it's never a burden for me to do anything that punches it right in its stupid face.
A note about suicide and self-harm.
I have to talk about suicide and self-harm, which are different but both scary things.
Self-harm can be a way for kids to regulate overwhelming feelings, to drown out the awfulness in their head with something physical that feels more manageable. It can look like cutting, burning, picking at skin, pulling out hair, or more. I know, it’s horrifying, but it’s often less about hurting themselves than trying to cope.
Sometimes the depression voice goes somewhere darker, telling them they're a burden, that everyone would be better off without them. Kids might do things that feel out of character: giving away prized possessions, saying goodbyes that feel weighted, or a sudden calm after a period of real darkness, which can mean they've made a decision and feel relief (again, I know this is a lot to ponder).
If what you’re seeing feels like more serious self-harm or worse, if your child is talking about not wanting to be here or other scary things, or if your gut is just telling you something isn’t right, this is not something you and your child should try to handle alone.
If you're at that point, I want you to know that asking for help (even when your child doesn't want it) is not a betrayal. You are not going to ruin the relationship or break them. You are showing them their safety is the most important thing to you. You are keeping them safe when they can’t do it themselves, just like you did when they were very young.
And if you're the one hearing that voice, I have been there, and you are not alone. Please remember depression is a mean liar. You deserve the same help you'd work so hard to get your kid.
Resources
For the US, 988 is the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. Call or text.
The Trevor Project offers 24/7 crisis services for LGBTQ+ youth in the US. Text START to 678-678 or call 866-488-7386
For Canada, Kids Help Phone (1-800-668-6868, or text CONNECT to 686868) is the main national resource for youth and is available in both English and French.
The Crisis Text Line (text HOME to 741741) works in the US and Canada. It’s especially relevant for teens who won't make a phone call.
For more local options, search for [your location] + suicide hotline or crisis text line. Many cities (not enough) have non-police mobile mental health crisis units that can come to your home in an emergency.