Help! My child is going to be 18, but they’re not ready to be independent.
What do I need to know?
1. This is hard. Charting a non-traditional path to adulthood has so much about it that’s hard: navigating systems, parenting teens and young adults, regret about past mistakes, judgment from family and community, the battle between our needs and our children’s needs and our other children’s needs, waitlists, marital disagreement, having to make long term decisions without being able to predict the future, career sacrifices, financial concerns, the feeling that everyone else’s kids are sailing along the traditional path and you’re all alone in this, anxiety about mortality, cultural mismatches, gender biases, fear your child will be taken advantage of – all of this comes into play, and oh my goodness, it’s hard. It’s doable and there are ways of making it easier, but if you are dreading it or in it and hating it or if you’re putting it off because you are simply not ready to deal, all of that is valid. And none of it is your fault.
2. You can’t do this alone. We don’t just mean you need personal support and all the members of your family who make decisions about your child need to be involved, although all of that is true. We mean: you need a team. You need professionals who know how to navigate the systems near you. You need programs and structures that work for your child. You need other people who can support your child when you aren’t there, because you will sometimes need to not be there. Therefore you can’t do it alone. You need the people or programs who understand and can care for your child and whom your child trusts, and you need to stop being afraid of asking for help.
People to talk to for sure:
Your child, if that’s possible. What are they thinking/wanting? What scares them about becoming an adult? What help do they know they need?
Your partner/family/anyone who helps make decisions about your child. This is both so you’re on the same page and so you can get a sense of who’s “in” for the long haul.
The professional who will be your referral to the new system (developmental pediatrician, occupational therapist, family doctor, social worker, guidance counselor, special educators…). This person should be familiar with services in your region and able to give some advice about navigating transition planning.
Whatever office/program/provider is the “front door” to services for adults in your region. This may be called something like Developmental Services, Transition Planning, Adult Community Services, or something totally different that signifies it’s the place to start (in NY, it’s “The Front Door”).
A financial advisor who can help you figure out your budget and needs and help navigate any funding applications.
The physician or office that has all your child’s health records
Your own support system. Again, please don’t be afraid to ask for help. These are the people most likely to know and adore you and your child.
Need to talk it out with other parents? We have a special Huddle on all of this on Monday, March 3. RSVP to hear more and have a chance to ask questions and problem solve for your own family.
3. Make a plan (for the short and long term). Even if your child is going to live with you, you need a contingency plan. You need a contingency plan for the short term, partly because you deserve a break, and also, if you develop sudden appendicitis, you need to have something in place so you aren’t trying to build support from scratch in the moment of crisis. You also need a longer-term plan, because while you are definitely a superhero, you are not going to live forever, and there needs to be a plan for that too (even though we all hate thinking about it).
4. There is no right answer. What is “best” varies widely depending on your family, your values, your geography, your career, your finances, and most importantly, your child’s skills, needs, and experiences. Ponder:
What daily living/independent skills does your child have already? What do they need to learn? What will they probably not be able to learn or handle any time soon?
What kind of daily load can your child handle? Maybe they can do all of the skills for independent living one at a time, but can they handle them all at once, every day, all the time?
What does your child need on their hardest days? It’s common to plan for the best days. What has to be in place to support them when things get really hard? What kinds of things might they do when they are overwhelmed or under-supported?
What does your child need to feel safe?
What kind of “growing up” is your child craving? What kind can they handle? There is a difference between independence (doing things yourself), autonomy (deciding what those things are and how to do them, making your own decisions, and charting your own path), and separation (moving away from parents and home). Not every child can handle all three, and it’s important to think about which of these is most important for your child.
What does your child need to thrive (not just cope)?
Your answer will vary depending on:
Your financial capacity and eligibility for help
What kinds of support are available in your geographic region?
Your family/community environment, and how big your team can be.
Your value system and what’s most important to you to put in place for your child
Your child’s siblings and other family members, their needs, and how helpful/willing they are likely to be in the future
Your own energy, capacity, and needs. Please don’t ignore these when making a plan!
5. Don’t panic. This is a lot. But this doesn’t have to be finished today or next week or by the time they’re 18. It’s a process, not a one-and-done decision, and what’s working for you now may change. You don’t have to predict the future; you just have to have a plan. Also: there is help. We are happy to talk about it and offer advice.
Want more help and advice?
Join our Transition to Adulthood Huddle, March 3. You can participate or just listen for advice. All you have to do is RSVP.
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