Handling holiday chaos & criticism

Ah, the holidays. Families gather, lights and candles twinkle, music plays, delicious food cooks. Adults sip warm drinks in the kitchen, the cousins play downstairs, and Grandma’s golden retriever snores by the fire.

Except...

For some kids (and parents), those lights are flashy or uneven on the tree, the bells pierce sensitive ears, and dog is terrifying. Open flames? Either irresistibly tempting or panic-inducing. Meanwhile, this crowd of barely familiar cousins plays made up games with mysterious, ever-changing rules, the grown-ups demand hugs and eye contact, and the questions are relentless and hard to answer: How’s school? (I hate it). What’s your favorite subject? (19th century military strategy, but I got warned in the VERY long car ride not to “bore everyone silly” with it). 

Routine? Gone. Escape routes? Nonexistent.

And that’s just the kids. Parents field loaded questions too: How’s Carla? (I’ll cry if I talk about it). Meanwhile, your mom is pushing “firmer limits,” Aunt Judith declares there wasn’t “all this autism” in the ’80s, and your child’s safe foods are nowhere to be found. By dinner, you and your child are done—meltdowns, exhaustion, or both imminent.

What’s a parent to do?? Some ideas:

Prepare in advance.

Prepare your child. Practice getting and giving gifts and greetings. Explain exactly what they’ll need to do during services. Show them family photos, so folks are familiar. Most importantly, work out in advance what they’ll do if they’re struggling. How can they signal they need a break and how they will take it (“If it gets too much, you can make the ‘break time’ sign, and go listen to audiobooks in our room for ten minutes”)?

Prepare your family. Build empathy and understanding. Share that this child they love has been struggling and feels worried or overwhelmed. Warn them that sometimes that worry or overwhelm comes out in ways that others misinterpret as misbehaviour or rudeness. Recruit your “people who get it” team. Tell them how to help (“When Carla gets anxious, she sometimes uses a harsh tone, which adults who aren’t as understanding as you misinterpret — poor kid gets in trouble all the time. If she seems anxious while we’re here, here are some ways to help.”). Recruit an older cousin to play separately with your child or to help them navigate the group. Recruit your teenage nieces to take your child outside and run off the squirmies. Recruit your sister-in-law to stand up for your family’s routines.

Set your boundaries. The best boundaries are things *you* control (you can’t make Aunt Judith serve dinner earlier than 9pm, but you can say you’ll attend for hors d’oeuvres then duck out at 8pm for bedtime). What other things do you need to avoid or add in to give your child the best chance of success? I promise the holidays will still happen if you don’t do everything.

Prepare your space. We are not “throw all the kids in the basement with some sleeping bags” people. Put your child to bed somewhere they have a chance of sleeping well enough not to be wrecked by the second day. Bring your tools (headphones, sensory support, stuffed friends, games). Create a safe space for an escape when the crowd is too much. Set up a corner, hang a sheet, throw some pillows in the bathtub and let them close the curtain. Ask Grandma to turn the music down and put the dog away. Show your child their space as soon as you arrive, and tell them any rules for using it. Knowing there’s a safe place to reset can make all the difference for both of you.

Once you’re in it

Routine. Routine. Rest. Repeat. Maintain your routine as much as possible, or make a new one. Sticking to an order of events helps kids predict what’s coming and feel less anxiety. Schedule in quiet time, even if you have to miss afternoon activities, especially if your child never gives themself a break willingly. Make your child’s bedtime inviolable. This does not make you “a stickler,” and it doesn’t mean you’re “letting your child run your life” (pipe down, Aunt Judith). It means you are an awesome parent who is giving your child the rest and predictability they need to be part of a family event that will now be more fun and enjoyable for everyone.

Respond to criticism with education, not embarrassment. People might criticize you or your child, outright or passive aggressively. They might even say things you yourself worry about in the dark. Remember: people are not saying those things because they are true; they are saying them because they don’t know any better. Take a deep breath, pretend to be fine, and educate them: “Actually, for many children with OCD, unfamiliar foods can cause nausea and panic. Carla’s sticking to her safe foods so she can enjoy dinner with people she loves.” Done. Don’t argue. Just give Carla her plain noodles and a hug. In educating your family, you help Carla identify and label her own needs to self-advocate. Worst case scenario: distract them (“Oh, Aunt Judith, you’re so sweet to be worried. How’s your arthritis?”)

When people are unkind to or in front of your child. Sometimes kids ask why family members seems to judge them or act in hurtful ways. Sometimes family is outright unkind. My instinct used to be to sort of gaslight my kids: “Oh no, Aunt Judith loves you very much, she’s just not good at showing it.” I think I was wrong. Hurt feelings need to be validated, kids can tell when we are lying, and the priority is your child and her understanding of herself and her relationships. I wish I had been honest and validating, making sure my kids knew they weren’t to blame (“That hurt your feelings. I’m sorry Aunt Judith doesn’t understand. That’s her mistake, not yours.”). Our children deserve to feel like people who love them will work to better understand and support them, and they deserve for us to recognize when they’ve correctly interpreted a situation, even if it’s uncomfortable.

The main point: The priority is your child, her trust in you as a fierce warrior who gets her, and her understanding that she is not wrong or bad for needing different things than her cousins. So be her protector and her advocate, even when it’s hard, even if Aunt Judith* sniffs. And then everyone take a little break in the bathtub.

You got this.

Want to read more or find a specific article? Start here.

* For the record, I do not have an Aunt Judith! I have lovely aunts and aunt-in-laws, at least one of whom reads this blog and totally gets it.