You are not alone
Dear friends whose children express frustration, overwhelm, and need for help by being destructive, violent, offensive, or mortifying:
It’s easy to feel like you are the only parent in the world whose child has these struggles. Every other family seems to glide through the world without so many stumbling blocks and sticking points, without so much yelling. It’s easy to feel nobody understands. Sometimes, this is because literally nobody else you know understands. Sometimes it’s because you’re so mortified about things your child does when they are overwhelmed that it feels like you can’t possibly talk to anyone about it. Sometimes you talk to someone, and they try to relate, but the thing their kid did that they think is so awful is basically a dinner table tradition in your house. Or they give advice that is so simplistic or condescending that you want to scream. Or they never are able to understand, and the friendship fades or implodes.
It’s isolating and lonely. And also, I have to tell you: You are not alone.
Your child is not the only one ever to do the things your child is doing or having the struggles your child is having. They are not the “worst” or “most difficult” child in the whole school, city, or world. They are not the only child to break things or bite people or shout utterly awful things, or the only child to run away, or whatever other frustrating, violent, bizarre, or shameful things they are doing to beg for help.
Their needs are not extreme or unfathomable. They are not trying to be unfair to the other children and their needs are not unreasonable to ask school to support. Their needs are probably not even “special” – we all need to feel safe, connected, competent, and self-directed, and we all need “extra” assistance in our own ways.
Sometimes, adults seem to try to convince parents of the direness of the situation by acting as though a child is uniquely horrible or outrageous (“I’ve never had a student act this way!”). They want parents to “take this seriously,” as though parents don’t take it seriously when their child is flailing and in misery. Sometimes, people who think of themselves as experienced teachers or schools with a “really great program” seem to need to act like a child they don’t understand or can’t help is the problem (“Everyone else does really well here”). Sometimes they even seem resentful of a child for disrupting their “great” program or making them feel not in control. Sometimes other parents need to blame you or talk as though your child is a complete outlier, because it makes them feel less worried about things their own child does (“At least she isn’t like THAT”).
All of it can leave you feeling like you’re all alone. Your child is the only one. I worked in schools for 30+ years before starting The Huddle for Families. I promise: your child is not the only one. Nothing your child has done, said, thrown, yelled, or destroyed would cause me to be shocked or to judge them or you. All over the world, children are struggling and doing whatever they can to get adults to understand they need help. What I do find shocking are the terrible words, labels, and condemnation the world hurls at children who are, at the heart of it, trying their hardest, failing, being failed, and suffering miserably for it.
The truth is you don’t know who else is struggling. That child sitting in class quietly getting all the praise? They might be struggling, but for whatever reason, they express it by shutting down, masking, or being perfect instead of hurling water bottles. That super polite child of your friend’s who always remembers please and thank you and makes you wonder where you went wrong? They might go home and shriek at their brother. Everyone has a hard time in some way: some of us just are extra – or extra loud – about it.
You are not even the only parents at your school getting these calls and having these meetings. I promise those other parents exist. Find them. They are probably aching for someone who isn’t judging them or their child to reach out. Those are your new people.
[Story: A friend of The Huddle for Families told me this week that they’d attended a large gathering where everyone else was talking about how great their kids were doing, happy families played together, children smiled in stock photo kinds of moments. Not their kid, of course, because she is really struggling right now. This parent spent the whole event feeling alone, like everybody else there was part of a club they could never join. And then: a few days after they got home, they heard about someone else who’d been there. THAT person had spent the whole time feeling exactly the same way, like she was the only one whose kid wasn’t thriving. And they’d missed one another entirely. You are not the only one, even when you are sure you’re the only one.]
Find your people. Or come to a Huddle or talk it out 1:1. That’s a big part of why we started The Huddle for Families: so parents and caregivers can find one another, get some ideas, and feel a little less so desperately, depressingly alone.
You are not alone, I promise. And your child needs you, because as alone and ashamed and helpless as you are feeling, they probably feel the same way. Luckily, they have you to tell them, “I got you,” and “We can work on this together,” and, maybe most importantly, “You are not alone.”
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