Surviving and thriving at the doctor’s
Confession: this is a “do as I say, not as I did” post. I was not always a great advocate for my kids at the doctor’s office (see also: dentist, PT, therapist, ER…). I spent energy worrying about the provider liking us, thinking I was a good mom, and not judging my kid. I trusted too much – not that the professionals knew what they were doing (I think most of them do – this is not a rant against doctors, most of whom are amazing, overworked, and trying their hardest to help kids and families), but that they knew what they were doing for MY specific children. When I disagreed, I did it shyly; when I advocated, I asked vaguely ("It's a little loud in here?") instead of directly stating our needs ("Please turn down the TV before my kid and I both lose our minds."). I didn’t always stand strong when the front desk said no.
I know better and do better now. After all, almost everyone one a health care professional sees has some kind of disability or struggle, at least on that day, or they wouldn’t be there. That makes it the perfect place to model effective self-advocacy for your child. Which means it’s okay to ask for clarifications, accommodations, and different ideas.
It’s okay to make sure you understand. It’s okay to ask the doctor to slow down. It’s okay to ask them to say the whole thing over again. It is okay to ask for a extra time so you can:
Take notes
Ask one more question
Bring a support person or interpreter
Give your child (or yourself) processing time
Help your child regulate before continuing so you can focus on the discussion and not on whatever your child is doing under that chair
Any good doctor *wants* you to understand the plan and feel confident. When the doctor ends the appointment, it’s okay to say,, “Let me make sure I understand.” Then summarize in your own words.
It’s okay to ask:
How long until this helps? What's next if it doesn't?
What warning signs should I watch for?
Who do I contact with questions?
Would you recommend this same approach if my child [didn’t have Down syndrome/autism/developmental delays, wasn’t overweight, used spoken language…]?
It’s okay to ask for accommodations. It’s okay to bring your child’s noise cancelling headphones and not make them greet anyone. It’s okay to tell the trainee that your “history” contains sensitive, possibly embarrassing information, so you’d like to tell it once, to the doctor, and not repeatedly as a training exercise. Or that you’d like time alone to tell it. It’s okay to ask in advance what will happen at the appointment, so you can properly prepare a child who hates surprises. It’s okay to refuse to have your child weighed, if they’re sensitive about it. It’s also okay to ask to break long appointments up. The dentist can do half the teeth this week, and half next week.
It’s okay to manage your wait time. It’s okay to ask how late the doctor is running and to say you’re going for a walk in the meantime. It’s okay to ask if there is a quieter, less crowded place to wait. It’s definitely okay to tell your child that the rules around screen time do not apply at the doctor’s office waiting room.
It’s okay to disagree. We can respect experts while saying, "That doesn't sound right" or "That suggestion won't work for our family; what else can we try?" It’s okay to correct a doctor’s misunderstandings or incorrect assumptions. It’s okay to tell them something is a mismatch with your family values. It’s definitely okay to disagree if the provider doesn’t understand that you and your child are already doing the best you can or that your child’s struggles do not represent moral failings or lack of effort on their part or yours.
Of course, I know you are respectful. I know you don’t treat health care providers like servants or believe they invented science and medicine as a way to make kids sicker and get rich quick. You can be respectful and still model for your child that sometimes you have to disagree or ask twice for what you need.
The important thing is to remember what’s important. Getting your child proper healthcare, understanding the plan so you can execute it effectively, and modeling great self-advocacy for well-deserved accommodations are all important. Everyone loving you is not important. Don’t waste energy trying to change a judgmental nurse’s mind about your kid’s behaviour. And definitely don’t use it up testing your own ability to remain calm with Cocomelon blaring at full volume in an empty waiting room.
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