“Aren’t they a little old for that lovey?”
Oh, the lovey. It might be a fabulously soft bunny blanket or a stuffed bear, dad’s old shirt or that one blue truck. It’s gotta come everywhere, it’s not allowed to be washed, and it’s irreplaceable (they’ll know if you’ve ordered a duplicate!). As kids get older, so do loveys. At some point, people start commenting, “Aren’t they a little old to still have that thing?” Grandma has opinions. And parents start stressing: Will my child never be independent? Will she get married with her bouquet in one hand and a thirty year old blankie in the other?? What can I do???
Here is the thing: We all have loveys – things that we use to feel safer and more confident.. Some of us have actual loveys, blankies, stuffed friends. Some of us have lucky jerseys, favorite undies, or a necklace that reminds us of our grandma. We have strict adherence to a diet or a vigorous workout schedule or a moral code. Some have fiction, some have prayer, and some of us have a three-tiered system of to-do list organizational software that makes us feel like we have control over the chaos (it’s me). Many of us use our cell phones as security blankets. Some people wear the same shirt every day or want the same seat. And some kids (and grown ups) feel a lot safer with a lovey, a blankie, or a stuffed friend.
The world throws all kinds of anxiety at us every day, and we do what we can to not be overwhelmed. Given the vast range of unhealthy things humans use to deal with stress and anxiety, an adorable stuffed bear who acts as a sensory comfort and a stand-in for a parent seems harmless to me. If a lovey or the same shirt every day or a having a favorite toy hidden in the backpack can diffuse even a little of that anxiety, if it can make it easier to sleep or get back to sleep in the dark, to self-regulate, to feel a little less alone at school, why wouldn’t I want my child to have that?
When we tell children “you’re too old for that,” we are saying, “something’s wrong with you because normal 8 year-old kids don’t need that.” We are saying being “normal” is more important than feeling safe. We are saying we don’t understand or accept who they actually are and what they actually need. Because they *do* need it, or something like it. Otherwise they wouldn’t be clinging to it.
This is an important point, not just about loveys. Us *wanting* our kids not to need something doesn’t change the fact that they do. Taking support away because we think the child “shouldn’t” need it or we hate that they need it doesn’t take away the fact that they need it. And removing a child’s source of self-regulation and safety does not magically make them more confident or skilled at self-regulation..
So, be honest with yourself (I know, I hate it too). Ask why you care so much. Is it public opinion, as in you are worried about people judging your child and you? Are you embarrassed to have a child who still carries a stuffed bear? Is it that you’ve bundled a whole bunch of anxieties about your child into this concrete representation of everything “wrong” with them? Maybe seeing the lovey makes *you* anxious. Maybe it makes you feel like a bad parent because you think they “shouldn’t” need it. If this is about you more than your child (and trust me, that’s familiar), you gotta work that out in your own way. Our kids have enough people telling them they aren’t meeting invisible milestones and benchmarks for “normal” without us adding to it.
Now, let’s look at some possible ideas to help your child when they leave the house, or if the lovey is really getting in the way of their learning or play:
Substitute loveys. Can they carry one corner of the blankie in their pocket? Would a laminated photo of Teddy work? Can you find a mini-version of the lovey to hang from a necklace or a keychain on their backpack? Is there something else they could wear daily that might offer the same support? This is something you’ll figure out with your child. You might need to try a few things, to see what works. Or, can you turn the need for this one toy into the need for one of several toys? Maybe it’s the red truck’s turn to go to school. Starting to vary the actual objects might be the first step to being able to use different tools for self-comfort.
Sensory substitutes. If lovey is offering sensory input, is there another way to get it that might be more socially acceptable or subtle? For example, if the most important part of the lovey is the tag, can the child wear a string bracelet with a tag sewn on? If they like to hug Teddy, is there another way to get that squeezing sensation, like a hug vest or a big pillow to squeeze? Again, gather info and experiment.
Hidden loveys. Can Teddy live in the backpack at school and get quick visits? I have written the freedom to do this into individual education or safety plans (ours was something so much weirder than a teddy bear, but it still worked, so ask the school!). Or, can the lovey be incorporated into a scarf or another accessory or even stuffed into a soft bag on a keychain and worn around?
Leaving the lovey somewhere safe. Can the lovey rest in a special bowl or case while the child works and plays? This can help kids who need a lovey near them, but also need their hands free. It might also help kids wary of leaving a stuffed friend at home because they worry about it. Maybe Teddy can live in the window, looking out for when the child comes home. Maybe while the child is at school, Teddy has to go to stuffed friend school, where he has all sorts of adventures that become that night’s bedtime stories (this last idea takes a lot of energy and creativity, I know. But if it works, you might find it easier to address other school struggles your child is having by pretending Teddy is having them too).
If other children tease (or you’re worried they will). That is unkindness, and it should be dealt with accordingly. If you preemptively say your child can’t bring the lovey because you are worried about other children being unkind, you may be sending the message that your child *deserves* to be teased. You’ll definitely be sending the message that masking or acting in ways specifically to avoid being teased is more important than feeling safe and getting what they need.
You could say, “There are some people who don’t understand the world who will make fun of someone because they have a lovey. This is unkind and also ridiculous, but in case it happens, let’s think about what you’ll say back” (this may avoid them ending up in the principal’s office with my awesome kid who once retorted, basically, “Yeah, well, I could leave this at home, but you’ll always be stuck with that face”).
The most important thing to remember. Some of the most confident, ambitious, extroverted people I know still have a favorite stuffed animal in the back of their closet, even as adults, and I don’t think those things are unrelated. Because we all – especially these days – could use a little safety. Like so many things about parenting, the hardest part is to trust that growth will happen. Someday, they won’t need that lovey so much. That day will come a lot faster if they’ve been allowed to feel safe, to let go of the support they need on their own terms and timeline, and to know that their most trusted grown-ups understand them and have their back.
You got this.
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