How to help your real life anxious child in the real life moment (Anxiety, part 2)
[This is part 2 of a series on anxiety. Start with Part 1, Understanding your child’s anxiety, so you don’t make it worse. Or not – we know your time is limited.
[Read: Part 3: How to help during a panic attack]
Last post, I talked about understanding anxiety in our kids—how it's not always just stomachaches and tears, how sometimes anxiety isn't the real problem, and why the usual strategies can backfire spectacularly.
Now, let’s get into the real question: what actually helps? Because when your child is melting down about getting on the school bus or convinced something terrible is about to happen, you need strategies that work. Not next week, not after six months of therapy—but right now, in your living room, with your real-life anxious kid.
Classic responses to kids’ anxiety
You probably know many of these approaches. They generally assume anxiety is the problem (and they can work well if the child truly believes that it is—and sometimes even if not, especially when paired with other strategies). They’re aimed at calming the child, bringing them back into their thinking brain, and helping their system reset.
Soothing. Tell them, “I’m here.” Say, "It's okay” or “There’s nothing to worry about.” Try singing, rocking, patting their back, hugs, deep pressure.
Deep breathing. Try “balloon breaths” where they take a big inhale and then exhale big like they’re blowing up a balloon. Draw a square and let them trace it with a finger while they “box” breathe (4-second breath in/up, 4-second hold/across, 4-second breath out/down, 4-second hold/across).
Engaging their logical brain. Ask “What’s most likely to really happen?” Reassure them with logic or science. Help them find perspective (“What’s the worst that could happen?”) or remind them they’ve done and survived this before.
Co-regulation. Say "I'm here” and “You don’t have to do this alone." Take deep breaths yourself to help calm the situation. Use your own words to label what they’re feeling—just saying “You feel really anxious” has been shown to ease emotional regulation and help kids learn language to express themselves next time.
Distraction. Break the cycle of fixating or ruminating with a favorite activity, or grab their attention in the moment with something they like.
Punishment. Sadly, this is also a “classic” response to how kids express anxiety. We forget it’s not about the behaviour. We react to the yelling instead of the struggle underneath. We tell them to sit still, speak up, stop being bossy. We say, “I’ll talk to you when you’re calm” or send them to time-out. None of which helps them feel less anxious; it only forces them to escalate to be heard.
Again, many of these are reasonable and effective strategies. But sometimes kids need something different.
When a child is anticipating an actually terrible situation
In some ways, this is the hardest one — we can’t protect our kids from every awful experience. But we can help them face things with less anxiety and better chances of success.
Say your child is miserable every day on the school bus. It’s loud and smelly, the driver yells, the other kids tease them. It’s actually awful. So they worry about it every night. But the bus is the real problem—not their anxiety about it. Reassurance and suggesting they take deep breaths are not addressing the real problem and are not going to make it easier at bedtime when she dreads the next morning or when he’s sitting on the bus miserable and ready to explode. They just make us seem like we aren’t listening or we don’t care.
[more on this in Part 1: Understanding anxiety]
When a child is anxious about something imaginary or unlikely
The fear still feels real. The monsters are scary even if you know in the daytime they’re fake. A friend of The Huddle for Families who has OCD once explained it as the difference between being nervous to give a speech vs. genuinely believing the room you’re in is about to explode. When a child is truly convinced that something bad is going to happen, they’re not acting or thinking logically. They don’t WANT to calm down; they want to get out. They might even feel like their anxiety is keeping everyone safe.
In situations like this, the classic responses can actually escalate things, because they imply the fear — which the child really believes is real — is irrational or dismissible, which (as we explored in Part 1) can make the child feel unheard or even more panicked.
So, what to do instead?
1. Respond to the anxiety, not the manifestation of it
You can talk later about "behavior." Right now, don’t get triggered by any bossiness or disrespectfulness. Focus on the scared child underneath.
2. Stay genuinely calm yourself
A parent staying calm isn’t the magic fix-all some people preach it is, but kids do feed off our mood. It helps if you can remain genuinely calm—not pretending, not stuffing it down until you explode later. Model the self-regulation strategies you wish they were using. Stay in your own thinking, logical brain, so you can respond in ways that really help.
3. Figure out where the anxiety is centered. What kind is it?
Ask them:
What's going on?
What's got you worried?
What's happening in your head right now?
(when they're calm) Seems like every day you're worried about the bus. Can we talk about it?
What are you picturing?
4. Show them they aren’t alone
Sometimes the most powerful thing is simply saying: “You don’t have to do this all by yourself” or “I’m here.”
Show them you’ve heard them. Before problem-solving or pointing out their own mistakes or faulty thinking, start with, “Let me be sure I understand. The bus is loud and smelly and you hate it. You get sick to your stomach, the other kids tease you, and the bus driver yells. That sounds awful. I understand why you hate that.” You’re not confirming their worries are accurate—you’re confirming how hard the experience is.
Try: “Oh, I can tell you’re really scared,” or “That’s hard!”
Labeling feelings helps regulate them. It gives the brain language, which supports emotional control. The more we do this, the more kids learn how to do it for themselves.
For some kids, it helps to respectfully mirror their big feelings, then guide them toward regulation. Try starting with big tone and facial expressions and gradually reining them in, like:
“THAT STINKS! That’s SO HARD! No WONDER your stomach hurts and you feel all jumpy. Whew. Okay. We’re gonna tackle this together. We’re gonna figure it all out.”
5. Give them a sense of control
Anxiety grows when we feel helpless. If we jump straight into fixing things or reassuring kids, we skip the chance for kids to feel capable—and may leave them feeling powerless.
Ask:
“What would you like to do?”
“What do you think would help?”
You might be surprised by their ideas. Even if they’re not workable, they help shift the brain from panic to problem-solving.
They might say, “You drive me to school every day?” Get all the ideas out first—don’t dismiss anything immediately. If they’re stuck, offer gentle options: “Some kids find it helpful if XYZ. Would you want to try that?”
If their idea is unreasonable (“NEVER GETTING ON THE BUS AGAIN!”), that’s not defiance—it’s dysregulation. They’re still worked up and trying to take control. Focus on the feeling: “You’re really worried about this!” and make sure they’ve let it out and know you heard them before you try to plan.
6. Make a plan
The plan doesn’t have to be perfect or logical to adult brains. Just making a plan does some important things:
It gets us into our thinking brain. It helps bring kids away from the panic into problem solving.
It turns actually bad things into “expected things.” When we have a plan, things that happen or that other people do fall into the category of “I expected this, and I know what to do about it,” which makes us far less likely to react with rage or frustration.
It makes us feel more confident. That confidence and reduced anxiety can sometimes translate to better coping skills. We’re not as stressed out or ramped up, so we have better access to good decision making.
After the empathy, ask, “What do you want to do?” If they have a workable idea, great—start planning. If not, you can say, “Oh buddy, I wish I could, but I have to be at work at 9. Let’s think of some ways to make the bus better. What if…”
Can’t think of ideas? Try, “What would the bus be like if it were already so much better?” “What’s the biggest thing we can try to fix first?” “Who could we ask? What do you think they would say?”
[You can also chat with me about it — more info here]
Then make a plan. Maybe they wear noise-canceling headphones. Maybe they sit near the front and bring mint candy. Maybe they practice telling themselves, “She’s not yelling at me,” when the driver gets loud. Maybe you write a short, confident response for when other kids tease them—something that might defuse the aggression or help them feel more prepared.
You can even practice the plan. Use stuffed animals. Make it silly, make it light—anything that gives them more control in the moment.
Your plan can’t be utterly unrealistic (“I will ask everyone nicely to not yell or tease me” is not going to work, sadly). But it doesn’t have to be flawless. It just has to feel realistic enough to your child and reasonable enough to you. That combination can dial the anxiety way down—and help keep them in their thinking brain when it matters.
7. Warn the right people about the plan
Set your child up for success. If the plan is to ask to sit near the front, make sure the driver knows to say yes. If the plan involves asking other kids to play at recess, can you prep those kids through another parent or teacher?
When Nothing Seems to Work
What if you’ve tried everything, and your child is still struggling?
They may not be able to talk about it yet. Some kids can’t name what’s going on—or don’t even recognize that it’s anxiety. Think about how we sometimes get mad at our partner for being late, but the real feeling is worry. You may need to play detective to figure it out.
Their body may need a release. Anxiety lives in the body, often even after the initial trigger is gone. Try movement, stretching, deep hugs with deep breaths together, outdoor play, or a warm bath to reset the nervous system. Let them scream if they need to. Join in if you do – you probably need the release too, we know.
Panic attacks need slightly different support.
Remember: Their behaviour makes sense. Behind your child’s anxiety is a real need. When we start there—with empathy and some problem-solving—we can help them find their way back to calm.
Remind both of you: you are going to get through it. You have done hard things before, and you will again. You got this.
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