“He just wants his own way.”
Some days it feels like you’re raising a tyrant. He wants a certain seat, the monkey cup, the same routine, to play with the same friend every day at recess, and if you deviate: meltdown. It's exhausting.
Teachers call him "rigid" or "inflexible" or "spoiled" or "stubborn." Sometimes he’s "obsessed" or "fixated" on having a certain object, partner, or space. Sometimes he’s "just being difficult."
Except: we ALL want our own way. I want my own way right now. Many of us learn to be flexible or to effectively explain our needs and advocate for ourselves. Most of us still stand in line being annoyed at anyone who’s ahead of us.
When a child insists on something so fiercely that they'll melt down without it, there's a reason. To explore what might be going on behind this kind of rigidity, let's take one example: a child who insists, every day, loudly and sometimes to the point of tears or aggression, on sitting in the blue chair.
Adults think, "What's so important about a blue chair?"
Actually, I can think of a ton of reasons.
What might really be going on
There are a million reasons a child might feel they need the blue chair, and none of them is because they're spoiled or trying to be difficult:
1. Anxiety and lack of control. They're really anxious about something, even if they aren't sure what, and keeping the blue chair the same every day grounds them. Sometimes we eat the same thing or shower in the same order. They might be taking control of what they can, trying to limit how much change or unknown is in their life. They might just really need not to "give" on this one thing after coping and masking all day long.
2. OCD or panic. They might believe that sitting in this chair daily is what's holding everything together or keeping something awful from happening. They're facing the door, which is keeping any bad guys from storming through it. When we try to get them to move, they panic (naturally, since now something terrible will happen) and in their panic they can't explain. Or maybe they worry explaining will ruin the magic of the chair.
3. It worked last time. Always having the same partner, being first, or getting the blue chair might be an effort to replicate something that worked in the past. Your child might not understand themselves well enough to know what makes things harder or easier. But that one day they did great and got to bring home an "I was good!" sticker, they sat in the blue chair, so yes, please, let's do that every day. They're going to insist on that friend or that seat because it works for them, and other options have failed spectacularly or at least used up a lot of coping capacity. If in the past, this activity has ended with them overwhelmed and panicked or in big fat trouble, they're desperate to avoid that and may not be thinking rationally or generously.
4. Practical considerations. The blue seat is away from the door so there isn't hallway noise or a draft or they can hear the teacher better. It's the only chair where their feet land firmly on the ground, or there's a bookshelf to lean on, so they don't need as much core strength to stay upright. They can see the whiteboard. They can see the clock, so they know how long they have left to sit still. They're lefty, and there's more room in this spot to write left-handed. They're further from the supplies so other kids disrupt them less. They're closer to the supplies or faster to be first in line when math ends, which makes transitioning to lunch much easier.
5. Sensory issues. This chair has a place to put your feet that maybe they can rub their shoe on or it wobbles a little bit and offers some sensory input. It's away from the terrible buzz of the heater or closer to the fan that's keeping them from overheating. They can't hear the noise in the hallway, or they can hear the grounding whirr of the air system. There are tons more sensory possibilities.
6. Social stuff. The coolest kid in the class sat in this chair, and, not understanding at all what makes some of us cool and some of us shunned, it makes sense to keep trying the chair. From the blue chair, they can't see the kids who whisper about them, or they can see everyone, so they know nobody's pointing or laughing behind their back. It's close to the teacher, so they get a little extra attention or social input. It's far away, so they're much less likely to get called on. It's next to a friend or someone the child thinks is safe (and nobody has noticed that friend always sits there because they don't fall apart when they can't). They're across the circle from someone who's friendly. There is a really good reason that it seems like injustice to have to move, but they're the only ones who know it.
It's not just the blue chair. The same principle applies whether your child is insisting on the same breakfast, the same route to school, wearing the same outfit, or always being first in line. Behind the rigidity is always a reason.
Now, yes, sometimes a toddler wants the purple cup because they're learning about consistency and preferences. That's normal development. But if rigidity is causing daily battles, meltdowns, or seems out of proportion to the situation, there's usually something deeper underneath.
Where to start
You might recognize your child immediately in one of these descriptions, or you might be thinking "could be any of them" or "sounds like three of these at once." That's normal; these things often overlap, and kids themselves don't always know what's making something hard. That's where detective work comes in.
Ask your child. Now, a child maybe can't explain what's going on, especially if they have communication challenges or they're already overwhelmed. It took me several drafts and years of life experience to write that list. What they can say is "I need the blue chair."
But when they're calm, you can try: "Hey buddy, I notice you really like that blue chair. What makes it work for you?" Or make some guesses: "Some kids like chairs where their feet touch the ground, or some kids like to sit away from the door because it's quieter. Does any of that sound like you?"
[Link to: Figuring out what might be behind the behaviour]
Let them have it while you figure it out. Remember, they really feel they need it, like maybe terrible things are going to happen if they don't get it. It's super frustrating and scary to be told, "No, you had it last time." They think, "Yes, I know, and it worked, that's why I want it now," but they can't say that (because of panic and overwhelm and maybe communication difficulties). Panic ensues. Things escalate, and now they're in tears in the office, frustrated because they were trying to do the right thing and ask for the option that would have helped them "be good," and instead they're terrified and embarrassed and feeling horridly alone and misunderstood, and everyone else is saying, "Gee whiz, all this over a chair?!"
So let them have the blue chair. Not forever, necessarily, but while you investigate. You're not "giving in" to a tyrant. You're giving your child what they need while you figure out how to teach them to understand and articulate what makes certain seats work and what makes others hard. You're teaching them that telling their teachers and caregivers about something they need, even imperfectly, is worth the effort. You're making sure they don't feel alone or suffer in silence.
What if you can't let them have it? There aren't enough blue chairs, it's not your choice to make, or another child needs it too? Start with believing your child needs it for a reason, even if you can't give them the exact thing right now. Can you offer something that might meet the same need? If you're stuck, focus on the detective work first: understanding why they need it helps you advocate for accommodations or find workarounds, even when the blue chair itself isn't available.
What to remember
Once you understand what's driving the rigidity, you have options. Sometimes the answer is simple accommodations: let them have the thing, create more "blue chair equivalents," modify the environment to remove the stressor. Sometimes you need to build skills gradually: teach them to understand their needs, find language for them, and advocate for themselves. Sometimes you realize the demand itself needs to change. Every situation is different, and there's no rush. Start with understanding, then problem-solve from there.
If you want help figuring out what might be going on with your individual child or what to do about it, that’s what we do.